Prime Minister Manuel Valls of France has finally spoken the unspeakable. At the World Economic Forum in Davos he said that the future of a unified Europe was under threat from the enormous numbers of migrants flooding to the continent. He warned that the numbers forecast would destabilize European societies. In reality, European culture as we know it could disappear. Perhaps he has begun to listen to the people, unheard of by a politician. The referendum in the UK won’t be about staying or leaving the EU. In reality it will be a vote about immigration. Unless immigration is curbed, the ‘NO’ vote will continue to grow for all the wrong reasons.

    And the lady that triggered the stampede for Europe is coming under even greater pressure from her own allies. Horst Seehofer, leader of the Christian Social Union gave it context during a discussion on immigration. His comment that “chancellors in an advanced stage of their office only believe in themselves,” seemed to ring true for most of Europe’s leaders. He thinks Angela Merkel got it wrong. At the same time, Austrian Interior Minister, Johanna  Mikl-Leitner states that the cap on refugees allowed in is likely to be reached within months. Once the cap is reached (37,500) they would refuse to accept further asylum applications or reject refugees at the border. The time for sticking plaster solutions seems long past.

    The lads were interested to read that some restaurants in China have been prosecuted for using opium poppies as seasoning with the aim of making their food more addictive. You can tell which restaurants are doing it since they only have one dish on the menu! I can’t wait to read their reviews on Trip Advisor. 

    The Home Office announcement about a new language test for immigrants got off to a great start. As their Muslim lady staff member said, her spelling of langauge was close enough for most immigrants.

    Donald Trump gets better. He recently told an enthusiastic audience he could shoot somebody, randomly chosen, and still not lose any voters. He sounds like an ideal person to live in the White House with a finger on the red button. More worrying is the volume of voters who hang on his every word. On reflection, what we are seeing may be the reaction of ordinary folk to the people who run our lives. The current political classes seem further removed from the people than ever before.      

    We were surprised to learn that a 30 second ad at Super Bowl 50 costs around $5,000,000. Even more surprised that producer’s had turned down an advert. Then positively shocked that the ad they refused was from Peta, an animal rights group. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) – where do they get that sort of dough? Then we saw a few shots from the banned ad and decided it should have been run. Junior schools in the UK will shortly be using it in sex education lessons. The message, ten out of ten for visual clarity, suggests that a vegan diet clears clogged up carnivores, delivers improved blood flow and augments sex life.  It gives a new meaning to the old joke – ‘is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me’?  Worth a look on the web.    

    The crime statistics in Sherborne, Dorset, took a worrying turn last week after its first ‘drive by’ attack. The victim was standing outside her shop when she was hit. The yoghurt carton was full and splattered all over her as the miscreants roared away in a convertible with its roof down. Police are extremely concerned since supermarkets have recently introduced two-litre pots of Greek yoghurt.

    Thieves in Turlock, California have stolen $50,000 worth of bull semen. The mother of one of the thieves summed it up beautifully. “He always had sticky fingers as a boy!”

    A new condom machine called Johnny be Good is being introduced that requires more than coins in the slot - it is breathalyzer activated. The potential customer has to blow on a panel that gives an alcohol rating. Too much alcohol on the breath and the machine won’t supply the necessary. So, next time you hear a drunk mumbling about a ‘lousy blow job’, it may not be what you think.

    Bournemouth crematorium has introduced an on line internet link for relatives and friends that cant attend a funeral. You Tube for mourners – wait for the first one that goes viral!

    The EU referendum is taking centre stage as both sides gear up for the vote and for the first time we felt a tremor down at the pub. Committed federalist, Jean-Claude Juncker, says he is confident that the UK will reach a deal. Asked why he thinks this, he replied, “my knowledge is allowing me to tell you that.” The comment is far removed from his previous utterings. As a serious hint that it’s deal done he couldn’t have been clearer, and knowing his position on some of our public concerns (not necessarily the same as our politicians concerns) we wonder if his command of English has let him down. He may have confused deal with stitch up. And now we have the ‘spin kings’ suggesting that Cameron has achieved more than he has made public – rabbits from the hat time. Could we be hearing Cameron deliver a paper over cracks, Chamberlain like ‘peace in our time’ message, in the not too distant future?

    A teacher in Spain has lost his appeal against sacking from the Catholic school where he worked. He had watched porn on his computer while pupils took a 50 -minute exam, not realizing the images were projected onto a large screen behind him. He was dismissed for failure to understand the school’s teaching technology, though the unprotected sex met Catholic ideals!

