Friday 27^th May – the young man who jumped into the lion’s den in Chile believed he was a prophet protected by Jesus. His attempt to ‘create a miracle’ was spoiled by guards who shot the lions. If he recovers, Franco Roman has been invited to England to join David Cameron’s ‘Remain’ team. His powers will be sorely needed if Brexit wins and the country is faced by Cameron’s forecast apocalypse. Hopefully he can convince David and George to accompany him to London Zoo, where they can join him in a test of his powers.

    Turkish leader, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, is raising the ante in the deal for Turks to be granted visa free travel in Europe, in exchange for accepting the return of migrants from Greece. He wants the move escalated or he threatens to tear up the short-lived agreement. But EU Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker hit back at the threat, saying Turkey should stick to its commitments. Anybody feel willing to lay odds on who will win that battle? In the meantime The UK received 333,000 immigrants in 2015. We’ll soon be more crowded than Malta!

    Saturday 28^th May – Kevin Sheehan likes nothing more than watching his fish swim around in his garden pond. It sounds like a pretty harmless hobby and understandable that he has built a bigger pond. But Sovereign Housing Association has ruled that it must be knocked down within three weeks. The reason they give is a corker. ‘A six foot fence hides the pond from view and if someone breaks into the garden they might fall in and injure themselves’. On that basis we feel they should insist that the pond is filled with alligators!

    Tony Blair has convinced himself that people don’t like him because he is so successful. He considers the war in Iraq is just a front for the real reason. He could be right. We never really dislike smug, righteous, misleading bastards. It’s just a front we wear when we come face to face with them.

    Short this week as we take a break.

    Friday 20^th May – former French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, took an interesting position on the EU during an interview with Le Monde. While supporting the ‘In’ campaign in the UK he said, “on much of their criticism, the British are right.” Mon Dieu, he agrees with both sides – must be a politician!

    Trying to get a rope round how the EU works, Jeremy Paxman toured Brussels and one fact was inescapable. The UK is no longer a sovereign nation. To clarify the situation I checked sovereignty in the dictionary.

Sovereignty – 1. Supreme and unrestricted power, as of a state. 2. The position, dominion or authority of a sovereign. 3. An independent state.

We no longer meet any of those definitions.

    Saturday 21^st May – staff at a nursing home in Gothenburg, Sweden, have taken part in the trial of a 30-hour week. An audit on the experiment found the staff became more productive and energetic. The 25% reduction in working hours was not accompanied by a similar reduction in pay. Is it any surprise that staff motivation increased! Why did it take a trial to identify a perfectly logical result? On a positive note Sweden will need many more immigrants to fill the artificial gap that develops in their workforce.

    Greater Manchester Police have issued a warning after one man was put in an induced coma and another collapsed after taking a ‘legal high’. Why police feel the need to interfere in self-induced illnesses at a time when they are overstretched to respond to crime is beyond our crowd. The pub concensus is that ‘if the silly buggers wish to self-harm, the result is their own responsibility’.

    Sunday 22^nd May – a week to go before ‘Top Gear’ a la Chris Evans appears on our screens. The recent and unplanned photographs of the JC replacement, doesn’t show a happy man. We couldn’t count the lines on his forehead and we’ve seen smaller furrows at ploughing matches.  In addition, reports suggest that his reaction to audience members at the filming of the first episode contained a great many ‘F’s. At least Evans can guarantee an interested audience of four on launch day and Clarkson would never sink to using the ‘F’ word, would he?

     Google have patented the idea of having an adhesive layer on the bonnet of driverless cars. The idea is based on ‘collecting’ on the bonnet the pedestrian that the car hits, thus protecting the person from bouncing off and being hit by other traffic. We think it’s a great idea that could be implemented on every car. Then we could have competitions for collecting inconsiderate cyclists who ride two and three abreast round the lanes where we live. Extra points would be awarded if you collected their bike as well as the rider!

