Friday 23^rd September – Francois Hollande is talking tough about the Calais ‘jungle camp’, vowing to close it and relocate the inhabitants in weeks. They will be transferred to reception centres around France as their cases are examined. Migrants who do not seek asylum will be deported. It is not often that we agree with the French President but in this he is absolutely correct. If migrants do not seek asylum they have no right to stay in France or to move on to another European country. If Hollande walks the talk it will send a clear message to migrants who are travelling the length of Europe to target their ‘preferred countries. If the migrants begin to understand that failure to claim asylum in the first safe country they reach will result in immediate deportation the dangerous sea journeys might cease.

     Saturday 24^th September – a woman in Moscow has been killed by a tram.  She stood in the middle of the tram tracks to look at her phone and we hope she received a happy message since it was to be her last. Clearly she hadn’t downloaded the ‘beware the tram’ app!!

    In an interview with Andrew Marr earlier in September Owen Smith said he was 100% sure he could win the Labour leadership. With the polls saying mission impossible we wondered which cloud he lived on. After his massive win, Corbyn told Smith they were part of the same Labour family. We feel fairly sure that JC views Smith like the relative nobody mentions when talking about their family.   

    Sunday 25^th September – Scotland is famous for many things but we’ve had some doubts about their deep fried delicacies – Mars bars, etc. But the latest one we’ve seen has to be the weirdest – deep fried pizza. It seemed unimaginable but a taste might change your mind – but only a tiny taste. It seems sure to catch on and reduce life expectation even further in Scotland.

    Hundreds of skinny dippers bared all and dashed into the freezing North Sea in Northumberland this morning. The annual event is a fund-raiser for the charity MIND and the event is now in its fifth year. The charity gives first class support to those with mental problems and may be required to give aid in future to anybody who skinny dips in the North Sea on a regular basis.

    Monday 26^th September – Clinton v Trump became insignificant as conspiracy sites reported that asteroid 2009ES was on course to collide with earth. The 10-mile wide asteroid would strike earth with the force of three billion nuclear bombs. There’s a thought. But rest easy, the conspiracy theorists got it wrong and the asteroid passed by without causing a ripple. NASA claims to have detected about 97% of the ‘planet killer’ asteroids and say that no large object is likely to strike earth in the next several hundred years. Since that threat has gone we can get back to the big debate. With the polls suggesting a close run thing, will ‘The Donald’ be the biggest asteroid to strike in the near future. Perhaps the real decision for the American people is much simpler. Clinton will offer more of the same while Trump offers change.

    Tuesday 27^th September – we can’t keep ‘The Jungle’ in Calais out of the news. Reports that female aid workers are travelling there for sex generated a few smiles in the pub. We’re on the lookout for the first of those box number ads from men seeking women.

Young man 16-24 approx. seeks a woman from the UK for friendship and perhaps more. He has his own home, fully waterproofed in a pleasant French seaside town. He enjoys socializing and regular strolls along the local motorways to view freight transport. Age is no barrier to the right woman who would like to meet a man with high energy levels.

Ben summed it up quite well. “Maybe these so called aid workers have the wrong definition of relief.”

    Mathias Doepfner, German Chief Executive of publishing giant Axel Springer, says that in the medium term the UK will be a highly attractive alternative to the EU. Freedom to implement a talent-oriented immigration policy would have a positive effect on the UK economy. Nice one Mathias.

    Thursday 15^th September – Prince Charles has had a run in with a deer on the Queen’s Royal Deeside estate. His Audi was badly damaged and the Prince somewhat shaken up. Prince Philip was unimpressed. Stalking and clean shots are the only way to kill deer. Using a car gives an unfair advantage.

    Jean-Claude Juncker has announced his plans to install free WiFi in public spaces across the EU, abolish data roaming fees and enable 5G connectivity for everyone. He’ll teach us the downside of voting Brexit. We’re waiting for Theresa May to announce free bars in hotel bedrooms in the UK, but only for UK patrons. Next.

    Friday 16^th September – 110-years-old and going strong. Grace Jones from Worcestershire has shared her secret of longevity – it’s whisky. She has a nightcap – Famous Grouse – every night and has done so for the last sixty years. Anybody like to do a straight swap with several bottles of decent vodka! At least Adrian has a smile. If a single whisky nightcap gives you 110 years he probably thinks he’ll live forever

    Saturday 17^th September – massive marches took place in seven German cities, against the EU’s planned trade pacts with the US and Canada. The mounting public backlash against the bloc’s trans-Atlantic trade policies is gathering pace. Brexit is looking more attractive as each week passes. But still the ‘Remainers’ bleat about a second referendum. Tim Farron, the LibDem leader was at it again asking for a second referendum on the final deal. He doesn’t seem to understand that we won’t know the final deal until it has been signed off. Still, we can put that down to incompetence. Then we have Owen Smith’s position. The potential Labour leader believes we should reapply to join the EU if Labour win the next election. We’re beginning to believe that pigs really may fly in our lifetime.

