The appointment of Ken Livingstone as co-chair of the Labour Party defence review has stopped the in-fighting in the Party. They are now slugging it out in the open. The slanging match between John Mann and Livingstone on LBC was well worth a listen, with Mann a winner in every sense. He told Livingstone to his face that he was a bully and a bigot over his comments about people with mental health problems. He told it as he saw it, not using the non-attributable whispers to journalists that are generally the method of choice for politicians. Whatever the colour of his politics, John Mann could rely on my vote if he ever ventured south. As for Livingstone, he is what he is. I couldn’t help thinking of the definition of politically correct individuals. They’re folk who tell you which end of a turd is clean so you can pick it up.

    The jungle tests in I’m a Celebrity – Get me Out of Here, are getting brutal.  It’s nothing short of abuse to introduce a Scrabble competition. Attaching the label celebrity to most of the participants is misnomer at least, but asking them to spell words in public seems depraved. Even their name badges have be written for them. To show we feel for them, a message of support from the pub crowd. Doant giv up, wee luv you reely and wun of you will bee a winna. 

    When a lady friend talked about using Bag Balm on her face at night I had to tap it into Google since she seemed serious about it. Sure enough she was serious. The history is interesting. Produced in Vermont since 1899 – the formula was bought by John L Norris and we’d love to know who formulated the original.  The product is still produced in Vermont. It’s actually an udder cream to keep cows nether regions soft and supple. We can only assume ladies started lower down and worked up to the face.  With 8-hydroxyquinoline in the formula the smell of antiseptic is unavoidable. So if your latest girlfriend seems to be using ‘Eau de Antiseptic’ as her perfume of choice you can expect skin like satin beneath your fingers and a complete absence of bacteria. Apparently the plumping effect also reduces wrinkles – sorry, laughter lines – in ladies.

    Two of our regulars are interested in antiques and visit one or another auction most weeks. Like most auction buffs, we’ve been surprised by the growing amount of Chinese artefacts that we’re seeing – also by the prices they fetch. Regular chats with staff about the provenance of the pieces we see proves interesting. Even the so-called experts can’t differentiate the genuine from copies, so I did a bit of research. There are twelve symbols in the Chinese language for the word fake, each with a slightly different meaning. (Why did certain politicians leap to mind) Add to that the fact that reproductions and copies are an accepted part of Chinese culture and the picture clears. If the artifact (you can spell the word with an i or an e) is produced using the same materials and methods as 300 years ago, it should produce the same feelings of pleasure for the owner. That point of view has logic. The issue arrives if you have paid X million dollars for the piece and it was made the day before yesterday. Fortunately, maybe unfortunately, we will never be in the position to pay megabucks, so if we like it, it’s real enough for us.

    The Highland Council is considering the reduction of their working week to 4.5 days. If the proposal is accepted, their offices would close on Friday lunchtime. With a predicted funding gap around £21 million in 2016/17 they believe the option of shortening the week would generate significant savings in facilities such as heat and power. Staff would be given the option of reducing their contracted hours (and wages) or maintaining their hours during the working days. Getting rid of a few councillors seems a better option. Staff would jump at the chance of finishing on Friday and all would find ways of maintaining their hours. The lunatics are clearly running this asylum or the early closure wouldn’t even be an option.

    Russian colossus Gazprom has halted gas supplies to Ukraine after not receiving up front payments. If only our NHS would do the same for foreign health tourists.

    It seems that activists have glued themselves to an immigration centre gate in a deportation protest near Heathrow. At least we know where the illegals are for a change!

    The dreadful events in Paris hammer home certain truths that should focus the minds of politicians.

1.     Small well organized groups of terrorists will succeed in this sort of

murderous venture whatever the authorities do.

2.     Once it is under way, only rapid reaction armed force can limit the   

casualties.

3.     It is logistically impossible to protect every soft target with a

 large attendance.

4.     Open borders contribute to the terrorist’s ability to plan, travel

and  implement attacks.

5.     The current flood of refugees offers an ideal route into

Europe for radicalized ISIL fighters.

6.     Right wing groups will thrive on the back of these events, tit for

tat attacks almost inevitable.

    Enough reasons to warrant a change of strategy, but it will be interesting to see how European governments react once the hand wringing and breast beating comes to an end. The first priority of any government should be the protection of its citizens. A first step to achieving that objective must surely be control of your own borders. The second should be a clear picture of who lives in your country. For the UK neither are in place, nor likely to be as our government dithers.  We have the benefit of living on an island and should be using it to our advantage.  ID cards have been suggested and rejected several times. The majority of our citizens would be relaxed about carrying a card. Stop pandering to the noisy minority and introduce them. If nothing else, we’d get some idea of who resides in our country.

