A teenager has been caught practicing medicine in Florida without medical qualifications.  The supposed ‘doctor’ opened his own surgery and seemed to be developing a successful practice. His only degree was purchased from the Universal Life Church for $29.95. We’ve had a few of those ‘doctors’ in this country, generally from India or Pakistan, but a similar situation couldn’t occur any longer. They would quickly be caught out. Patients being offered appointments by a GP without a three-week waiting period would instantly smell a rat.

    On second thoughts, this fake doctor might find a place in the hospital service as all the junior staff are on strike as I type. We’re sorry to come back to the topic but it won’t go away. The doctor’s banners insist the strike is about saving the NHS but their position flies in the face of all who experience weekends in hospital. As our pal’s illness kept him in, 5 weeks becoming 9, simple observation put the seven-day service in perspective. Most of the service grinds to a halt during the weekend, doctors on call about as visible as Lord Lucan. Death rate statistics simply support what you see as patient or visitor at the weekend. Hospital doctors invariably get support and respect from the public but call the issue what it is – a pay dispute.

    China has targeted 2020 as the year to land a ‘rover’ on Mars. Their technological abilities suggest they are likely to succeed. We wonder how long it will take them to populate then fill the planet?

    Obama seems to have instigated a ‘love in’ with Angela Merkel as demonstrations against the TTIP negotiations took place around them. He also suggested her position on immigration to Germany was the right one. It’s good to see accord between leaders, even if they are completely at odds with significant proportions of voters – in both countries! We find it remarkable that Obama takes positions in foreign countries that he wouldn’t dare raise, let alone support, in America. Obama certainly left a legacy in the UK with his comments on the EU. Interestingly, all his interviews and meetings gave him a ‘soft’ ride, the selected audiences and questions obviously vetted. Most people feel his visit was to give Cameron a helping hand while remaining focused on America’s requirements of Europe. We’re just sad he didn’t manage a visit to Newark in the UK – he’d have felt at home there.

    Health club Fitness First’s analysis of 5 years of data showed that members named Laura and James worked out more often and more efficiently than any other named members. So if you are planning dinner parties use the ‘Royals’ technique for seating. They recommend seating the boring people next to one another.

    Paddy made a point we didn’t need to hear this week. “Things we buy now will never wear out,” he said. That sort of comment doesn’t improve your lunch.   

    TTIP – the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership is worth a bit more examination as our leaders push for it. It took a Freedom of Information request to get data about the only risk assessment of TTIP carried out in the UK. The Department Of Innovation and Skills (BIS) has carried out a single review (Unpublished). The study suggested that TTIP would have limited political and economic benefits. It may also result in ‘meaningful economic costs in the UK’.  Many of us are aware of so-called mushroom management – ‘keep them in the dark and feed them shit’, the classic description. Politicians seem to be taking it to a whole new level.

    Based on comments from the police and the NHS casualty departments we were under the impression that the UK is a pretty boozy country. We are constantly questioned about numbers of units we drink every time we have a check up at the GP’s. Most of us lie. Not deliberately, you understand. Partly it is due to the difference in the size of glasses we use and how much we pour. The other issue is memory. We often have problems remembering what we did yesterday let alone how many units we have each week. Now it appears we’re non-starters in the drinking stakes. Data on dependence on alcohol puts The UK 25^th in the world. On the basis of that data, we shall stop worrying about units, safe in the knowledge that we can’t be drinking too much or we’d be much higher in the league table.    

    Europhile MP Ken Clark is a leading member of the ‘Stay’ campaign. He keeps quiet about his leading the charge for the Euro when we faced that decision. We put it down to age and fading memory, assisted by the belief he is never wrong! But his latest comment suggests he might be changing his mind. He insists that David Cameron wouldn’t last 30 seconds if he loses the vote to stay in. That sounds like a pretty strong reason for voting ‘leave’ to many of us.

    The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has just carried out its first wedding – also called the ‘noodle knot’ since the rings were made of pasta. It happened in New Zealand, where last month the religion was officially recognized as a faith. The Ministeroni, vicar to us, said more weddings are planned. We can’t wait for the first-born. Birthing pools are pretty standard but a large bath of cold pasta could be messy. We can only guess about the christening and what gets dumped on the poor kids head. Rugby and sheep aside, New Zealand doesn’t spring to mind but we can imagine a flood of visitors with wedding plans in the near future. Italy has certainly missed a trick as their national dish becomes ‘cause célèbre’ in another country. We can’t wait to see some of the All Blacks doing The Hakka with a colander on their head. Not that we’d risk passing a comment in their presence!

