Friday 22^nd July – a café owner in Felixstowe, Suffolk got a round of applause in the pub this week. She has taken a stand against disruptive children whose parents seem oblivious of their kid’s obnoxious behaviour. Needless to say her stand has been greeted by screams from some of the yummy mummy’s that allow their kids to run amok in any number of public places. Kim Christofi made it clear that if parents made no attempt to discipline their children during a tantrum, she would have a word with them, a sharp one hopefully. Go for it Kim. You will get some abuse from parents who feel that restraint should only be applied to other situations, never to their little darlings. The abuse will be more than offset by a majority that support your stand. How about setting up a naughty corner, a couple of tables well removed from the majority? These would come into use once a child kicked off, with no attempt at control by the parent/s. Parent/s and child would be requested to move to the isolated area where the rest of the customers could observe their behaviour, a bit like visiting a zoo really. Paddy suggested adding cages but that seemed a trifle extreme.

    Saturday 23^rd July – is a frontal lobotomy the prime qualification for becoming a traffic warden? A Parking Officer – they’re not traffic wardens in Sleaford, Lincolnshire - had begun to ticket a car owned by a LIVES first responder and only stopped when the responder returned to his car after attending a heart attack victim. It’s to be hoped that this warden doesn’t have a heart attack while at work. He could easily die as a responder searches for a legal parking space! We visualise balloons rather than flowers to mark his passing.

    Sunday 24^th July – John McDonnell, Labour Shadow Chancellor, made a plea for Labour unity on the Andrew Marr show this morning. He did it with a straight face, while his eyes told a different story, clearly an actor that missed his vocation. It reminded me of a tiger eyeing a tasty morsel that is just out of reach. Come closer, we can be friends on my terms or until I feel a pang of hunger. Labour now seems to be split three ways – the loony left, the far left and the leaning in whatever direction might help them to retain their seats. On the same programme, Paddy Ashdown launched a group that will support MP’s of any party provided they have similar beliefs to Paddy and his mates. Has he forgotten how personal needs override principals when individuals are elected to Parliament? He has also forgotten that political parties have leaders and whips to focus minds on where to place votes.   

    How could we cope without government? They now plan to ban Latin abbreviations e.g. etc. in all communications to avoid confusing non-English speakers. This should ensure that foreigners et al avoid confusion. N.B. Foreign denotes born outside the UK. i.e Europe.  Apologies to any of you that don’t know latin abbreviations and que sera, sera to Italians that don’t speak their native mother tongue!    

    Monday 25^th July – just seen the news that the world is forecast to end on Friday. We’re assuming that David Cameron and Mark Carney, Governor of The Bank of England, got early warning of this, hence the apocalyptic messages about Brexit. Maybe they thought ‘remain’ would result in God giving us another chance. So with four days left, stop worrying about the economy. If you have a few decent bottles laid down, pull the corks and let the wine breath. Real disaster is seeing the end close enough to touch with a glass still left in the bottle. On the other hand, End Time Prophecies have got it wrong more than once. They previously forecast the end in May, a collision between earth and an asteroid. June was forecast to be the next end, due to Barrack Obama admitting that he was the Antichrist. Now if ‘The Donald’ admitted to being the antichrist I might start to pull corks!

    Tuesday 26^th July – we thought Pokémon Go was a game for iPhone owners who didn’t respond to the suggestion to ‘get a life’. Now we have seen it in action we realise it is the first skittle game for motorists. As Pokémon players meander the streets focused on their screens, changes of direction sudden and unpredictable, motorists slow as they approach them. The players probably assume that drivers are taking care in case of a sudden step off the pavement. Think again players, the motorist may be lining you up and hoping you spot a Furry Basaur on the other side of the street. Over 70’s could easily top the motorist’s league table!!   

    Friday 15th July - Nicola Sturgeon is at it again – what a surprise. Her suggestion that the ‘Brexiteers’ negotiate a deal that leaves Scotland in the EU was greeted with hoots in the pub. Clearly she needs help and we’re happy to give it. Let’s have another referendum on Scotland but with the English allowed to vote. With our help, given freely, she’d get her wish. Her whining is reminiscent of a clapped out bearing in a washing machine. We try oil – more devolved powers in government speak - but eventually say enough and dump the offending machine. The failing EU is a bit like a badly managed corporation tip so now might be the time to offload Nicola and her mates. Maybe the EU leaders would welcome her with open arms but after her recent visit there we wouldn’t bet on it. The Spanish minister said “testiculos” to her views – a very polite form of bollocks if my translation is correct. Keeping the Scots at home would require some work on Hadrian’s Wall. It is in a poor state of repair but we must have enough Polish builders to knock it into shape. Pro-immigration Nicola could pay for it with her oil revenues – there must be a dribble left. Scottish independence would also free up some seats in parliament.  I like this idea more by the minute. Poor old Nicola – born too late to become a proper Krankie but in prime position for the new series, Mingers! 