    Monday 23^rd May – 30 gay MP’s and peers have joined the referendum battle.  They are calling for LGBTI people to cast their votes for remain. They hail the EU’s role in promoting human rights worldwide. We are expecting a directive from Brussels in the near future. Toilets will now have to be labeled Ladies, Gentlemen and Undecided.         

    A ‘technical error’ prevented the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus from performing the US anthem at the San Diego Padres/LA Dodgers game. The choir has called for an investigation. It may prove to be a discrimination issue if the choir has no LBTI members. Alternatively they may have too many sopranos.

    Tuesday 24^th May – customer care gurus generally recommend the use of names when dealing with customers. People like to hear their name spoken, the first name suggesting some form of relationship. The Labour Party have obviously received the training but misunderstood the message. Hence the email it sent to members making its argument for staying in the EU. The email began, “Dear Firstname”. Clearly they wished to avoid the more formal address of “Dear Lastname”. The rest of their ‘Remain’ message was lost in the howls of laughter. Most of us stopped laughing when reminded that this outfit could form our next government. Many Americans are concerned about what would happen if Trump became President. I think we’d happily take ‘The Donald’ in a straight swap for the idiots who send out emails like this one.

    A bit of Thomas Becket’s elbow has been returned from Hungary to England and is about to be taken on a pilgrimage around the country. He was murdered in 1170, but suspend your disbelief. I just came back from the hairdressers where I collected a few locks of Samson’s hair, courtesy of a hairdresser called Delilah. The hair will begin its pilgrimage next week and donations will be welcomed.

    Friday 13^th May – a day we are told to take care, but not unlucky for everybody. A man from Tweed Heads in Australia got his penis stuck in a ring spanner – you may have to use your imagination for that one. The ‘swelling’ put a smile on his face but the smile disappeared when the swelling didn’t. Enter the local Fire Brigade with an angle grinder. That’s when the bloke got lucky. The firefighter had a steady hand even while laughing fit to bust! The moral of the story – if the nuts get tight, make sure you choose the correct size spanner!

    Saturday 14^th May – the referendum battle is hotting up and finally the government has released the total immigration figures for last year – over 800,000. To explain the big difference between their quoted figures for net migration (338,000) and the number of National Insurance Numbers allocated, they tell us the difference is due to short-term stayers! No problem then, clearly they see 338,000 as acceptable. The best analysis to use in assessing the impact of immigration is the density figures. These figures show the number of people living/square kilometre in each country. In 2015 England became second to tiny Malta as the most densely populated country in The EU.

                                    England    419

                                    Holland     408

                                    Germany   226

                                    Italy           205

                                    Poland      123

                                    France      105

Next time you can’t get an appointment at your doctors, your child can’t get a place at a local school and the queue for social housing has got longer, ask yourself why. The referendum is supposed to be about peace, prosperity and being European. But is it really? Or is it about quality of life as your personal space gets smaller and smaller? The more data we get, the more certain we are that this referendum is about immigration.

    Sunday 15^th May – The Eurovision Song Contest finally hit rock bottom. The Ukraine song was about the deportation of Crimean Tatars in 1944. The subject seems an obvious upbeat choice for a song contest. The Singer, Jamala, had the perfect voice to match the music. It reminded me of a dreadful whining noise I once heard from the transmission of an old car I owned. A crusher put that car out of its misery. There’s a thought! And one the Russians would support after their man failed to win.

    You may never have read The Journal of Sex Research but we like to keep up to the minute on all types of science. A recent article discusses a piece of research that suggests that watching porn more than once a week is likely to make you more religious. It probably explains why some individuals have been heard to exclaim “Jesus” while watching extreme porn. And I have always had a slight question mark about our local vicar.

    Monday 16^th May – most of us are aware that certain body parts are surplus to requirements – the appendix for instance. A Spanish-Moroccan artist felt sure this applies to the male nipple and technically he’s right. To prove a point he had his removed and has suffered no ill effects. But removal wasn’t enough. He wanted to distance himself from the pointless protuberances so he offered them for sale on-line.  And somebody bought them! This could be a significant market opportunity as the four nipple style becomes a must have for trendy men.

