We’re not sure who came up with the idea of playing hide and seek in Ikea stores but we think it’s great.  The games began in Belgium and spread rapidly through Europe. The games were organized through Facebook, but got out of hand as participants became more and more creative about hiding places.  Fridges became popular hiding places and opening a home delivery from Ikea could take on a whole new meaning. Maybe you’ll receive a friend to give you hand next time you open a flat pack.  And I wouldn’t dare risk buying a bidet. But will it stop?  It seems 19,000 people have joined a Facebook group promoting a game in Amsterdam next month.  But if Ikea make the ban stick, how long before the new craze, snakes and ladders, takes over from it? The first games are reputed to to take place in the UK.  A copy of the rules will shortly be available on Facebook!

    German supermarket, Aldi, have been announced as the official supermarket of Team GB as they prepare for the next Olympics.  Aldi have a sharp eye for business as British retail giants have found to their cost.  The next step for Aldi must be to sponsor the England football team.  No other team has done more to build the reputation of German football than our well-drilled penalty takers.  Some of our players may be challenged by the words of their new anthem but they struggle to sing the one we already have.  All together lads – Deutschland, Deutschland über alles. Don’t say you’ve forgotten the words again Wayne!  There may be more in these words than is first apparent.  An Oxford University study into our genetic heritage shows that up to 40% of our DNA may be from Germanic ancestors, all due to Anglo-Saxon migrations here in 450-600 AD.  Maybe the European Union is older than we realized and the borders were as open then as they are today.  We can’t imagine they came here for jobs, unless rape and pillage was available through job centres.  The research also offers a hint to Roy Hodgson, he of the ‘lithp’, when selecting the England soccer squad.  Only select players with high levels of Germanic DNA.  If you can’t beat them, join them!

    Angela Merkel and Alexis Tsipras have had another meeting in Berlin about the release of more funds for Greece, Merkel at pains to point out that Germany is just one of the Euronations.  It makes it sound like some sort of equal partnership on that basis.  Let’s hope it doesn’t encourage Luxembourg to start throwing their weight around.  But as the two leaders dance around the problem we’ve identified the real issue.  Angela is dancing the Zweifacher, a folk dance where the couple are tightly wound to each other.  Alexis doesn’t know the steps and is sticking to the Greek Sirtaki where dancers never get closer than arms length.  Will they ever move on to the waltz?  We think the odds are against it unless Angela is willing to pay for a partner.  

    I’m reminded of the old story of the frog giving a lift on his back to a scorpion that wants to cross a river.  The frog does it on the basis that the scorpion can’t sting him or both will die.  Halfway across the scorpion stings the frog, guaranteeing death to both.  With his final breath, the frog asks why to be told by the scorpion that it’s in his nature.  Germans tend to be hard working, law abiding, economically careful – it’s in their nature.  Greeks place value on unearned early retirement, non-existent tax laws and have lived beyond their means for years – it’s in their nature.  Does a common currency make any sense?

    Meanwhile, France continues to be given extra time to sort out its budget.  It has failed to meet its 3% deficit target for several years with little in the way of condemnation from Eurozone partners. With a bloated public sector and successive governments that are unwilling to do battle with said public sector, France seems unlikely to change.  Maybe Greece isn’t the biggest issue the Eurozone faces.         

    It’s hard to read or listen to media without the exodus of young Muslims to fight or support IS militants in Syria taking centre stage.  As normal, the politicians take little notice of the voters.  Our main concern isn’t them leaving, it’s the possibility of them coming back and taking the battle to our streets.  Let their parents stop them from becoming radicalized while our security services protect our borders.

    NICE, our National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, generally get headlines for rejecting new treatments for niche cancers, return on investment their usual reason.  A tough decision, particularly if you happen to be the patient or family of, that sees extra months of life disappear.  They have now excelled themselves.  Their latest guidance to be published is how to tackle obesity.  The advice, eat less and take exercise, must have involved hours of research, a multitude of meetings and significant cost.  Firing the people who allowed it to be published might free up funds to give some poor soul a few more months with their loved ones.

    The French have always made it a point of honour to resist the addition of English words to their language, which has been protected by the Académie Française since 1635.  Common words, like the universal email has become ‘courriel’ in France. This is unlike the Brits, who have absorbed numerous French words into everyday use.  Is it about to change?  Fleur Pellerin, the French Culture Minister, suggests that words from other languages could enrich la culture française.  Touché madame ministre!