    Sunday 18^th September – if you see something dog paddling in the sea around the British coast, don’t panic. It’s probably Nigel Farage, and with luck he’ll be wearing his underpants. De-mob happy before his final speech at the UKIP conference, him and Aaron Banks the UKIP financial backer, reinforced by a few drinks, stripped off for a swim. Banks said skinny-dipping but Nigel insists he kept his pants on. We can only hope an extra bottle of wine doesn’t lead him to discard them next time.

    Monday 19^th September – the EU army seems to be creeping closer as France and Germany agree that a permanent strategic HQ should be established in Brussels. But with the UK still a member, we can block any proposal to form the army. It sounds like another trade off for Brexit. And the thought of a military run by the EU almost guarantees the order Ready – Fire – Aim based on their decision-making precedents.

    The LBGT traffic light filters installed near Trafalgar Square for gay pride week are here to stay according to Transport for London. Age Concern believe a second sign should be added showing elderly couples supporting each other rather than holding hands. This is due to seeing elderly people peering at the green signs but refusing to cross as they are unsure what message the lights are giving. LBGT training courses for the over 70’s will shortly be introduced in Central London to resolve the problem. There will be no practical work on the courses.

    Tuesday 20^th September – ex-soldiers yesterday completed a 22km march through New York to raise awareness about the 22 vets and soldiers that take their own lives each year. They are trying to shed light on PTSD and the effect of it on many former soldiers. The US is not alone in the lack of support offered to those who served their country. Those who marched towards the sound of battle deserve on going support, whatever the cost, as they try to return to normality back at home. At the same time the UK government should put a stop to the spurious allegations made against our soldiers for events in the Iraq war. Most of them are based on word of mouth, mainly unsupported, but with the simple aim of receiving money for so called compensation. Wars don’t end with the last shot fired.

    A woman in Barnstaple, Devon accidently rang the police in Barnstaple, Massachusetts to report a car accident near Ilfracombe. The US cop showed a great sense of humour by telling her the response time would be about six hours! The lady in question raged about the irresponsible motorist who caused the accident but her grasp of technology may make her account questionable.

    Friday 9^th September – saw the debate between Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith, Labour leadership contenders, last night.  Many pundits are suggesting that if Corbyn retains the leadership it will condemn Labour to a decade in opposition. Having listened to Smith I’m convinced that if he wins, the time in opposition will stretch to twenty years. Smith seemed keen on attacking Corbyn rather than listening to the audience, coming across as a thoroughly unpleasant character as he did so. Successful leaders require the trust of their followers. It took an hour for me to be certain that Smith couldn’t lead me down to the pub for free drinks!

    What will it take to make the EU listen? Hungary’s PM, Viktor Orban, is leading a series of rallies across his country against the EU’s mandatory migrant relocation quotas. Then on October 2^nd a referendum takes place on accepting or rejecting the quotas. Brussels have reacted strongly against the call for a referendum and say the result will not be binding, insisting that Hungary will still have to accept their quota. So a democratic vote has no meaning if it clashes with an EU directive! Roll on Brexit.

    Saturday 10^th September – thought it was April 1^st when we heard the comment from David Thompson, Chief Constable of West Midlands police – “if a potential recruit asked to wear the burka, it is something we would have to consider.” We’re not sure how you identify police constables just by their eyes. How long before he is charging miscreants under Sharia Law?

    Sunday 11^th September – as your flight takes off and you head for the skies you can sink back in your seat and look forward to a nice relaxing holiday. Maybe not if you are sharing an easyJet flight with a failed asylum seeker screaming “allahu akbar” and “we will die”. Great planning by the Home Office again. 

     The memorial gathering at Ground Zero brought back memories of the 9/11 attack, vivid even for non-Americans. It seems hard to contemplate it happened 15 years ago. The pictures are always in your mind, seen with disbelief at the time, vivid flashbacks even now when something reminds you of that day. The world changed that day and whatever atrocities we see from ISIS we know they can never win. The US recovered and their actions since sent a message to terrorists everywhere. They don’t roll over, have long memories and will seek and destroy those who attack them.

    Monday 12^th September – A member of the Queen’s Guard is alleged to have snorted ‘white powder’ off a ceremonial sword. We often wondered what those swords were for?

    David Cameron has quickly decided to leave the parliamentary fray to shake the money tree. He will soon be on the speaker circuit, probably sharing a platform with Tony Blair. There doesn’t seem much danger of him selling his negotiation skills to the EU after they experienced his attempts to get a better deal pre-Brexit. He has a book deal on offer, but the chapter on his legacy will be very short.