    National treasure, Sir Terry Wogan, has been blamed for downgrading the British public’s view of The Eurovision Song Contest. The gentleman allocating blame is Christer Bjorkman, (Who?) this year’s producer of the show. Clearly Bjorkman sees it as some sort of serious contest. While questioning his sanity we feel sure he will be pleased that the BBC have taken steps to make their production of the show more serious by placing it in the hands of Graham Norton. I’m sure Graham will treat Eurovision with the respect it deserves.

    A University of Cambridge study has come up with a startling finding – ‘money can buy you happiness’. They set out to disprove the old adage that ‘money can’t buy you happiness’. They say their research is conclusive if your spending is in line with your personality type. We’re not sure how much the research cost but we could have produced the same result in very short order if we’d been given the research budget. Our crowd meets frequently for lunch in pubs, many of them busy at lunchtime with people in our age group. We’re not awash with money but we have enough to do as we please to a great extent. Our lunches sometimes sound like a medical convention as current medication and recent diagnoses are exchanged, but happiness, believe it, we’re a happy group. Happiness isn’t simply reliant on money but if having money makes you unhappy, at least you suffer in comfort. If you wish to see real unhappiness, collect together a crowd of folk without a pot to pee in. Then you’ll see really long faces and a whining noise like a broken transmission.

    The Metro carried a piece about disgusting displays of gluttony this week. It reminded me of a medical conference I attended where the attendees (all doctors) were poised on the starting blocks for the speaker to end his speech. His “thank you for listening” was like firing a starting pistol as the medics stampeded for the buffet tables. Their behaviour was summed up superbly by the aside to a colleague from a big Jamaican waiter. I’ve never forgotten his face when he commented, “I thought de suckling pigs were on de menu”. I think he said suckling.

    The French economy minister, Emmanuel Macron, made his position clear on the UK exiting the EU in an interview with Andrew Marr on Sunday. There will be consequences of leaving was his clear message. Suck it up and stop moaning about the EU was how he sees it. The state of the French economy suggests he isn’t a man with great credibility but he talks a good job. If the Brexit team needs help they should encourage Macron to keep coming here to state his views. He sounds like another Brit hater, a smaller version of Charles de Gaulle, without the nose.

    A transgender woman claims to have been raped 2000 times after being sent to a male prison. Would it have been different in a female prison? We await the demands for LBGT prisons.

    Thought for the week - It’s tough between a rock and an injunction.

    So David Cameron had a few shares in dad’s offshore company. It was no big deal since it was perfectly legal and he paid the appropriate taxes when he sold the shares. If he’d made the position clear as soon as his father became a name in the Panama papers it would have been a non-story. By keeping quiet for a couple of days, raising suspicions about his reasons, he offers the Labour Party another free shot at goal that they will accept with gratitude. One of our lads had experience in crisis management and their advice was always to get the bad news on the table straightaway. Then spell out the actions you have taken to ameliorate the issue. That approach makes the problem yesterday’s news in double quick time. Maybe Dave’s advisors are as poor as George Osborne’s. We don’t have a problem with him trying to save a bit of tax, which of us wouldn’t if we could. Have we bought ISA’s for instance? But it certainly raises more questions about Cameron’s judgment. We’re too small a group to be any sort of poll but we are ‘natural’ Conservatives, and to a man, utterly disappointed with Cameron’s leadership.  Mistake after mistake makes you examine with care every decision he takes. And he’s the leading advocate for staying in the EU. Has he got that one right? 

    David Furnish, married partner of Sir Elton John, seems slightly peeved that he doesn’t have a title. He makes a fair point that most titled men automatically pass on the title of Lady to their spouses. It generated a lively debate in the pub about what that title might be. Lady seemed a non-starter, partly because we weren’t sure who does what. Dame seemed a possibility, but might cause confusion for those who already carry that title. Dowager got a fair response and it is a title obtained from a husband, though generally after death. Delivering that title would be asking too much of Sir Elton really. Ben suggested Matron but that simply called to mind all those ‘Carry On’ films and the discussion went downhill after that.

    Jeremy Corbyn has got a new fan. Hollywood star Danny DeVito has come out in support of him as Prime Minister. We can’t wait to see a complete breakdown of Danny’s IRS statements for the last few years.

    The latest work from the Department of Archaeology at Tel Aviv University shows literacy ability of a high order in the Holy Land around 600 BC. Much of the discovered writing inscribed in ink on pottery takes the form of mundane shopping lists. If only the descendants of teachers of that time now lived in the UK. Some of the kids leaving our schools would be hard pressed to write a shopping list at present, and they would never eat broccoli because they couldn’t spell it. 