    Saturday 16^th July – new Prime Minister Theresa May says we can’t do too much for the brave servicemen who keep us safe and secure when the call comes. A 20-year-old Basingstoke girl seems to have taken it literally. Driven to Bulford Barracks to ‘service’ two soldiers she didn’t call a halt when two became seven. The orgy came to light after she complained about being hit on the thigh with a regimental cane, though she dropped the charges after seeing part of a video of the escapade. The soldier who used the cane has since been promoted for courage above and beyond the call of duty. As seventh man he was allowed to wear a gas mask. Waders may have been more use. We expect to see the young lady in the New Year Honours list for services to the armed forces! We’re unsure what award she will receive or where she will wear it!    

    Sunday 17^th July – where will it end - carnage in France, then an attempted coup in Turkey aimed at challenging the pro-Islamist policies of President Erdogan. The events perhaps stem from the so-called ‘Arab Spring’ and growth of ISIS. It’s too much of a coincidence to ignore. As the repercussions rumble around countries surrounding the Mediterranean, world leaders ring their hands and do little else. The only certainty associated with these events is the death of innocent people. Politicians who applauded the beginning of these insurrections should hang their heads in shame. At least a form of peace existed when these countries were managed with an iron fist by dictators, evil as they certainly were. It might be smart for European leaders to close their eyes and ears as President Erdogan re-establishes his control of Turkey.

    Luckily we still have Donald Trump to bring a smile to our faces. His new running mate, Mike Pence, is fairly openly anti-LBGT and a reaction must be forthcoming. We forecast that Trump face-masks will be best sellers at the next Gay Pride march. The sight of several thousand ‘Donalds’, dressed in pride regalia will be memorable.  

    Monday 18^th July – the rumour that Dermot O’Leary would replace Chris Evans at Top Gear has been smartly put to bed by the rumoured replacement. Good move Dermot. If the Beeb come with an offer now your price just shot up. However big the offer, it won’t be enough. It was hard enough to resurrect the programme before the dismal replacement we have just seen. Fronting it now would be like having a death wish. RIP Top Gear.

    Tuesday 19^th July – after the cataclysmic forecasts about Brexit another bunch of academic experts have produced a doomsday report about climate change. Extreme temperatures, flooding, crop destruction are just a few of their predictions for 30 years time. To look on the bright side, Monty Python like, typical pensioners, we should be able to swim in the sea just a few yards from the house and my lawn, that currently we can see growing as we watch, will be burnt to a frazzle - no more mowing. One of the authors, Professor Richard Bardgett, University of Manchester said 'this report is based on authoritative views of academics and reliable research’. I well remember the Y2K disaster predictions that experts forecast. By definition experts are often people with more data than judgment. On the other hand I get regular calls from Asian gentlemen insisting they are from Microsoft and telling me I have a problem with my computer. I assume they’re experts from Fraud R Us! 

    Friday 8^th July – having been very critical of the time Chilcot has taken to produce his report we have to applaud his findings – no sign of the whitewash many feared. For Tony Blair it hammers the final nail into his legacy. As Blair trundles around the media trying to justify his behaviour on the run up to war, he simply confirms the tenor of the report. His messiah complex has never been clearer. Most people seek heavenly support when on their knees in church but Blair probably believes he is there to offer advice.

    Saturday 9^th July – the petition demanding a second referendum on leaving the EU has hit 4 million. They only need another 13 million to get close to number that voted leave. And it would take some very misguided politicians to take notice of the petition and try to reverse it. They may think all those that voted leave are stupid and uneducated but telling them might just make those MP’s seats in Parliament rather shaky. If you voted remain, suck it up – you lost.

    Sunday 10^th July – The De Prael brewery in Amsterdam have turned the wettest June on record into a business opportunity, launching a brew made from rainwater. Our first thought was something about the strength of ‘maiden’s water’ but the Dutch soon dispelled the thought. The Hemelswater: code blond hits the palate at 5.7% - not for the uninitiated. We can’t wait to try it.

    July has been a good month for bulls. They are leading 3 – 0 (1 dead, 2 injured) on the bull runs in Pamplona as crackpots from around the world join the narrow streets and panicked animals for the annual event. Add a top bullfighter that suffered a role reversal as the bull delivered a fatal blow rather than receiving it. We know the bulls are bred for food but do they need to be abused as well? The mother of the bull that delivered the fatal blow to the matador will now be killed to end that bloodline. Your kids can certainly cause you problems!

    Bookmakers William Hill has slashed the odds of an announcement by the US President or a UK Prime Minister that aliens are visiting the earth. They have reduced the odds from 1000/1 to 25/1. Having just re-run Tony Blair’s tearful reaction to the Chilcot Report and had another look at ET I think I’ll take the odds. Remove the sound from Blair’s attempt to justify his position and repeat “phone home” in a funny voice and you’ll know what I mean.

    Monday 11^th July – have you ever wondered why men in ancient statues have small penises? Art historian, Ellen Oredsson has come up with an answer. Small penises were prized in Ancient Greece, the belief being that they were associated with positive traits like rational, intellectual and authoritative behaviour. So if you’re rather small built, it doesn’t mean that you were at the back of the queue when they were handing them out, just that you were born 2,500 years too late! But I’m still not convinced that your intellect will put a smile on your other half’s face if all you can manage in bed is to quote Plato.