    A wedding collapsed in the village of Uttar Pradesh in India when the groom failed a simple maths test.  The family of the bride didn’t believe the grooms claims to be an educated man.  They tested him in the marriage hall by asking him to add 15 and 6.  His answer of 17 stopped the marriage in its tracks.  Friends of the groom insist he is educated and mumbled something about the bride should not have lifted her veil before he was asked to do the sum!   

    Sales at Dignitas in Switzerland have grown by 25% during the last year.  Forecasts suggest it will grow even more as our election campaign drags on.  We fear that Dignitas may not cope with demand when the politicians begin their televised debates.  A great many people we know are already giving up the will to live as they hear how wonderful life will be if we vote in a particular way.  I’ll borrow a French word for what exits our politician’s mouths – merde.

    Teenagers that are trying to reach and join IS in Syria are continuing to occupy our police and security services.  If a similar effort had been applied to stop the abuse of children in Rochdale, Oxford and how many more locations, the stories we now read may have been avoided.  We can only hope that similar effort will be made to stop the return of ‘fighters’ from Syria if the war turns against them.  They are not victims.

    Is it coincidence that Hilary Clinton’s silhouette on the cover of Time Magazine shows her with horns?  The magazine editors insist it is. Really? Ah well, call me a cynic then. Never fear Hilary, you’re in great company.  Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama, Margaret Thatcher, Pope Francis and even Jesus Christ have had similar treatment and it didn’t seem to hold them back! 

    One of our favourites, Valérie Trierweiler, is back in the news for allegedly giving a slap to a café owner. She may now be forced to undergo a psychiatric assessment as a result of the ‘attack’.  By our reckoning, dumping Hollande should be proof that the lady is of perfectly sound mind.  French voters will do the same thing at the first opportunity.

    Getting a red card has moved on from soccer and rugby.  Broomfield Hospital in Essex is now using a colour card system to identify the seriousness of patient conditions in A&E.  It seemed a good idea, to ensure that patients with the greatest needs are seen as quickly as possible, until a few words were added to the card to identify the condition that had to be treated.  A broken arm or leg would be treated with sympathy, but how would people react if they saw bleeding piles on your card.  And we’re not sure what few words would be used to describe a mishap with a sex toy, battery change perhaps!

    A smiling Vladimir Putin reappeared yesterday after a few days on the missing list.  His first task was to mobilize Russia’s Northern Fleet to combat readiness.  The size of the mobilization dwarfs the NATO exercise off Scotland.  His message seems clear.  Mines bigger than yours lads. Next!

    Long live the Green Party.  As the election battle revs up we can rely on them to introduce Monty Python like humour to the proceedings, made even funnier by the fact that they deliver their thoughts with seriousness and belief.  It comes as no surprise that their membership is growing apace.  Our lads would all join if we had a local candidate that hadn’t been sectioned.  Chairman, Natalie Bennett is deserving of her own chat show on television.  She spouts garbage with total conviction and should never be interrupted by questions.  We know she can’t answer them and it breaks the hilarious flow.  A recording of her speeches, supported by some gems from John Prescott, would sell millions.  The Green conference also introduced us to a new idea –‘attunement’.  The meditative breaks in the midst of business are almost too good to be true.  Apparently they relieve stress!  Om, om – all together now.  And how do you get stressed at an event like a Green conference.  The only problem was my ribs aching from laughter.  With any luck they’ll win another seat and become part of a technicolour coalition.  In truth they’re not much crazier than the other parties but they’re much more fun.  The Greens control the council in Brighton and are planning to replace half their Pay-and-Display parking meters with cashless systems.  Social services will be very busy coping with the upsurge of confused pensioners found shouting at meters in the street!  More attunement anyone?

    Son of the manse Gordon Brown has raised his head above the parapet again, likening the UK to the ‘North Korea’ of Europe if we leave the EU.  He suggests we’d be out in the cold with no friends. He speaks as something of an expert on that topic.  We haven’t seen much of him lately so we can only guess at the haircut he now sports.

    On the subject of the EU, commission president Jean-Claude Juncker is leading the call for an EU army.  He feels that an EU army would help to persuade Vladimir Putin that Europe was serious about defending its values in the face of the threat from Moscow.  On the subject of values, perhaps Jean-Claude could arrange for the cost of arming the force to be paid for by the money Luxembourg pocketed through sweetheart tax deals to major corporations during his leadership.  If the force ever came into being it would have more generals than soldiers if it followed normal commission principles. I bet Putin hasn’t stopped laughing since he heard the report.

    It is estimated that 1700 girls were abused in Rotherham and Oxford, while those in charge queued to receive their gratefully accepted OBE’s, CBE’s, etc.  They should be made to stand in public as they are removed.     

