Thursday 25^th August – when Nigel Farage returned to Brussels after Brexit his objective was predictable. His visit was to raise two fingers to the EU in general, a double handful for Jean-Claude Juncker. We thought at the time it was ‘job done’ but Nigel had one more score to settle. Obama came to the UK to support ‘remain’ during the Brexit campaign. His threat that the UK would be at the back of the queue for trade deals went down like a concrete parachute. If nothing else, it gave Nigel another windmill to tilt at, hence his appearance at Donald Trump’s convention. In the absence of Obama he took aim at Hilary Clinton. Nigel now suggests that Trump could be a second Reagan. We can’t wait to see ‘The Donald’ astride a horse in a cowboy hat – probably riding into the sunset! On second thoughts Trump is a bit of a cowboy anyway. However, when it comes to bearing a grudge, our Nigel takes some beating. We’ll miss him if this was his final joust.

    Friday 26^th August – A Jain religious leader set an interesting trend by addressing the Hayana Assembly in India in the nude. His 40-minute talk was heard in rapt silence, only his arms being waved about as far as we could see. He spoke about gender equality, saying, ‘we are living in the 21^st Century, but today, when boys and girls are differentiated, I feel we are living in the 14^th Century.’ Even at my age I hope the differentiation continues. It raised an interesting thought. Perhaps Prime Ministers Questions in the nude would change our views of our politicians. We regularly use anatomical words to describe them and nude PMQ’s would show us if our word selection had validity. If nothing else we’d know their natural hair colour!

    Saturday 27^th August – a 20-year old got arrested for being drunk and disorderly in Worcester. As half the students in the land have done, the youngster was wearing a traffic cone on his head, taking selfies. The police lost patience with him and gave him a bed for the night. Enough surely, but no, he got taken to court and charged. He now has a conviction to his name. Surely a night in the cells and a fixed penalty notice would have been enough. When we see some of the offences that result in cautions and suspended sentences we despair of the law and some of those who enforce it.

    Sunday 28^th August – as excuses go this one takes some beating. Tracy Briley was seen by passers-by performing oral sex on a woman who passed out on a beach boardwalk in Florida. Tracy said he thought it was his duty to help the unconscious woman, claiming he was an emergency responder. Perhaps his CPR training was inadequate and he thought you could blow down the nearest orifice. The victim has recovered in hospital and it is rumoured that she wants to meet Briley before pressing charges!   

    Monday 29^th August – if Richard Branson almost kills himself by falling off his bike would you really want to join him on a space flight??

    Great media pictures of Burkini clad paddlers on Brighton beach. It looks like a nun’s convention. An interesting dilemma springs to mind. Would I be allowed to wear jeans and a tee shirt in my local swimming pool? Or would there be concerns about my clothes polluting the water?

    A poll to find the most hilarious city in the UK has come up with the answer – Birmingham. As a former resident I agree that you need a sense of humour to live there!

    Tuesday 30^th August - France’s Calais ‘Jungle Camp’ has become a political football again. Sarcozy, who will run for office again next year, wants the camp moved to England. His conservative rival, Alain Juppe, has called for the Touquet Accord to be renegotiated. Accepting that politicians choose issues that chime with the people they have a point. The ‘Jungle’ should be disbanded. France is a safe country so all those in the ‘Jungle’ could claim asylum. Since they have failed to do so, they should be returned to their own countries. Asylum is generally defined as shelter or refuge, both applicable to France. Clearly those who have congregated in Calais are by definition, not seeking asylum. The threat of repatriation, carried out if necessary, would quickly empty the ‘Jungle’ and end the on going battle with people smugglers. Unfortunately that sort of action demands political will, not generally associated with politicians.

    Notting Hill Carnival – Europe’s biggest street festival! A fun family occasion!!

6 stabbed; 440 arrested; 88 knife-related incidents; 1000+ people treated by St John Ambulance staff; 17 attacks on police; £6 mill cost of policing; windows boarded by larger stores.

     Do we really need this sort of fun?

    Sunday 21^st August – just back from an interesting cruise around Iceland. It is a fascinating country in their summer but still cold, and winter is hard to imagine. The highlight was Isafjördur. The town is about 30 miles down a narrow fjord with whales a plenty around the entrance. As we left the town to return to the open sea the whales were heading back in towards the town. The surprise was seeing them swimming line astern, about 60 yards apart, down what seemed a well defined track. If there is such a thing as a whale motorway we saw it. Great sight.