    Tuesday 13^th September – conspiracy theorists are having a field day with Hilary Clinton’s illness. The one we like best is that Hilary has died and been replaced with a body double. We doubt that since Bill would have demanded a twenty-year-old double and there is only so much you can do with make up. In addition, pathologist Bennet Ornalu has hinted that Mrs Clinton may be a victim of poisoning. Guess which names he hinted at as those responsible? ‘I do not trust Mr Putin and Mr Trump’ he added. That could be a vote winner for The Donald from anti-Clinton voters!

    Naturist carpenter Robert Jenner is raising a few eyebrows as he carries out renovations to his house in Snodland, Kent. He likes to work in the buff. Earlier this month he received an ASBO for his bare arsed cheek after neighbours complained at the sights they were seeing every time he bent to work at floor level. On a positive note he has been inundated with offers of work!

    Greggs have succumbed to the health fanatics and launched two new patties using sourdough-based pastry. The fillings offer a choice of chicken katsu or Bombay potato. Paddy is certain the end of the world is nigh.

    Thursday 1^st September – it is reported that ISIS have banned football referees in one of its Syrian strongholds. Apparently, upholding the rules of Fifa should be secondary to Sharia Law. It seems that a player injured in a tackle could receive compensation from the opponent or exact revenge under Sharia. Imagine how much ‘diving’ will now occur. And a really tough tackle could result in the loss of a limb – but not to the player on the receiving end of the tackle!

    Friday 2nd September – as the BMA escalate their strike action they should at least be honest about their reasons. Call it what it is, a pay dispute, rather than spouting this crap about saving the NHS. Perhaps the junior doctors feel that their superior intelligence allows them to treat mere patients as idiots, when most of us see straight through their rhetoric. If you are striking over weekend payments, tell us. At least you retain your credibility that way.

    Saturday 3^rd September - more demonstrations from anti-Brexiteers hoping to reverse a democratic vote. We can only assume they haven’t noticed the impact the vote has had on the economy. Most of the pundits who forecast apocalypse have been forced to row back their threats. And still the minority scream for the government to ignore the result of the referendum. The euro is a failed currency, the EU economy is a mess and still ‘remainers’ want to stay in. I wish I could understand their argument.  And those who keep saying we don’t have a plan clearly have no experience of negotiation. The preparation and discussion stages of any negotiation are key. Rush them and you pay a price. These early stages are carried on behind closed doors. Hopefully, those tasked with doing the deal will ignore the ignorant loud voices.

    Norwegian photographer Claus Jørstad’s complaint about his Ikea shower stool got great coverage on Facebook. He managed to get his testicles caught in one of the holes in the seat. His story won an apology from Ikea. We just shook our heads. If he is incapable of reaching under the stool to manoeuvre said body part out of the hole we are amazed he can use a camera!

     Sunday 4^th September – interesting to see Jeremy Vine has joined the head cam cycling brigade, publishing the results when abused by a motorist – and all Vine did was ride down the middle of the road making it impossible for cars to pass! We foresee a future where every road user will never leave home without their cameras recording every inch of their journey. It will make life interesting for the police and crown prosecution service. Both groups will require increased numbers of staff, fully occupied watching head and car cam footage as they decide if a crime has been committed. For the most part, all they will see is inconsiderate people on both two and four wheels.

    Another MP has been caught up in a sex-based sting. There’s a surprise. Keith Vaz has made all the normal apologies and in many respects that should be the end of it. He should be allowed to go quietly away to make his peace with his family. Having fronted a safe sex campaign in his constituency last year and as Chair of The Home Affairs Select Committee was overseeing a change in the prostitution laws, his credibility will be a bit thin. Wearing a mask is fine unless it slips. Hopefully he will resign as an MP to avoid reinforcing the view that the man in the street has of our ruling classes.

    Monday 5^th September – sadly I weakened, having said never again after the rubbish England served up in June, and watched the world cup qualifier last night. Should have had more sense though I believe I have worked out England’s problem. Eight of last night’s squad had these ‘poncey’ Corbyn beards. Trendy they will say as they preen like models. They don’t even look like real footballers. Clean them up Sam so at least they look the part. This lot would probably laugh at a photograph of the 1966 team but those lads all have something this lot will never hang round their necks.

    Tuesday 6^th September – if you happen to be in Dublin in the near future pop into The White Moose Café for a snack. Owner, Paulie, has a great sense of humour and is brilliant at pushing the buttons of minorities who cannot wait to be offended. You know the ones I mean. They see offence, racism, sexism, homophobia, in every unguarded comment they see or hear. Paulie’s recent rant that customers who require gluten free food must produce a doctor’s note confirming they suffer from coeliac disease produced the expected outrage. But his best ever comment was that he planned to charge corkage to women who breastfed in the café. Keep stepping on toes Paulie.