    Riots in Paris after Portugal beat France in the Euro 2016 final. Fortunately England avoided the risk. They took an early bath by losing to one of the world’s top amateur clubs, Iceland!

    Tuesday 12^th July – A 97-year-old and a 95-year-old, who were best friends as teenagers, have just met again as they moved into a residential home at the same time. They will spend many happy hours revisiting the only things they still remember!!

    Katie Price has gone public saying she only has two regrets in her life. We remember seeing them in their inflated prime!

    UK politics may never be the same again. Leaders will soon run out of swords on which to fall. In a few hours we moved from Theresa may to Theresa definitely will and a statement from our PM in waiting that Brexit means Brexit. And didn’t the markets respond positively! What crash? On the other side of the house, the Eagle has finally landed – one of them anyway. We assume the other one is circling and looking for prey. Do eagles eat carrion?  Now the battle starts for Labour and it won’t be about who leads the party. Their battle will be about the wording of the constitution. The wording seems open to misunderstanding so who will have the loudest voice. If the executive can’t keep Corbyn out of the contest the result seems inevitable. Just heard he’s on the ticket – knives anybody?

    Friday 1^st July - students are suggesting that their grief over ‘Brexit’ could cause them to fail their exams. Oddly they are finding time to protest when they could be swatting – no surprise there. As an excuse, their current moans and groans are nowhere near as good as the dog ate my homework. And the protesters will need a good degree to get their optimum job flipping burgers! The smart ones will just shake their heads at the vote and move on. We’re not sure of the optimum age for joining the real world. Perhaps it has got older as the i-phone owning generation got younger. The problem with a referendum is that one side loses and every vote has the same value. If a result can be overturned, democracy is dead. Perhaps these people would prefer to live in a dictatorship. They almost certainly condemn the likes of President Assad while screaming for a democratic vote to be overturned. They must belong to the ‘life ain’t fair’ brigade.

    The odds must be strongly in favour of Theresa May becoming our next Prime Minister. Could she be another Thatcher? I bet Europe hope not – they’re not ready for Merkel v May, handbags at dawn. And heaven help us if their menstrual cycles coincide! The odds on May winning shortened immediately after Michael Gove tossed his hat in the ring. The general opinion seems to be that Gove shafted Boris but there have long been questions about Johnson’s statesmanship. Boris is flavour of the month with a small bunch of MP’s but not with a majority. The chances are that Gove got the message that Boris couldn’t win, hence his standing. As an intellectual, Gove would take what he saw as a logical step and enter the race, unconcerned by any argument about the meaning of friendship. Oscar Wilde summed it up nicely.

            “I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their

            good characters , and my enemies for their good intellects.”

Gove misses out on two but wins hands down on the third!

    Saturday 2^nd July – Wales used to be the land of song and rugby, but they may be switching their national game after last night. After the performance of the England ‘softies’ we’re searching for Welsh ancestry however far back we have to go. Since my family are all from the border country it seems fair to say “dw i eisiau dod adre nawr!”

    A new bone condition has been diagnosed. It’s called ‘selfie elbow’ so the cause is self-explanatory. Several sufferers have been making appointments to see orthopaedic consultants. That speaks volumes for their lack of medical knowledge. They should seeing psychiatrists.

    Sunday 3^rd July – it’s suggested that two transgender athletes who were born male may be allowed to compete for Team GB in the Rio Olympics. The new international Olympic Committee has ruled that the women will be able to compete without gender reassignment surgery provided their testosterone is consistently below a certain level. It takes us back to the days when ‘female’ Russian shot putters needed jog straps. And we can’t wait for World Tennis to take the same route. The sight of Serena Williams made to look like Twiggy by a seven-foot transgender opponent with a six o’clock shadow is worth contemplating.

    Monday 4^th July – it appears that the next big health kick will be donkey’s milk. The Huffington Post has reported that the milk has loads of health benefits, is rich in vitamins and easy to digest. So get used to the idea of donkeys braying in your neighbour’s gardens as health fanatic’s rush to become even healthier. Personally, we’ve always found it difficult to distinguish a donkey from an ass.

    Tuesday 5^th July – another referendum will be held in October. Don’t panic, this one will be in Hungary. The vote will be whether or not to accept mandatory EU quotas for relocating refugees. Hungary has already fenced its border with Serbia to curb the influx, and along with Slovakia launched a court challenge against the EU plan. So what happens if the referendum says ‘no’ and the EU say yes? Wait for another EU fudge!

    Tomorrow finally sees the publication of the Chilcot report. Not that it will offer much to the people of Iraq who haven’t had a genuine day of peace since Saddam was toppled. The report should result in several ‘big names’ holding their heads in shame but it won’t. We fear the use of language in the report will avoid direct criticism leaving wriggle room for the guilty.