Friday 13^th May – a day we are told to take care, but not unlucky for everybody. A man from Tweed Heads in Australia got his penis stuck in a ring spanner – you may have to use your imagination for that one. The ‘swelling’ put a smile on his face but the smile disappeared when the swelling didn’t. Enter the local Fire Brigade with an angle grinder. That’s when the bloke got lucky. The firefighter had a steady hand even while laughing fit to bust! The moral of the story – if the nuts get tight, make sure you choose the correct size spanner!

    Saturday 14^th May – the referendum battle is hotting up and finally the government has released the total immigration figures for last year – over 800,000. To explain the big difference between their quoted figures for net migration (338,000) and the number of National Insurance Numbers allocated, they tell us the difference is due to short-term stayers! No problem then, clearly they see 338,000 as acceptable. The best analysis to use in assessing the impact of immigration is the density figures. These figures show the number of people living/square kilometre in each country. In 2015 England became second to tiny Malta as the most densely populated country in The EU.

                                    England    419

                                    Holland     408

                                    Germany   226

                                    Italy           205

                                    Poland      123

                                    France      105

Next time you can’t get an appointment at your doctors, your child can’t get a place at a local school and the queue for social housing has got longer, ask yourself why. The referendum is supposed to be about peace, prosperity and being European. But is it really? Or is it about quality of life as your personal space gets smaller and smaller? The more data we get, the more certain we are that this referendum is about immigration.

    Sunday 15^th May – The Eurovision Song Contest finally hit rock bottom. The Ukraine song was about the deportation of Crimean Tatars in 1944. The subject seems an obvious upbeat choice for a song contest. The Singer, Jamala, had the perfect voice to match the music. It reminded me of a dreadful whining noise I once heard from the transmission of an old car I owned. A crusher put that car out of its misery. There’s a thought! And one the Russians would support after their man failed to win.

    You may never have read The Journal of Sex Research but we like to keep up to the minute on all types of science. A recent article discusses a piece of research that suggests that watching porn more than once a week is likely to make you more religious. It probably explains why some individuals have been heard to exclaim “Jesus” while watching extreme porn. And I have always had a slight question mark about our local vicar.

    Monday 16^th May – most of us are aware that certain body parts are surplus to requirements – the appendix for instance. A Spanish-Moroccan artist felt sure this applies to the male nipple and technically he’s right. To prove a point he had his removed and has suffered no ill effects. But removal wasn’t enough. He wanted to distance himself from the pointless protuberances so he offered them for sale on-line.  And somebody bought them! This could be a significant market opportunity as the four nipple style becomes a must have for trendy men.

    In a television interview, Donald Trump says he doesn’t think he’d get on well with David Cameron. That must strike a note with British voters who thought they had nothing in common with ‘The Donald’.

    Tuesday 17^th May – a judge in Iran is reported to have told a man sentenced to death that “if you are innocent you’ll go to heaven after you’re hanged”. It gives the ultimate twist to ‘good news, bad news’, jokes. As John Steinbeck quoted “no one wants advice – only corroboration”. Maybe the judge should have gone first!