Five of our oldgits held senior corporate roles in the past, three of us leaving them to start our own businesses.  We can barely pick up a newspaper or turn on television without a cabinet member from one of the major parties telling us what business should do to thrive.  Maybe its just age but we are all suffering from a syndrome that doctors haven’t yet named.  The symptoms are unchanging.  They consist of increased blood pressure that results in us shouting words like ‘pillock’ at the television when these ‘political business gurus’ hold forth, changing rapidly to much stronger language if we don’t switch channels.  Most of these business gems come from individuals who have never held a serious job in their narrow lives.  I doubt any of them has the capability to start a company and grow it successfully to generate jobs, but still they spout their next big idea.  Why don’t they stick to what they know, wildly dispensing our hard earned taxes in support of political agendas, instead of for the benefit of the electorate.

    Any accidental death is sad but occasionally you can’t contain a smile when you are far removed from the unfortunate victim.  A woman in St Joseph, Michigan had the misfortune to shoot herself in the head with her .22 calibre pistol as she adjusted her bra holster.  Yes, you did read it right.  The holster was in her bra.  It sounds a pretty unlikely place to keep a gun but gives a whole new meaning to the Special Services mantra of ‘two in the chest and one in the head’.  Ever sensitive, Jez is checking on-line to see if he can buy two of the bras for his ex-wives.  The one I knew well had sufficient build to keep a .50 calibre well hidden in the chosen spot.

    As the election approaches Ed Miliband has called up John Prescott as his spokesman on climate change.  I’m sure we can expect more attempts to strangle the English language as the old blusterer gets up to speed.  An obvious concern to those concerned for the climate will be the hot air Prescott expels.  He should be forced to plant a small forest prior to any speech he makes!

    The ceasefire in Ukraine seems to be in name only as separatists seek to extend the areas they control.  Russian arms and armour continue to cross the border, as Putin denies that it is happening, pointless in the face of satellite imagery.  At least the Russian leader seems to have a clear strategy, unlike the West.  America threatens to arm the Ukranians but doesn’t want to provoke Russia.  It must be clear that any attempt by the US to deliver arms, probably via NATO, would guarantee a major conflict.  Equally clear that the Russians would increase their supplies to the separatists, logistically simple for them.  UK aid is in the form of outdated military transport, a bit like a house clearance really.  Germany and France keep their counsel, supporting sanctions as a last resort, and the southern European countries would like sanctions lifted.  So we see absolute clarity and determination from Putin, mixed messages from the West.  If we compared it to a soccer match I’d score it,

Russia 2 The West 0

at half time.

    Two more senior politicians sucked in by a TV scam.  Is it any surprise? They succumbed to the pound signs, neither the first nor probably the last of those elected to represent us who have shown their naivety.  At least Jack Straw is standing down in May and won’t be forced to do so.  Even so, his comments about a fellow MP caught in a similar scam in 2010, does little for his credibility.  The parents lament to children of ‘Do as I say not as I do’ springs to mind. Sir Malcolm Rifkind planned to stand in May but has quickly reversed his decision. Jumped or pushed – we’ll never know.  Maybe it’s because £60K a year doesn’t count as a salary for a part time job!  

    David Tredinnick, Tory MP for Bosworth in Leicestershire is priceless.  We could dedicate every blog to him.  His latest comment to the Astrological Journal, that scientists opposed to the idea that movement of celestial bodies don’t affect people’s lives on Earth are superstitious and ignorant.  He is convinced that homeopathy and astrology have a role to play in healthcare.  Maybe these scientists are looking for proof rather than apocryphal stories David.  Perhaps the new moon on February 18^th caused your brain to link with Uranus, from whence came your words.

    The historic child abuse enquiry has finally got a judge to head it.  New Zealand judge, Lowell Goddard, sounds like a straight talker, exactly what is needed to take on the so-called Establishment.  Let’s hope she also applies common sense.  Her comment that child abusers of 1945 should be treated the same as those of 2015 may be valid, but proof beyond reasonable doubt would require mind readers.  There is no doubt that there were victims but memories that old get confused. The thought of witnesses and accused being wheeled (in a real sense) into court would make a mockery of the enquiry.  Going back to the Seventies will be difficult enough, hard evidence probably destroyed if the Establishment was involved.  We can only hope that Lowell finds factual material and produces a well-documented report in the shortest time possible; better still if clearly evidenced prosecutions occur.  The way to stop all bar the most hardened paedophiles is to show them the force of the law.           