    The three schoolgirls that have decamped to Syria to join IS continue to generate headlines.  In an appearance before the Home Affairs Committee their families seem to blame the police, security services and just about anyone else for the girls flight.  Oddly, the families seem to be faultless.  We now hear the girls will be treated as victims if they return to the UK.  That sounds like an open door for any fighters that want to return when they’re sufficiently trained to present a real threat to our home security.

    Another disaster for the ‘Big Boys Toys’ brigade as Top Gear is pulled from our screens by the BBC, for a couple of weeks at least.  Big beast Clarkson appears to have stepped over the mark, allegedly throwing a punch at some poor soul.  The BBC didn’t use the word punch, calling it a fracas.  We can’t understand the fuss.  If he did it, they should have filmed the incident as a part of the programme.  It would have guaranteed another million on the viewing audience.  And looking at the state of Clarkson, we couldn’t imagine any punch he threw doing serious damage.  If he took a serious swing he’d probably need medical treatment for torn ligaments.  How long before we see him on Sky?

    Hospital visits occur with age and the wife of one of the lads has recently been for a check up.  She came back with a question.

            “Why does a gynaecologist put you behind a screen to undress?”

We haven’t received a sensible answer so far.

    Life can be full of shocks!  For soap actor, Dmitry Nikolaev, being approached by an attractive blonde just after he finished a performance in a Moscow theatre seemed like opportunity knocks.  With a different type of performance probably in mind he joined her for drinks and a sauna.  He remembered nothing afterwards until he woke in a bus shelter.  A visit to a hospital showed that his testicles had been surgically removed and by a professional hand!  After a hard days work, I’ve often said I felt knackered but never to that extent.  A new career beckons in the UK as an advisor to Ed Miliband.  Word has it that for several months he has been keen to get rid of his Balls, without so far summoning the courage.

    Spain is toying with the idea of introducing ‘breathalyzer’ testing for pedestrians who are staggering as they walk.  They say it is to deter drunks from staggering into the path of motorists and causing accidents.  We may have to avoid Spain as a holiday destination in future since several of us with dodgy knees are prone to staggering on any other than smooth pavements.  Added to which, our asthma would make the long steady blow into a ‘breathalyzer’ a serious health risk!   

    Apologists, mainly human rights group Cage, are seeking sympathy for Jihadi John now his name has become public.  They seem to be blaming everyone from British security services to school bullies for driving him to join IS. How those factors turned him into a psychopathic murderer they fail to explain.  At least Jihadi John should be easy to find now he has been named.  He’ll be leaving a characteristic snail trail everywhere he goes, though the colour of the trail is likely to be brown.  Killed or captured seems the only remaining question?  In our view captured would be the best solution, but only if he is tried in the US.  There he would receive a genuine life sentence and in a prison that wouldn’t cater to his every need.  

    It seems to be a week of reports, a failure to protect vulnerable children in Oxford, maternity care failure leading to baby deaths in Morecambe Bay Health Trust.  The common factor once again is that no one appears to be held accountable, although handwringing and apologies have already begun.  Until those who fail are held accountable there seems no point holding enquiries.  We could simply change the name of the responsible organisation and copy whichever report is the nearest match.  At least we’ve not heard anyone say ‘lessons have been learned’ but it’s just a question of time.  Many moons ago Cheryl Breetwor of ShareData said

        ‘You can’t be motivated by self-interests and expect to be a leader’. 

A straightforward statement that sums up what was wrong in both these organisations.  Without leadership, the rot sets in and infects staff at every level.  Once it spreads, those dependent on the organisation pay the price, frequently a heavy one.

    It was fascinating listening to Sir Andrew Dilnot, the chair of the UK Statistics Authority, as he gave examples of politicians manipulating (by accident of course) various national figures.  Sadly, his only recourse was to write an open letter to the culprit, barely reported, unlike the original that received column-headed pages in the favoured media.  Perhaps we have reached the stage where the process should be reversed.  If a politician plans to seek a headline using statistics, it should first be passed as accurate by the Statistics Authority.  If nothing else, we could begin to believe!

     A typical old git I was listening to Sinatra singing My Way the other day and it sprang to mind when a piece about the Clinton portrait appeared in the on line news. “Regrets, I’ve had a few” must register on Bill as the ghost of Monica Lewinsky appears in the portrait.  Clearly the artist, Nelson Shanks isn’t a fan of Clinton.  Even so, it seems sad that a dumb mistake can overshadow a great statesman.  I can only hope there was some gain for Bill – maybe he stopped smoking.

    There is more money currently spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer research.  By 2040 there will be a major population of elderly people with large breasts and serious erections, but no memory of what to do with them!