As ‘The Donald’ closes in on the Republican nomination he’s keeping doctors busy. ‘Trump Anxiety’ is a new condition as patients claim sleepless nights and panic attacks at the thought of him actually getting into The White House. POTUS now has a new meaning - PROBABILITY OF TRUMP UNDLYING STRESS. Several patients have also begun to wet the bed though doctors say this is simply a case of enuresis. On hearing the word Trump instantly retorted that Enuresin immigrants would not be allowed into the US under his presidency.

    A poll for Scotland on Sunday suggests that those north of the border would vote for independence if a Brexit win drags them out of the EU. Nicola Sturgeon could easily switch sides and become a leader of Brexit if she thinks it might help her to achieve her ultimate aim. We could offer her another option. If there is another referendum on Scottish independence it should be a UK wide vote. We’re sick of hearing Nicola’s views so the English vote could easily swing the result for her. Let’s face it a large number of the English would vote for Scottish independence just to get rid of the SNP clique in parliament and to stop Nicola banging on about a free Scotland.

    Kellogg’s are investigating a worker who urinated on a conveyor belt at a Memphis factory. It happened in 2014 so any food affected is past its expiry date – is that code for it has all been eaten by now? Taking the piss can sometimes get you fired from a job but we’re not aware of many cases of adding the piss producing the same result. Kellogg’s should be carrying out a careful analysis of market share immediately after the event. If the new taste produced an upward trend a radical reformulation of Rice Krispies Treats would make sense. Roll on the first vice president of urination!

     It is suggested that Obama will use his visit to the UK in April to lobby for ‘Remain’ in the EU. If he does so it will give a massive boost to the ‘Brexit’ campaign. We can imagine Obama’s reaction to a supreme court with the ability to override decisions made in the US courts or free movement from Central America. His legacy to the US is in question but this visit could leave a bad taste in our mouths.

    Maria Sharapova has lost some big sponsors following her admission about using meldonium. But every cloud is supposed to have a silver lining and we see one for Sharapova. Sales of meldonium are rocketing in Russia, forecast sales doubling in March compared to February. We hope the new users don’t come down with a bump if they find out that Sharapova’s sexual grunts only occurred during tennis matches.

    The LibDems took a battering in the last election, new voters at a premium as they fight to recover. And they are leaving no stone unturned to find splinter groups that will give them their vote. Their spring conference has just voted for the legalisation of cannabis.  Included would be shops licensed to sell it and householders allowed to grow their own. We can’t wait for the next election, imagining ‘new ‘LibDem’ voters skipping into the booths, roll up hanging from mouths, grinning vacantly. On reflection, nothing much will have changed.

    Prosecutors have said that undercover footage of a man masturbating a dolphin at a sealife centre in Holland shows nothing illegal. It appears that the act is performed as part of the training within their breeding programme. Since dolphins are known to communicate with each other this action may have a serious impact on people’s bucket lists. Swimming with dolphins is invariably in the top 20 but once this dolphin in Holland gets the message out to his mates, swimming might be far from their mind. To be on the safe side, wear gloves if you take the plunge!           

    Hungary’s Prime Minister, Viktor Orban, has come out fighting in a speech commemorating their 1848 revolution against Austria’s Hapsburgs. He blames EU leaders for the influx of migrants and says the EU is bent on creating a United States of Europe that will swallow up nation states. The only way to stop mass migration is to put a brake on Brussels, he states. For the first time we hear a leader talking the way we hear people talk in the pub. He’s a lone voice at the moment and will shortly be getting a spanking from Angela Merkel and her federalist friends. But who knows, maybe others will step where so far angels have feared to tread in Europe.