    New York city has opened its first masturbation booth for stressed out men. It looks a bit like a glassless phone box and contains a chair, a laptop and a curtain to block out viewers. There is no charge for using the quaintly named GuyFi booth. There is no washbasin, so if you see a work colleague emerging from the booth remember not to shake his hand! We’re not aware of any booths in the UK though Newark would be an obvious site for one. And how about a drive through version? Some of the drivers we see on a daily basis carry the appropriate title.

    Sadly my passport isn’t due for renewal for a year or two so I’ll have to wait for the transgender variety where I can put an X instead of male or female. Maria Miller, an MP of course, informs us that 600,000 people are unsure of their gender. I’m not sure where that number comes from but logic suggests I must know one. I shall now keep a watchful eye on all my friends, looking for any hint of them changing sides. More worrying, they may be watching me so I’d best explain. I only turned up as Gerry Hall because it was a fancy dress do and I knew Rupert Murdoch needed a carer.

    If you didn’t know before, the Russian Government just confirmed it. Don’t take liberties with them. Andrei Filin was determined to maintain his position as a Pastafarian. You may remember they came to our attention last year as members of the piss taking Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They wear a colander on their head as their badge of membership. Andrei insisted on his right to wear the colander for his driving licence ID picture and the authorities finally gave approval. But the police struck back. If he gets stopped for any driving offence while not wearing his colander, his licence will be revoked. Touché!

    So-called ‘Blue Monday’ and I don’t feel as bad as I’m supposed to. It’s probably because of a piece I read in the Sunday papers saying that red wine still offers health benefits. Another ‘expert’ will state the opposite tomorrow but right now I’m bathing in the glow of Sunday’s advice. I’ve cancelled the papers for the rest of the week!

    Interesting to see that the pollsters have now decided that their failure to predict a Conservative win in the election was due to unrepresentative polling samples. The obvious question is ‘how and by whom were the samples selected’? Clearly the pollsters need to come up with their excuses as the referendum approaches or they could miss out on the biggest money-spinner for years.   

    Infertile men are now being offered a new form of treatment to stimulate sperm production. It involves a daily electric shock to the testicles. The device to deliver the shocks looks remarkably like a mobile phone and legend suggests it was invented by a group of female scientists. Others suggest that the inventors were interrogation specialists. Fortunately, we have reliable information from Tony Blair et al that British intelligence officers took no part in the testing procedures. RIP Chilcot.

    A friend and regular author has now compiled all the utterings of OLD GITS THAT LUNCH into a single volume on Kindle. He says it produced a 2015 diary of sick minds but what does he know.

      

    Dame Sally Davies, Chief Medical Officer, is beginning to sound like an old style fire and brimstone preacher as she rails against the demon drink.  Her latest fusillade states that just one alcoholic drink a day can put you at risk of serious illnesses later in life. If her new job hadn’t given her access to the media we would expect to see her on a soapbox at Speaker’s Corner. In most respects we’d prefer that since it would give us the option of missing her diatribes. We’re not sure whom she sees as her target audience but the obvious group must be people of the ‘second age’ like us. We drink on a regular basis, one of our simple pleasures. In fact, her new suggestion on safe limits makes me think I blew the whole of January on New Year’s Eve! That said, when we were working we spent lengthy periods each day in traffic jams, soaking up whatever fumes joined us in our cars. And what about our diet? Like most normal people, we eat what we enjoy rather than checking fat content, sugar content or E numbers. We know we live in a ‘granny state’ but give us a break Sally – stop trying to protect us from living our fairly risk free lives.

    Brendan O’Carroll, better known as the Mrs Brown’s Boys star has agreed to foot the bill to bury a homeless Polish man found dead on Christmas Day. “That’s nice” – to borrow a favourite double entendre of Brendan’s.    

    The ‘attacks’ in Cologne have certainly split opinion in Germany, with three disparate groups all demonstrating their beliefs on the same day in the city. Women’s rights activists, far-right demonstrators and left wing counter protesters all took to the streets. They all have their axes to grind but one common factor emerges as the trigger – refugees/immigrants. Not even Germany, the country that needs immigrants to bolster their workforce, can cope with mass immigration. Interestingly, the German police couldn’t cope with the disturbances on New Year’s Eve but they made very sure on Saturday, even resorting to the use of water canon on their own people. The flow has eased due to winter weather but spring isn’t far away. And as borders are closed around Europe, pity the Greeks and Turks who don’t have the facility to close the doors while a solution is sought.

