‘Double, double toil and trouble’ for Scottish farmers, says David Cameron as he seeks support in Scotland for remaining in the EU.  Macbeth’s troubles were minor by comparison. We’re thinking of renaming Cameron The New Bard and wondering which part of the UK can expect the plague of toads. I’m sure he will tell us in the near future. We keep waiting for him to give us positive reasons for staying in the EU, but none are forthcoming. Is it possible he can’t think of any?

    Coexist, a company in Bristol, is to introduce a ‘period policy’ that will allow female staff time off during a painful monthly cycle. We would expect male transgender staff who suffer phantom periods or pregnancies during transition to receive similar treatment. In addition, male staff whose wives are transitioning the menopause will also require time off to recover from stress. With a bit of thought it should be possible to transform the work place so that nobody works full time.

    It seems that a man managed to walk past security before getting legless at the Moncrieff Bar in the House of Commons. You can only feel sorry for the security staff that thought they were seeing normal behaviour from certain ‘Right Honourables’.

    Grenache restaurant in Manchester have taken a stand against unnamed diners who said they did not want to be served by an autistic waiter. We applaud their stand – to quote them – ‘we employ staff based on experience, knowledge and passion for the job……not the colour of their skin, how many tattoos they have, their dress size, religious beliefs or illness”. We tend to feel the same, visiting restaurants for the quality of their food. However, I’ll add one word of warning. We couldn’t eat for laughing after being served by a waiter with Tourettes. His comment after we ordered – “so you all want f-----g steaks?” cracked us up. It happened a long time ago but he lives in our minds as a star. We never saw him again but assume he went on to greater things.

    The responsibility for the recent bomb attack in Belfast has been claimed by a group calling themselves ‘the new IRA’. Members of the ‘old IRA’ now hold senior positions in the Northern Ireland executive. It will be interesting to see if they can get a grip on the new boys on the block. Maybe they can resurrect their punishment teams.

    If you’re short of ideas for Easter presents, buy your friends a ‘Nudee’. All you need is two hi res photos of your head, one front, one side and Firebox will do the rest. They offer a choice of three body types, all wearing pants, on which the 3D print technology head will be seated. The body types vary from slim, through muscular to worst nightmare. Take a look at the options on Firebox. On reflection, don’t buy them for good friends.

    North Staffs man, Tony Cartlidge, just won a 12-month community order for outraging public decency. His crime was to flash a young lady that he claimed to think was his ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t. Mind you, anyone can make a mistake and who can remember all our girlfriends. It could have been worse. The lady may have started to laugh but that could be why the real lady became an ex-girlfriend.

    The award of $55 million dollars to Fox sports reporter Erin Andrews brought forth a few ideas down the pub. The stalker who took the video of her in the altogether shared the blame with the hotel chain that let the adjoining rooms. The stalker managed to alter the hotel peepholes to make the video. We had no shortage of volunteers to be secretly filmed by our stalker and Adrian, our DIY expert, felt sure he could modify a peephole in order to make the case. We’d already agreed we would accept a much smaller settlement. However, the thought of most of the volunteers in the nude proved a terrifying step too far.

    If ever we needed proof that the EU can’t manage crises the latest proposed deal with Turkey brings it front and centre.  Migrants in Greece will be repatriated to Turkey provided the EU takes one for one from Turkey into the EU. So how does that change the numbers? In addition, visa liberalization for Turks to travel within the Schengen area will be fast-forwarded as will Turkey’s accession to the EU. The deal still has still to be ratified and we can only hope common sense prevails. But the EU approach to crises remains the same – panic/talk/produce nonsense decisions/tweak/take fall back position of hysteria.