    A judge in Karachi is recommending IQ tests and minimum levels of intelligence for anybody joining the local police force. He took the step after asking a policeman in court “if he knew how a hand grenade worked”. The grenade had been brought into the court as part of the evidence package. The policeman said yes and pulled out the pin to show his expertise. The policeman, the judge and a court clerk are recovering from their injuries in hospital. Fortunately, the policeman was carried away before he could demonstrate how his assault rifle worked!

    The Half Moon pub in Herne Hill, now closed due to flooding, was best known for some of the live acts (U2, The Police) that graced it. Now their fame has been widened by a list kept by the staff. The list was aimed at helping staff to identify drinkers that were banned from the pub. Have any of these banned drinkers moved to a pub near you?

            Staring Pervert – always comes in a crash hat

            Flat Cap Coke Fiend

            The Ginger Drunk Twat Called Angus

            Mickey Two Suits

            Crazy Linda

I can only hope Fullers reopen The Half Moon. Our crowd would certainly be calling in if only to take a look at the drinkers.       

    A woman had 16 teeth removed by her dentist and collapsed and died in the car park. We assume she waited until then to look at the bill.

    Suddenly it is all about steel.  And once more Cameron and his merry men are at sixes and sevens. They should thank their lucky stars that Labour elected Jeremy Corbyn as leader. Anyone half popular and the Conservatives would be nailed to the cross by now – appropriate for Easter perhaps. The only difference, that they wouldn’t make a comeback in a couple of days.

    Like any foundation industry, steel is important to the UK and needs to be saved, though it may need restructuring. Even if sold there will be a significant cost to the government in the form of ‘sweeteners’ to the purchaser. Failing that, the cost of unemployment benefits could be billions. Some rapid decisions need to be made. We can only hope that Cameron doesn’t make another fag packet strategic decision, the type for which he has precedent. If he fumbles for money down the back of the settee he needs look no further than the Overseas Aid Budget. How it is spent doesn’t bear close examination and a billion here or there would be useful at home.

    Capital punishment, waterboarding for terrorists, a wall to keep out immigrants, nuclear war between Japan and North Korea – Trump seemed able to make outrageous comments without losing a single vote. But ‘The Donald’ finally made the shortest goodbye speech ever made by a prospective President  – ‘punishment linked to abortion’ – it doesn’t matter how - have a nice day Donald.

    Waseem Ahmed, the head of the family run Indian restaurant Shimla Cottage in Coatbridge, North Lanarkshire, stands a fair chance of winning the Basil Fawlty award for customer relations this year. Any customer who posts a negative comment on TripAdvisor can guarantee a robust response. Our only thoughts when reading his response to Mari of Glasgow was that it was beautifully written. “Rather than go into the minutiae of your written excrement masquerading as a review, may I simply express my hope that you were able to set-aside the money we took off your bill for the inedible curry towards a personality transplant.”  If Waseem ever gets bored with the restaurant trade he has a guaranteed second career as an author. Coatbridge is a bit far for us to travel but we’re tempted to write a poor review just for the pleasure of his response! Keep it up Waseem, you might end up with a television series. To complete the picture – the restaurant is located in Sunnyside Street. The location reflects Waseem’s sunny personality!  You couldn’t make it up, could you?

    ‘Karoshi’ is the Japanese word for death from overworking. Legal claims relating to karoshi rose to a record high in Japan during the last financial year. Why did it become a topic of conversation in the pub? Well, a couple of us have been watching with interest drainage works in the village of Bramley in Hampshire. A letter from the Highways Agency informed locals that it would take 3 weeks. It has just entered week 13 with a lot more left to do. A local summed it up beautifully. “If I’d have known years ago that you could earn a living by standing around scratching your arse I’d have chosen a different career option.”  And work never starts until the Welfare Vehicle arrives on site!  Karoshi is a word that probably won’t appear in the Amey dictionary.

    It can only be a matter of time before those with money insist all their dealings with intermediaries are carried out on paper. The Panama Papers almost guarantee it. The more leaks we see, the more obvious it becomes that electronic data cannot be made secure. Cyber crime is thriving and nothing we’ve seen so far suggests that our police services will get it under control. What else can we learn from the leak? Simply the fact those with serious money will seek to hang on to as much of it as possible. What a surprise!! When the dust settles we shall see if those concerned used tax avoidance or tax evasion. We’d bet that most of the schemes sit under the avoidance heading though a few crooks will come under the spotlight. And the next leak can’t be far away.

    A 27 stone mum from Stalybridge, Greater Manchester has launched a fundraising bid to pay for a gastric bypass operation. This after her husband used inheritance money to book two cruises. They cancelled one when she found the NHS wouldn’t fund her operation and now seeks donations. Cruises are well known as dietary holidays, hence the bookings! Clearly she planned to spend all her time on the ship in the gym. We tried a whip round in the pub but only collected a needle and some strong thread.