    It seems we are just beginning to understand the Olympic legacy that we were promised in 2012. Drugs win medals seems to sum it up, with the Russians (according to the report by the World Anti-doping Agency) using them to maximum effect. We find it hard to believe it was only the Russians! It reminded us of the cold war space race in the 50’s/60’s as Russia and the USA went head to head. Both countries were using German scientists, well versed in the use of rockets after their experience building V1’s and V2’s to drop their payloads on London during WW2. The joke when Gagarin became the first man in space was that the Russian’s German scientists were better than the American’s German scientists. It may be that some countries untraceable drug enhancement scientists are better than Russia’s. Time will tell.

    After transgender toilets, a panel of MP’s being assembled by Speaker John Bercow, will also consider job-share MP’s. The optimum solution to that must be a pair of transgender MP’s, one male, one female, during their transition. They would make the ideal job-share couple. They wouldn’t mind sharing a toilet, and size permitting, could also do a clothes swap to minimise their personal costs. Pass the tablets, somebody.

    Mr Corbyn thinks it would have been preferable to arrest ‘Jihadi John’ and put him on trial. We would suggest that JC be sent to carry out a citizen’s arrest of other jihadi's!

    Conservative Minister Tracy Crouch caused offence last week with her comment that people on benefits should cut down on ‘luxuries’ like Sky TV to balance their personal books. It seemed like a reasonable comment to us but our definition of deprivation is based on our youth. Even with two of us working fulltime we never had money to spare, a fridge one of our first ‘luxuries’. My wife kept going into the kitchen to stare at it but why not, we hadn’t got a TV. Come to think of it, with the crap we are now offered on TV, staring at the fridge might be a better way to kill time!

    Gayle Newland has just got eight years in prison for pretending to be a bloke as she made love to another woman. We know she blindfolded her partner and lowered her voice, but fooled her? Who’s kidding whom? At least Gayle will have plenty of time to write her ‘how to’ book. I just hope we live long enough to see the film of the book. Fifty Shades of Grey is for amateurs now!

    Transgender just won’t go away. Brew Dog has launched the ‘world’s first non-binary transgender beer’ called No Label. Confused by the description – yes, so were we. However, it appears some hops switch from female to male, only female hops generally used to make beer. As Brew Dog said in an announcement, ‘beer can be whatever it wants to be, and proud of it’. But even the beer is confused, falling somewhere between ale and lager, no surgery required as far as we know.  We’re not sure if training is required before we’re allowed to drink the brew. Certain words we may use to describe the taste could easily cause offence to the politically correct. All profits from No Label will go to Queerest of the Queer, a UK based LGBT organization. No Label will surely become the drink of choice at post op celebrations, be they dick on or dick off (terminology courtesy of the Greer guide to surgery) We might organize a tasting at one of our locals if Germaine is available to deliver the toasts on the night.

    Not to be outdone, Speaker John Bercow is considering the installation of transgender toilets in the House of Commons as part of a review of ‘gender insensitivities’. We’re not sure what they’ll put on the doors, Mx for Mixter the likely title to be adopted. Security persons at the house will have to be retrained in case they need to pat down a mixter! Imagine the stress that a female officer could suffer if she patted down a person in a skirt and found she was built like a donkey. I’m attending the political correctness course next week. 

    We seem to have an interesting set of laws for those arrested during violent protests. Answer all questions no comment and refuse to give your name, then promise to return in a year’s time. Naturally they will return, even though there is no address to which court appearance papers can be sent. We had to check the date to make sure we hadn’t been transported to April 1^st, even more concerned when we found we hadn’t been. It certainly sets an interesting precedent, one that is sure to be repeated on a regular basis in the future.

    Merkel madness is being exposed more each day. A village in Lower Saxony is about to be swamped by immigrants, probably unpalatable to both villagers and newly arrived, but imposed by Germany’s central government. The immigrants will outnumber locals by 7 to 1. Local elections could be interesting when the immigrants achieve citizenship. Hardly surprising is the news that IKEA is running out of flat pack beds. They may need to translate the instructions on how to assemble them into 37 additional languages. Sweden also welcomed immigrants but is struggling to cope, their Migration Minister saying they may not be able to house the newcomers. We can understand the emotional welcome message from both countries but reality soon strikes home. The solution to the problem has to be found on the immigrant’s home soil. How different will the situation be in England if the forecast population growth is anywhere near accurate? The word village will cease to have meaning if the forecast numbers are to be housed. Will we ever get leaders who will take the really tough decisions, the courage to say “no” to the emotional solution and apply hardheaded logic?

