It was interesting to see the arrests made as a result of the Hatton Garden robbery.  Most of the gang is either retired or should be contemplating it by the way they limped into court. And the shouts of “speak up, we can’t hear you” as they were charged, made it seem like a television comedy. The blag seemed more like a pensioners weekend away rather than a major crime. But never forget these old guys abseiled down a lift shaft. I hope they were being sponsored! Hopefully they can get hip replacements while serving at Her Majesty’s pleasure.  Video of the way the job was carried out must have given the police clues.  The construction skills the crooks used to gain entry showed real artesan skills, the old fashioned apprenticeship type, not the sort you get from under 50’s. The robbery took an entire weekend suggesting an error in their planning. The elderly gang members could easily have forgotten why they were there. Sadly the gang won’t be around for many years if you’re thinking of adding an extension.  You can be sure they would have done a first class job, even if they burgled all your immediate neighbours while they were doing it!  It’s a shame they didn’t go into banking.  With their ingenuity they could have ripped off millions with no threat of prison.

    After a series of incidents involving forgotten weapons, training is being introduced to teach armed US Capitol officers in Washington DC to use public toilets without leaving their guns behind. All of us know the relief of finding and using a public toilet when you get taken short, but leaving your gun behind suggests euphoria rather than relief.  One of our lads once left his underpants and shirt in the ladies, but that’s a different story. The length of the training sessions hasn’t been released. Will it be a one-day training course or could it take longer?  We assume it will include role -playing with CCTV analysis, guaranteed to go viral if ‘leaked’ to the web. (Sorry) An obvious issue will arise if the officer receiving training doesn’t need to go to the toilet.  To ensure reality, laxatives will have to be issued at the start of every course.  And if they remember their weapons, what might they forget?  We have visions of officers leaving the toilet, ‘weapon in hand’ so to speak (sorry again) but dress misplaced.  And heaven forbid they forget to use the paper while searching for their guns.               

    What a test match?  Cook 100 and plenty, Stokes 101, the fastest ever at Lords, as England fought to a win.  We were reminiscing in the pub.  Does anyone remember a bloke called Pietersen who used to score a few for England?  We seem to recall a few voices calling for his reselection, but compared to these youngsters he doesn’t have a lot to offer.  And he needed to score bundles to make up for his stodgy fielding! The loudest voice shouting for Pietersen was a chap who used to edit The Mirror, Piers something.  All the telephone hacking by Mirror reporters must be a hell of a surprise to him. These egos come and go don’t they.

    We thought the world had gone crazy when the police went mob handed to shoot a cow that strayed in Wallsend, Northumbria. An eyewitness said the cow was unarmed. Locals decided to outdo the police nonsense by holding a candlelit vigil for the deceased cow. I said last week that however cynical you become, it’s hard to keep up.  A very beautiful blue tit committed suicide by flying into my conservatory window yesterday. The vigil is planned for next weekend. Please bring your own candles.  If you can’t make the vigil, just click on the respect page on Facebook.  All attendees at the vigil will receive counseling from a resident psychologist plus a free attempt to shoot one of the grey squirrels that are plaguing the garden. Prizes will be awarded for multiple squirrel kills! The first prize is an opportunity to spend a day fox hunting, drag of course.

    The cyclist who knocked down a toddler while cycling on the pavement is complaining that his life has been destroyed by the negative publicity.  If the incident hadn’t been captured on camera he would have ridden away without a second thought.  The 23 year-old had been cycling on the pavement because of heavy traffic.  Obviously worried about inconsiderate motorists!  What a shame he didn’t hit a bloke.  He could have continued his journey wearing his bike.

      

    In the distant days when we worked, recruitment was a regular part of our jobs.  One lesson we learned very quickly was not to slag off your previous employer when being interviewed for a new job.  As a recruiter, moans and groans about the previous employer simply opened your eyes to the potential for similar behaviour in a new job.  The aftermath of the election and the Kevin Pietersen saga certainly reinforce it.  Being told you’re not wanted for a job anymore is traumatic, but sounding off about perceived unfairness in your previous role won’t get potential employers beating a path to your door.  Pietersen is an immense talent – no argument, but with it comes self-interest, and based on his book, a poor view of what he perceives as lesser mortals, even when they are teammates.  Sounding off about previous colleagues generally comes back to bite you. International cricket is vital to KP at what must be the back end of his career, but previous events make that unlikely, if not impossible.  We shall watch his performances at Surrey with some interest, assuming of course that he plays a few games.

    Politicians fall into the same trap.  Andy Burnham has undergone a Road to Damascus moment as he bids for leadership of the Labour Party.  Suddenly he has become aware of mistakes they made when last in government.  It appears they did spend too much, should back a referendum on Europe, accept that immigration is an issue and bury the mansion tax. Oddly, he never spotted these problems before, but as an opportunity occurs his mind opens. We believe you Andy. Woops, there go those flying pigs again. Perhaps we become more cynical as age exposes us to more events, but however cynical we become it’s never enough to keep up! 

    The World Wildlife Fund says that one in four people still believe the Dodo exists.  Clearly it’s time to stop organizing tours of the House of Lords!