    Pundits spend a great deal of time assessing the legacy of every Olympic Game but Rio already has their answer. The Games are barely over but have already spawned a naked version on Abrico Beach. A group of naturists have gone back to basics in a tribute to the ancient Greeks. Well oiled, the participants only compete in sports that may have been typical of the time. The women’s high jump was called off after the first three ladies cleared the bar. A man taking notes was thought to be a local reporter but turned to be a gynaecologist!

    Monday 22^nd August – love it or hate it but Mrs Brown’s Boys has been voted the Best British Sitcom of the 21^st Century and this in a face off with the likes of The Office, Gavin & Stacey and Peter Kay’s Car Share. The show was mauled on a regular basis by critics, which showed how in touch they are with viewing audiences. As Brendan O’Carroll might have said, “who’d have feckin’ thought it?”

    Justice Secretary Liz Truss insists that the Tory manifesto pledge to replace the Human Rights Act with a British Bill of Rights will be delivered. The announcement was partly drowned out by the screams of lawyers concerned about their access to the bottomless Legal Aid Budget. We’ll believe it when we see it Liz.

    Birmingham Council has been quick to act over an extension to a semi-detached house that they deem out of character in Quinton. They have given the owners 28 days to demolish it. Isn’t power wonderful? An illegal traveller site close to where we live took almost three years to remove. It sat in the 'too hard box'. Maybe the owners of the house in Quinton should offer a room to an illegal immigrant who has applied for asylum. That would put the case on a whole new footing with the house falling down before it got resolved.

    Tuesday 23^rd August – a number of countries in Europe have seen growing sales of guns and self-defence devices in the last year. Applications for gun permits are climbing in Switzerland, Austria and the Czech Republic. The trend for lethal weapons hasn’t followed in Germany as they are hard to get, though permits for carrying so called ‘scare off’ devices like blank guns and pepper sprays have soared by 50%. Is it the result of the flood of immigrants and the attacks in France and Germany? It seems too coincidental not to see a link. Either way, the increase in weaponry has serious implications. More guns on the streets have inevitable consequences.  What will it take to get some action from the European Commission?

    Wednesday 24^th August – we thought Labour were about as electable as Donald Trump under the leadership of Jeremy Corbyn. Almost any alternative leader would be an improvement. Then along came Owen Smith. His latest utterings about a second referendum on Brexit are beyond belief. It appears that 17 million plus people got it wrong because they didn’t know what they were voting for. Smith must be a disciple of W.E.Hickson, he of the ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again’. Since he appears to like the approach we suggest a rerun of the vote to elect a challenger to Jeremy Corbyn. We’re not at all convinced that Labour MP’s that rejected Angela Eagle understood what they were getting when they elected Smith. Democracy, what democracy?

    A teacher in Texas has stopped giving homework to students so they can spend more time with their families. Maybe it’s different in the USA. In the UK it would simply mean more time on Facebook and You Tube. And family time is already on the increase since kids can’t afford to leave home.

    Thursday 4^th August – ‘Gingers Do Have Souls’ You Tube star Michael Kittrell has re-emerged after several months with another video that is expected to go viral, this time to come out as transgender. Now calling herself Claire she says this is the hardest video she’s ever made. We found this surprising. Accepting you’re a ginger can’t be topped!

    Selfridges has opened for Christmas! Their ‘Shine On’ winter wonderland takes up a large part of the fourth floor. With only 145 shopping days until Christmas it seems the obvious time to do this. They say that the launch is mainly due to the enormous demand from foreign tourists who like snap up festive souvenirs. Their first Easter Eggs will be available in November but check the sell by dates.

    Friday 5^th August - a Black Lives Matter campaign obstructed a key entry road to Heathrow this morning.  Protesters lay in the road and stretched a banner across to block it. The campaign has spread from the US following the shootings of black citizens. While being sympathetic, not our problem seems a reasonable response since the shootings didn’t happen here. Yet the protesters chose to cause chaos for people travelling to holidays during the busiest time of our year. Clearly other lives don’t matter to the protesters. We see it as a similar reaction to the rent a mob crowds that hit the streets given any hint of a reason. Any sympathy we might have for the campaign will disappear pdq if this sort of protest spreads. And irate travellers who get a couple of weeks holiday each year and find day one being ruined might decide to make a physical point. Who could blame them?