    We were talking about great leaders the other day and Winston Churchill got a mention, as did his stature. At five foot seven or thereabouts, he was small in stature, but immense as a leader. It reminded us of other outstanding leaders of similar height to Churchill – Napoleon, Mussolino, Stalin, Nelson – not all heroes in our minds but successful leaders in their time.  Maybe we’ve identified a problem in the modern world. Our current leaders are six foot plus – Cameron and Obama well over. Perhaps it’s time we got a shorty in power with the over compensatory aggression they often show. The discussion collapsed when Ben mentioned Lord Sugar and Tom Cruise in the same breath as leadership.

    Good to see that Jeremy Corbyn’s son Sebastian won’t be badly affected by the benefits cap. As an aide to Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell he’s reputed to be on a salary of around £35K a year. Nepotism rules. Sebastian should be ready for a safe seat by the time the next election comes round.

    Country Life Magazine, the pub goers bible in our view, the upper classes guide to gentrification in editor Mark hedges opinion, recently published their 39 steps to being a gentleman. We read them with some interest. We can’t cover all of them but some made us smile.

Puts his phone on silent - seemed one we could agree with though gentlemen of our age often can’t remember where we left the phone.

Can undo a bra with one hand – generated a healthy discussion. None of us knew Mark Hedges proclivities but none of us has ever worn a bra. That left the only other reason and the consensus was that bras push up easily and quickly. Maybe that answer precludes being gentlemen.

Knows when not to speak – easy for men who have married. It is anytime your wife is talking.

Never blow dries his hair – a quick glance round the table showed we met this step without any problem, barely enough to blow dry if we combined what we had. Goldilocks Adrian didn’t agree.

Sandals? No never – instant agreement from us. Crocs with socks, summer and winter.

Knows sex isn’t a competition – we scored well on that one, preferring darts nowadays!!

Can prepare a bonfire – wake up Mark. Gentlemen have gardeners.

    There were so many more and we assessed all 39 – space and decency preclude many of the others. We gave a round of applause for Mark Hedges though. Publishing a list like this in Country Life takes courage or a wish for early retirement.

    Travel guide Lonely Planet has named Manchester as one of the top ten cities to visit next year. On that basis I might decide to avoid the other nine, though at least three are among our favourite places. If the list was based on the most likely places to get your hubcaps stolen or your car broken into it would be valid. Shootings are down though, so that’s a plus!!    

    Transgender wasn’t a word we knew as kids though from time to time we came across men and women who lived their lives as the opposite sex to birth. In those days it was considered odd but nobody chased them down the street to shout abuse, maybe commenting about them to friends, but nothing more. Now it appears that their situation must be broadcast and highlighted. The recent case where a male lunchtime supervisor at a primary school plans to change his sex is now dragging very young children into his decision. Teaching children who can barely read and spell about transgender must be politically correct nonsense. Their ability to assimilate what they are taught - we use the word taught advisedly - on that topic is more than questionable, confusion the predictable result. Leave it be. The children won’t even remember the change a week after it happens and mum and dad can answer any questions they have.

    On the same subject since it’s hard to avoid it, Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner, had her status in Glamour Magazine’s ‘women of the year’ generate an acid response from Germaine Greer. “Just because you lop off your dick and then wear a dress doesn’t make you a fucking woman.” I think we get the message Germaine. Hard words, but perhaps an extreme reaction to the ‘look at me, I’m different’ groups who want to highlight their situation. For heaven’s sake, get on with your lives and let us do the same.

    It’s not often we use the word classy in the same sentence as Australian, maybe because we’re POMS. That changed on Saturday after Stephen Moore, Australia’s captain of their rugby team was interviewed. Following a thrilling final, losing captain Stephen gave full credit to the All Blacks, no if’s no but’s. Good on yer, mate, for showing leadership both on and off the field. We need to add that it wouldn’t have been such a great game without you and the team you led.         

    The Pope recently told a gathering of travellers not to fight or swindle and to respect the law. I’ll light a candle and use the light from it to check the locks on my shed!