Adrian has been banned from his local supermarket after a fracas at the checkout.  He insists he is the damaged party and has written to the store to state his case.  I’ll leave anyone who reads this to decide if Adrian will have the ban lifted.

 

Dear Sir,

 

I feel I must write to clarify what happened at the Basingstoke store in order for you to reverse the decision to have me banned from shopping there.

 

The Thursday concerned was my normal shopping day, and as my loyalty card will confirm, I am a long standing customer.  As I queued at the checkout I found myself behind a young woman with two incredibly rowdy children.  The mother seemed engrossed in conversation with the lady on the till and I waited patiently until one of the children slammed my trolley onto my ankle.  The children thought it hilarious and when the mother glanced my way I tried to avoid a row, simply commenting that the terrible twins were having a bad day.  Her comment that “they weren’t f---ing twins you stupid old sod,” seemed uncalled for.  Perhaps my response that I could understand her partner opting for artificial insemination instead of the normal method could be deemed sharp but my ankle was very painful at that moment.

 

You must agree that I had no idea that the lady on the till was the woman’s mother.  Her tirade about a hard working daughter and an ignorant old man seemed to have no place in the discussion and when I began to laugh it was not aimed at the mother.  Her daughter had bent forward to lift something from her trolley and her jeans had slipped down to reveal a tattoo.  I can only describe it as looking like the tree of life growing from between the cheeks of her bottom.  The significance of the multi-coloured butterfly at rest on a large stretch mark was lost on me but I couldn’t stifle my laughter.

 

I apologise if I accidently caused offence and hope that now you have the full story you will reconsider your ban.  I am perfectly willing to change the day I shop and to avoid the checkout manned by the girl’s mother.  I didn’t note her name badge but she’s easy to identify, being morbidly obese with more than a hint of BO.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

    Unsurprisingly, the subject of tattoos raised its head with the obvious round robin question.  Sam had his first wife’s name, Kim, on his shoulder.  His second wife hadn’t been recorded.  His reasoning made sense.  Alexandra would have cost more and hurt more.  She only lasted a year anyway.

    Ben showed us his, the result of a legless night in Malaya during National Service.  He hasn’t a clue what it is – the nearest description we could offer being the arse end of a rat disappearing up a drainpipe.  Maybe it has a fundamental meaning in Malaya. Sam’s alternative of a pissed off female tattoo artist who’d suggested marriage another good option.  Nobody else had one which led to the inevitable challenge.