    Virtual reality porn has been unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show. We have visions of the Harry met Sally scene becoming routine fare on buses and trains as people travel to work wearing goggles instead of reading a book. Taking your urges in hand will soon have a whole new meaning.

    Sir Philip Dilley, Chairman of the Environment Agency, grudgingly admitted he should have come home from Barbados a couple of days earlier as Cumbria disappeared under water. Perhaps a better question would have been to explore the skill set he has that makes him worth £100K/annum for a three-day week. Clearly, objectivity isn’t one of them. Even as I type, he’s quit. What a shame – the Old Gits can’t claim any credit for the successful conclusion! This is a good first step and leaves an important question. Does he need to be replaced? What did this part timer deliver to the Agency that was worth the large salary he received? The Chief Executive should be able to make strategic input while monitoring front line manager’s operational actions. If he can’t, they have the wrong man in that job as well.  We can only hope that the Conservative Minister in Post doesn’t have another crony that he wants to reward with large amounts of taxpayer’s money for little in the way of return.

    Snakes aren’t our favourite reptiles so stealing one would never enter our minds. A thief in Portland, Oregon, had a different view in every sense. He stole it from a pet shop by lifting it from its container and stuffing it down his trousers. Knowing the reptile’s preference for small live mammals we made the assumption that the thief had been well to the rear of the queue when male tackle was being handed out. Not being big enough to tempt a python to take a bite will result him being nicknamed ‘Crazy Tiny’ for the rest of his life.

    We’re sad at the passing of Bowie, a unique talent throughout his life, but also because he reminds us of our own mortality. His ability to reinvent himself and his music set him apart, a star that shone more brightly than others who carry that title. But we don’t understand the mass hysteria that results in flower filled shrines everywhere he rested his head. Shades of Diana, where it began.

    We start the year on a sad note. Jez shook off the mortal coil just before Christmas. We raised a glass to him, sure that he’ll improve whatever team he has now joined. He’ll hold up his corner in debates, throw in curved balls that are unanswerable and produce showstoppers whenever relationships become the topic. RIP mate.

    At such an early stage in the year we put on our thinking caps to produce our version of Old Moore’s Almanac. Here are our forecasts for 2016.

1. Sir John Chilcot’s report is published. Some parties who face criticism   

    in the report try to use ‘Maxwellisation’ to hold it up further, finally                      

                insisting they were not given time to respond fully. The complaints  

    come from the usual suspects that surround Tony Blair.   

2. UK debt continues to rise as the chancellor uses smoke and mirrors    

                to hide the reality. Most of the rise comes from benefits and spend on

                the NHS. New arrivals to the UK continue to receive benefits and the

    NHS continues to treat health tourists free of charge.

3.  Political correctness thrives as Twitter replaces genuine discussion.  

                 Public debates become a thing of the past as potential topics are ruled     

                 out as a threat to the Twitter version of free speech.         

                

4.  Sexual education is introduced for pensioners who have problems

     remembering sex. They are taught by 5 year-olds using the    

     picture books they learn from at infant school. If the pensioner then

     passes a simple test, the  child who taught them will receive a GCSE to    

                 carry forward.

5.  Janet and John children’s books are replaced by the Martha and Peter   

     series.  Martha, who used to be Arthur and Peter, who used to be Rita,

     take their readers step by step through their transition. The publishers

     make it clear that children should not try this at home.

            6.  Greece continues to borrow from the EU, each loan being used to pay

                 their previous debt to the EU. The Eurozone trumpets this a success.

            7.  Immigration continues to rise until serious cracks around the Kent

                 border suggest an imminent fracture. Water fills the crack as it widens   

                 and the county demands independence.

            8.  The first transgender woman takes part in Strictly. She ends her jive with

a flying splits that receives wild applause from the audience. Len   

Goodman awards her a seven after firemen unstick her from the dance

                 floor. Bruno Tonioli describes her landing as similar to pasta dropped from

     a great height. Darcey Bussell gives a ten to the firemen. Craig Revel    

     Horwood is admitted to hospital with stress.

            9.  An app is introduced that allows Waitrose customers to use their mobile  

phones to identify Lidl and Aldi users in their immediate vicinity. Any    

discussion of price and quality between the groups results in a syndrome  

that doctors have labeled FSS - Falsely Superior Stress. There is no

known treatment.

10. Vladimir Putin’s forces drive ISIS from Syria and keep Assad in power.

      The West insists that Assad must leave. Putin says he will consider this.

      

    A new year but nothing much changes. We shall review our forecasts as the year progresses.