    The Institute of Advanced Motorists has called for more help for over 70’s to decide whether or not to keep driving.  I wonder who the IAM believe should give that help and what they would like to charge!  Whilst quoting the increase in the number of over 70’s that are driving, there was no data from the insurance companies.  How about a comparison of the percentage of accidents versus the percentage population of over 70’s?  That has to be a genuine comparison.  Then the AIM can target those who really need help.

    Clarkson keeps getting in the news even though Top Gear is on hold.  Argentinian prosecutors are appealing to overturn the judge’s refusal to try JC and his mates over the Porsche number plate swap.  The team will be laughing all the way to the bank.  Every attempt raises their profile and puts another zero on their salary when their new show kicks off.  We had a great idea in the pub.  By using Google’s driverless cars, the lads could compete anywhere in the world from the safety of Clarkson’s kitchen, using drone technology.  The cars would all be equal in performance and it would be great to see how Clarkson manipulated the results to stay a winner.  Drone technology would be essential since the size of the cars would mean only Hammond could actually get in one.  And how would May make it slower?  Come on lads, when are you making the comeback!

    A restaurant in Shandong, China is offering discounts for women based on the length of their skirts – the shorter the skirt, the bigger the discount.  This women only offer won’t catch on in the UK due to discrimination laws.  The courts wouldn’t be able to cope with the number of cases that would instantly be raised by the plethora of genders we now define.  And that is before Scots in kilts began arriving at the restaurant in droves.  We’re sure the SNP would take up their case.

    Went in a pub the other day and smoker’s corner outside was so busy that we could smell the smoke that drifted in every time the door opened.  It reminded me of a comment from Ross Parker that having smoking and non-smoking sections in the same room is like having urinating and non-urinating sections in a swimming pool.  He’d obviously never taken part in water aerobics for the elderly.

    Back from a relaxing holiday on a cruise ship, average age 74.6 years!  We're never sure why they make that information public but it did raise a question in our minds.  Why were tap dancing and boot camp two of the classes on offer?  We finally assumed that the on board doctor had done a deal whereby he shared his commission with various undertakers at ports of call.  In the event, neither party made a fortune by the lack of ‘black bag jobs’ in ports.  Counting them off is a spectator sport on cruise ships. Not that age stops passengers taking risks.  One lady told me she had left her vest off by the time we reached Dubrovnik. She didn’t mention if she always did that in Croatia.  As chat up lines go, it was different, but did little for my ego. I must look older and more decrepit than I thought!

    I suppose the election caused a stir on the ship, though most passengers didn’t have a high opinion of politicians in general by the comments we heard.  The result made nonsense of the polls and we’re still waiting to hear the reasons they were so far adrift of the result.  Their excuses might be more fun than the election itself.  A couple of bloggers promised to run naked through Westminster if their predictions were incorrect.  I suppose that might be viewed as a bigger cock up than their predictions, depending on their proportions, probably overstated.

    We suppose the positive is having a government, rather than a mix and match coalition where the tough decisions get left in the ‘too difficult’ box.  The only issue for Cameron will be putting his money where his mouth has been.  The flood of promises made pre-election would need more borrowing than currently practiced by the Greeks.    

    The flood of leadership resignations was inevitable, Miliband and Clegg leaving to tearful applause from followers, the knives not drawn until the following day.  At least Clegg didn’t have a brother to dispatch a carefully worded jibe from a distance!  Never mind Ed, just hope that your mum can get a grip on David or future family lunches could get a bit fraught. And then there was the tombstone!  Whoever sold that idea to Ed has a great future as a salesman – fridges to Eskimos springs to mind.  But as resignations go, Nigel’s will take some beating.  Gone today, back tomorrow.  Miliband and Clegg must be green with envy.  That said, UKIP began self- harming within days.    

    One other piece that caught our attention was about a woman in Swindon making smoothies from raw human placentas. Local magistrates have used an emergency order to close down her business until she can prove her product to be safe.  We’re not sure what the placenta smoothies deliver to the recipient but at £25 a pop it sounds an interesting business.  This lady also produces umbilical cord keepsakes.  It seems like a natural step to consider other post-operative body parts for alternative uses. Loom bands became a worldwide phenomenon so there must be some potential for a keepsake in the remains of a carefully completed circumcision.  At least it might ease the pain.

    The news item that a glass of red wine can help you to lose weight gave us a great lift.  Based on the report, we’ve worked incredibly hard on our weight reduction throughout the holiday and will test it on the scales in a day or two.  Some research seems so logical!  I’m now keeping a scrapbook on the health benefits of wine.  I shall take it with me every time I have to visit the doctor since he never fails to ask me the “how many units” question.

    The other talking point on the ship seemed to be the Kevin Pietersen saga.  He has an amazing ability to split opinion straight down the middle.  Views were clear from anyone who voiced an opinion.  In or permanently out were the only thoughts we heard.  His talent is unquestionable and he is probably unfortunate in that he picked a team sport rather than an individual pursuit.  His real forte would be politics.  He could join a team where handshakes and smiles were simply cover for backbiting and self-interest.  And there is no shortage of leadership opportunities.