Jez must have been waiting for the doors to open at the Iron Duke but he commandeered our table so all is well with the world.  He’d forgotten that the local kids had already gone back to school, still chuntering about their behaviour.  His comment about the need for more parenting classes stopped the flow for a minute. The rest of us weren’t sure where he’d heard about parenting classes, or even what they are.   

 

    Ben’s on the list for a hip replacement and is getting lots of advice about how to avoid MRSA and other joys.   He’s concerned his consultant won’t be doing the op and wanted ideas to make sure he got the top man.  Paddy suggested finding out where the consultant’s kids went to school.  We’ve often wondered what job he did in Belfast.  One of other comments was helpful though – Adrian offered to buy his slippers if the op went tits up.          

    One common denominator for the group is stiffness; everything gets stiffer – well almost everything.  On the positive side you can get replacements for most bits and pieces.  Adrian reckons he has more technology in his chest than the rest of us in our computers.  He insists that his inability to use the self-service tills in Tesco without calling an assistant is due to his pacemaker.  We just nod knowingly.

    When our grandkids get together they compete with the latest Iphones and apps.  With us its pacemakers – hips and knees are passé now.  Sam posed the question, what would we have if we could replace anything we wanted?  The answer was predictable – it’s a bloke thing regardless of age.  It’s the same reason we still notice young women in short skirts though my wife put that in perspective.  She says dogs chase cars but they can’t drive.

    Another regular discussion is bowel movements.  We don’t just talk crap, we analyse it.  There are two old boys I know from my club – when I say know, I don’t mean their names – just their bowel movements.  Frequency, size, shape, consistency – you describe it and I’ll tell you who it came from.  If either of them ever became unrecognisable due to an accident, I could identify them quicker than that CSI lot on the tele. 

    One other benefit we all get is free prescriptions.  Our table in the pub sometimes looks like a Smarty convention when the lads lay out their tablets and compare notes.  Our GP’s must hate to see us walk through their doors, knowing there will be a discussion about why one of us gets a generic version of a tablet when our mate is on the branded one. 

    We all got a shock this week when Ben laid a Viagra tablet on the table.  Paddy said they call it the Pfizer riser in Ireland.  Inevitably it raised questions, mainly because Ben isn’t married and doesn’t have a girlfriend.  When he said he takes one each night before bed, nobody could think of another question.