    Saturday 6^th August – the first team of refugee athletes received a standing ovation at the opening of the Olympics in Rio. The team of ten can be supplemented by any other runners that arrive on the beaches or in the backs of lorries.

    Offstead chairman David Hoare will probably avoid The Isle of Wight when planning his holidays. His comments about it containing ghettos and suffering inbreeding haven’t gone down well. As a consultant with Bain he must be used to making judgments based on analysis. We dread to think what will come out if he visits Norfolk!

     Asda have introduced new signs for their disabled toilets. They show men, women and wheelchairs with wording underneath that says ‘not every disability is visible’. It should avoid the occasional confrontation when someone comes out without any obvious disability. ‘I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours’ should become a thing of the past. Hopefully so anyway, since I’ve barely recovered from hearing a gentleman offer to reveal his colostomy bag.

   Sunday 7^th August – the weather forecast has encouraged me to take a few days off, hence the early post. But like General Douglas MacArthur said about the Philippines, ‘I shall return’.

    Friday 29^th July – just heard Jamie Oliver promoting his new book on radio. Is this the same Jamie Oliver that threatened to leave the UK if we voted Brexit? Go promote your book in Brussels Jamie.

    Only an Australian could come up with the idea of a Bourbon Burgel. Think of a well-stacked burger with a circular hole in the top bun – burger meets bagel – get it? Then insert a decent shot glass of Bourbon in the hole. There you have it. We’re not sure if you measure the potential body damage in calories or units. The idea has to spread with the Scots next to have a go. Their Hagmar will replace the beef patty with haggis and the Bourbon with a deep fried mars bar. It would soon replace pie and beans as the delicacy of choice in Scotland. Krankie Sturgeon would immediately demand legislation from Brussels to protect the Hagmar from copies. Understandable since the French economy is, to use financial technical terms, in shit order and they may try modify their Nagburgers to grab market share.

    Saturday 30^th July – Stephen Hawking is making Cameron’s apocalyptic threats about Brexit pale into insignificance. Without co-operation, collaboration and sharing of wealth we could be moving towards the end of our species he suggests. Self interest rules I’m afraid, Stephen.

    If you’re waiting for the second coming you’ve missed the boat. Jesus Christ is alive and well, living in Burnley. He used to be known as John Birtwhistle but the name didn’t give credence to the bus-driving healer, so he changed it by deed poll. Having accepted his role as the Son of God he fears a second crucifixion since it would worsen his shingles. He now plans to become the next MP for Burnley. His manifesto includes free bus passes for anyone over 60. We assume he’s based that policy on Corinthians 9:15. We’re hoping he attempts the feeding of the 5000 at a home match at Burnley football ground. That will actually involve two miracles. The first will be the ability of Hollands Pies (hollandspies.co.uk) to produce five thousand of their great steak pies in a single day and the second will be getting that many spectators for a home match at Burnley.

    Sunday 31^st July – Pope Francis has set up a commission to study the potential for women to become deacons of the Roman Catholic Church. Deacons are one rank below priests and can officiate at weddings, preach, preside over funerals but not celebrate mass. They are not forced to practice celibacy unless they plan to become priests. Perhaps a first step of women becoming deacons may lead to them becoming priests. And the big step? Celibacy has been a major cross to bear for the church, plagued by sexual imprudence of every shade. Perhaps Pope Francis will prove to be the leader who takes them into the 21^st Century.

    Monday 1^st August – Joshua Hare was found naked in a car park near Homebase in Swindon. Hiding his drugs was at a premium but lack of clothes a serious issue. Undeterred he tried to hide 7 grams of cocaine under his foreskin! Hare, Big Josh to close friends, was thought to be on his way to Homebase to buy materials to build a truss!

    Tuesday 2^nd August – there have been numerous concerns raised about the quality of water around Rio de Janeiro as the Olympics are about to start. Now an analysis of government data and testing suggests that Rio’s air is far from perfect, particulate matter from exhaust fumes the major culprit. Japanese tourists wear face masks around cities during normal times so it will be interesting to watch their athletes in Rio.

    It had to happen. A Pikachu statue appeared overnight in New Orleans. Authorities will probably remove it but stand by for the flood of other statues. At least New Orleans can claim a first.