    No wonder the French economy is in shreds.  Baker Stephane Cazenave makes excellent bread in Saint-Paul-Les-Dax and he wants to do it seven days a week.  No chance in France.  The law insists he shuts up shop on one day each week.  The head of the national bakers’ confederation says that making bakers close for one day each week encourages competition by making customers buy elsewhere on that day.  Competition in France must be defined as give the less effective producers a share of the cake, excuse the pun.  Anti-business regulation is alive and well in France, the kiss of death to budding entrepreneurs.  Take note Mr Miliband!  Stephane should consider a move to England where we would happily queue for his award winning baguettes.

    The principle underpinning Fifty Shades of Grey seems to have been misunderstood in Glasgow.  Three women were arrested during the filmed version for attacking a man in the cinema.  The management of the cinema was quick to point out that a wine bottle was not used during the attack.  We can only guess at the use the women might have planned for the ‘unused’ bottle.  Attempting to access the mindset of author E.L.James we came up with two ways the ladies concerned might have used the bottle on their male victim.  Removal would have required medical intervention in both cases!

    Stephen Fry has announced he is taking a holiday from Twitter.  Perhaps there is a God after all!     

    Another US study in the Journal of Geriatric Physical Therapy will inevitably lead to more OldGits trials in the pub.  The ability to stand on one leg is now said to offer an insight to your health.  The previous trial we carried out gave tests for a younger age group and we didn’t do too well, but this time us oldies are included.  The standing on one leg with eyes closed will once again be the acid test.  Jez only has one good eye and insists he should have to stand with eyes open for half the recommended time.  We’ve disregarded his view as normal.  We think the eyes shut on one leg will be the problem, even though three seconds is the target time.  Adrian might manage it.  He’s taller than the rest of the group and it should take three seconds before he hits the floor.  I wonder who funds these rather strange bits of research?  The cost of treating injuries when people like us try the tests could surely be saved if the researchers did something more useful.

    The sickening murders by IS in Libya have drawn horrified comment from around the world and retribution in the form of air strikes by Egypt.  How quickly Cameron and Sarcozy, cheerleaders for the Arab Spring, seem to have forgotten their ‘victory parade’ in Tripoli shortly after the overthrow of Gaddafi.  Did Iraq teach them nothing?  Dictators like Saddam Hussain and Muammar Gaddafi treat their people appallingly.  But we have to ask the question – is either country more democratic and stable now?  We need alternatives to war or revolution to deal with them. 

         Ask yourself whether the person to whom you are about to listen is but a

         brilliant orator, valiant in words but inexperienced.

                                                                                    Machiavelli

His statement applies to so many of our current leaders.

    As fighting escalates in Ukraine, the EU leadership (Merkel And Hollande making their position clear) paid a flying visit to Moscow in an attempt to broker a ceasefire.  Their discussion remains under wraps.  Two points emerge.  The first, that Cameron wasn’t perceived as having anything to offer, the second, that it was immediately followed by a tough speech from Putin about attempts by the west to sideline Russia.  The Russian leader seems determined to walk the tightrope, continuing to deny that he is supplying equipment and support troops to the separatists, to disbelief from the rest of the world.   Obama and Cameron have hinted at the supply of weapons to the Ukrainian forces, a suggestion that can only make Putin dig his heels in further.  The supply of weapons to the Ukrainian army would be like fighting a war by proxy, both sides supplying the means, while watching from a safe distance – safe at present that is.   We almost have precedent for that.  The US supplied mujahidin in Afghanistan when the Russians were fighting them and what goes around comes around.  When the Brits and Americans attempted to remove the Taliban from Afghanistan, they faced many of the weapons they’d supplied.  It’s time for substantive talks before Ukraine drifts into full-scale war.   

    It didn’t take long.  About 1000 hard line Muslims demonstrated against cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed in London at the weekend.  We have no problem with that, supporting freedom of expression.  Sadly, the demonstrators showed no similar belief, waving banners that stated, Absolute Freedom of Speech- no such thing.  You can’t have it both ways!    

    Labour MP, Stella Creasey, has dropped a brick with her comment about Lego being old fashioned.  Most of us have built copies of every object under the sun as we’ve played with children and grandchildren.  In fact, we can’t remember any toy that has kept our youngsters interested and involved for longer periods.  It’s not just the economy that Labour is out of touch with!

    Fads move through time like sine waves, new disciples swearing by the latest guru’s utterings.  We’re interested to see juicing resurfacing as the panacea for a healthy body.  It must be almost twenty years since it last peaked.  Lakeland report a 4,000 per cent rise in juicer sales in 2014, so converts must be everywhere.  Abraham Lincoln springs to mind – you can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.  If social media had been around in Abe’s time he may well have modified his thought inducing comment.  The juicing guru of gurus, Jason Gale is self-taught, what a surprise, but has sold a staggering 3,000,000 books.  Asthma, psoriasis, eczema and hay fever are just some of the conditions that legend says may be improved by juicing.  But what are the facts?  Like homeopathy, there are none, anecdotal evidence only.  Stress is said to be a major problem in today’s world and I’m planning to become the new guru in relieving the condition.  Based on experience and supportive anecdotes from friends, I can state with certainty that the weekly consumption of a few pints of beer, topped up by wine with meals, relieves stress.  My new book, JUST SHORT OF LEGLESS, will be published shortly.