    In a television interview, Donald Trump says he doesn’t think he’d get on well with David Cameron. That must strike a note with British voters who thought they had nothing in common with ‘The Donald’.

    Tuesday 17^th May – a judge in Iran is reported to have told a man sentenced to death that “if you are innocent you’ll go to heaven after you’re hanged”. It gives the ultimate twist to ‘good news, bad news’, jokes. As John Steinbeck quoted “no one wants advice – only corroboration”. Maybe the judge should have gone first!

    Friday 6^{th May} - that man of men Grayson Perry is fronting a TV programme called Grayson Perry: All Man. He suggests that what Bear Grylls celebrates as masculinity is useless in today’s world. I can’t wait to hear his views and plan to wear my pink tutu while I watch him on television. I daren’t go shirtless now my six-pack has gone south. As presenters go Perry is well worth a listen though I fear some of the good points he makes are lost due to the way he dresses.

    Saturday 7^{th May} - today is the newly instituted annual naked gardening day. The weather is being supportive, clear blue sky, sunny and warm. As far as I’m aware none of my neighbours celebrated the day. Nobody offered the usual word over the fence as I did a bit of weeding. Maybe they were out. I was OK until I tried to trim the berberis darwinii. The wounds are in an embarrassing spot but the hospital will see plenty of them today. The lads at the pub all planned to support the day. I hope they kept their part of the bargain!

    Sunday 8^{th May} – the various elections are over and the post mortems are coming thick and fast in the media. There were a few changes of note, Sadiq Khan becoming London mayor and the Conservatives achieving opposition status in Scotland. Apart from those, nothing much changed. Considering the shambolic performance of the Conservatives in recent weeks they should have been hammered, but the Corbyn effect probably saved them. We assume Cameron says a prayer for Corbyn every night as he kneels by his bed, ‘hallowed be thy name’ now meaning the new JC. For Cameron, the emergence of Corbyn offers more than any other second coming.

    Gordonstoun School (notable alumni Duke of Edinburgh and Prince Charles) has expelled a pair of students for having sex on a teacher’s desk. With fees of the order of £30,000 a year you would think they could find somewhere more comfortable. There has been no indication of performance from whoever found them in the act, though their choice of venue would suggest an A*!

    Monday 9^{th May} – a ‘friend’ of moors murderer Ian Brady has revealed he has information that has never been revealed to the police, including where Myra Hindley and Brady buried 12-year-old Keith Bennett. Dr Alan Keightley has known Brady for 25 years, seeing him every few weeks and talking regularly on the telephone, now becoming his legal heir. Keightley says he can only reveal the whole truth about the murders when Brady dies and he publishes a book based on what the killer told him. As a teaser for a book this plumbs the depths. We can only hope publishers don’t queue up with chequebooks in hand. Brady and Hindley were monsters and words fail us to describe a man who wants to cash in on their crimes.

    The other inevitability following the local elections was the EU referendum debate gearing up. At least this time we can settle our differences with a vote rather than bombs and bullets. Score one for the EU. On the other hand David Cameron says we should stay when only a year ago he said leave unless they reform. And we’ve seen his laughable ‘negotiated reforms’. We’ve also seen all the other wrong positions he and his team have taken as recently as the last two months. So, is he right? Questionable. Score one against the EU. But the Brexit team can’t paint us a picture of the UK outside the EU so it’s a step in the dark. Score another for the EU. But the EU want a federation of Europe with us simply another European state. Unimaginable. Score another against the EU. That makes it a draw so far. I’m left with my gut feeling. I find it hard to trust politicians of any colour, creed or nationality and the UK has been self reliant throughout my lifetime. I think I’ll back that precedent.  

    Tuesday 10^{th May} – faced by redecorating I read Feng Shui tips on how to improve the aura of our house. The big tip was to clear out clutter to create a harmonious home.  Get rid of everything that you do not love in your house, the advice. As a start I suggested getting rid of everything belonging to my wife that she hasn’t used or worn in the last month. I’m making the shed as comfortable as possible for the length of my stay.

    The Eurovision Song contest is on the horizon with bookmakers making Russia’s Sergey Lazarev the clear favourite. The UK can expect the usual drubbing from our ‘friends’ in Europe. Nul points for staying in Europe perhaps!!

    The jury verdict on the Hillsborough disaster will hopefully result in a careful review of policing across the UK, not just in South Yorkshire. Our police forces are staffed, for the most part, by a dedicated group of people who carry out a tough job that most of us couldn’t handle. They should be applauded not condemned. If a problem exists it stems from the top. Senior police officers have realized in recent years that political correctness delivers more brownie points than running an effective force. This tends to be highlighted both by their actions and the selection of those for top posts. The old Chinese proverb says ‘the fish rots from the head’ so start there in any review. Those at the top of our police forces are expert at ‘talking the talk’, using words that score points politically. They should be expert with all the training they get. Leave the rank and file to get on with the jobs the public need them to do while sorting out those senior officers who pay lip service to policing. Make political correctness a crime and we might see really effective policing.  

    Just saw the news that an Apple employee was found dead at Apple’s Cupertino campus. A gun was found nearby. Having spoken to their call centre while trying to sort out a problem I felt glad that weapons are not readily available in The UK. With a gun to hand I’m not sure I would have survived!

    Ken Livingstone has form for his views on Israel and its people, and finally he seems to have spoken a word too far. Unfortunately it guarantees him the oxygen of publicity as the media attempt to get an apology. Based on precedent, the chances of an apology are at similar odds to Trump welcoming Mexican immigrants to share his home. If the media would walk away from Livingstone, send him to Coventry in effect’, he would quietly disappear from the headlines. Ken’s utterings have now landed on the desk of his mate Jeremy Corbyn. In the next few days we shall find out the size of Corbyn’s ‘cojones’ as he makes the decision about Livingstone’s future in the Labour Party. If Corbyn has anything between his legs it should be future – what future?

    Gerry Adams is being criticized for his use of the N-word in a tweet after watching Tarantino’s Django Unchained. He defends himself by saying he was comparing the struggle against slavery in the US to the plight of the Irish nationalists. As him and his merry men bombed and assault rifled his way to government, we used much more offensive words about him. On reflection, we still include a great many F-words when discussing his role as Sinn Féin President.

    A fisherman found a beautiful doll floating in the sea off Bangai Island, Indonesia and took it home to his mother. The find came a few days after a solar eclipse in Indonesia, a spiritual event in local belief, His mother decided it was an angel child descended from above and took to treating it like a human being, dressing it in a clean blouse and hijab every day, seating it in a chair in their house. Stories of an angel child soon spread. Local police heard the stories and decided to investigate. It took them minutes to strip the doll and reveal a seriously proportioned sex toy, all boobs and orifices. The police took away the doll to avoid controversy. We bet they did. Nice one lads – have you got a bicycle pump handy?

    The latest ‘leaks’ about the TTIP talks have produced a rapid response from European Trade Commissioner Cecilia Malmstrom. She called the leaked documents ‘a storm in a teacup’. The fact that all the talks are held in secret and leaks produce our only information is interesting, her rapid response and denials raising even more questions. Welcome to the mushroom club.

    Paisley Road West in Glasgow might be a good street to avoid if you’re thinking of buying a takeaway. This because 17 fast food outlets were served with food hygiene warnings in the last year. At least the road is one of the main routes out of Glasgow for any non-SNP supporters. Clouds and linings spring to mind.

    Seen a great on-line video of the punch up between members of parliament in Turkey. Members of the ruling AK Party and pro-Kurdish politicians went toe to toe about plans to strip MP’s of their immunity from prosecution. We can hardly wait for them to join the European Union. Brussels will become a much more interesting place.