    Fascinated to see an article on line that suggests women’s complexions can benefit from regular shaving.  I guess we can expect a whole new range of women’s shaving products in the not distant future.  If shaving makes the beard stronger, Conchita Wurst may face some serious competition from real women in the next Eurovision Song Contest.  One hint from a regular shaver, never use the same blade for the face and the Brazilian as the latter blunts blades very quickly.  That information is second hand!  

    Miliband’s latest ‘big idea’ is one month of maternity leave for new fathers.  Only a man who had never worked in the real world could come up with that one.  Small businesses, and they make up over 80% of the businesses in this country, don’t have spare heads.  Fortunately, most of the people who work for the small businesses realize that and will ignore these idiotic ideas. As the old saying states:

Never trust big ideas from a man in trouble.

    The description zombie parliament is in regular use at present since sitting members have no meaty legislation to consider. Oddly, Prime Ministers question time looks more like The Living Dead series each time we watch it, howls and distorted faces the order of the day.  It seems a ridiculous time to hold an important debate, especially on something as sensitive as the delay to publishing the Chilcot report.  The importance to members was shown by the small attendance, the only Blair disciple in evidence, Jack Straw.  While Chilcot et al must shoulder much blame for the delay, the real culprits are surely our parliamentarians.  They must have the power to speed up this ludicrous six-year project.  Whatever the final report says, we shall be sniffing suspiciously for any hint of an odour.  In reality, whatever it says will have the flavour of whitewash after this delay.  RIP Chilcot.

    In the same week the debate has taken place, Sir Jeremy Heywood, capo di tutti capi of the civil service, appeared before a parliamentary committee.  In a session worthy of the best episodes of Yes Minister, Heywood seemed affronted when challenged about some of the ‘gobbledegook’ he uttered at the meeting. Management speak comes and goes in business, but managers are amateurs compared to civil servants. Why it came as a surprise to MP’s we don’t quite understand.  Most of us that read communications from government departments invariably do a double take. I doubt any of us understand them completely at first reading – probably why so many find their way very quickly into the circular filing cabinet, ready for recycling.  If any political party produces a policy for reducing the number of senior civil servants, they will surely sweep to victory.

    Vladimir Putin’s ambition seems to have no end.  One of his Tu-95 ‘Bear’ bombers has flown down the English Channel.  After Crimea, and the resumption of fighting in Ukraine, perhaps he is considering the annexation of the Isle of Wight.  As far as we know, the island isn’t sitting on top of a major oil or gas find, so perhaps Mr Putin sees it as a weekend hideaway.  If nothing else, he’d feel he’d gone back to the Sixties, a preferred decade for him.   

    Education Minister, Nicky Morgan, has announced a war on illiteracy and innumeracy.  She wants children leaving primary school to know their tables (we’ve not heard that word for many a year) and be able to read a book.  Needless to say she’s missed the point.  What most children in modern schools need is discipline before either of her targets have credibility.

    I’m sad to read of the demise of Lotte Hass at the age of 86.  Her and husband Hans produced pioneering underwater films in the Fifties, almost the first of their type.  It reminded me of an amusing story that circulated with the speed of sound even in the pre-twitter world.  After Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy’s mishap, when he drove off a bridge in Chappaquiddick, rumour had it that Hans Hass was the only applicant for a job as his chauffeur!

    Battle lines are being drawn as developers, Mayfield Market Towns, fight to win approval to build 10,000 homes on a green field site close to Henfield in Sussex.  Brown field sites are readily available across the country, but building on countryside is much easier.  We have an idea that might focus the mind of developers and builders.  A simple addition to the planning consent, making a ‘yes’ conditional on Directors of both developer and builders living in homes on the development for a term of five years, would make it interesting.  If they had to live on some of the monstrosities they force onto our countryside, we’d really see how committed they were.  A director from Mayfield is singing the praises of the new town he wants to build.  He should be happy to live there on that basis.  Make them put their money where their mouth is for a change.

    Labour have begun wheeling out the big policies as we creep towards the election.  Tristram Hunt, Shadow Education Minister, rocked the country yesterday with the announcement that 5 – 7 year-olds will receive sex education under a new Labour government.  How can we fail to be impressed?  With some children not toilet trained when they start school we can only hope they don’t start tearing at each others’ nappies.  One other thought.  Can you imagine how a lad called Tristram Hunt would have survived in a comprehensive school?  Nicknames in a plain envelope please!