As the candles are lit and the silent vigils take place for the victims in Brussels, so begins the blame game. Turkey insists that one of the suicide bombers was deported to Holland but that both the Dutch and Belgian authorities were warned that he was a ‘foreign fighter’. Clearly the warning was given little credence. Two Belgian ministers, Interior and Justice, offered to resign but were asked to stay by the Belgian Prime Minister Charles Michel, his view that “you do not leave the field during a war”. What a strange view. If a leader shows incompetence during a war they should be fired to protect their troops not given an option, particularly if fighting an organized and determined enemy. Leadership has to be earned and Belgium appears to have a laissez-faire problem in that area. But Charles Michel is a smart politician. If you clear out the incompetents just below you, your need for scapegoats grows exponentially. But at least it has lit a fire under the Belgians and arrests are occurring apace. Suddenly the Belgian police have targets – sadly it took an atrocity to wake them to the fact. How can we feel safe in our beds when we rely on these casual people to fight terrorists?

    An Oxfam charity bookshop in Swansea has so many copies of Fifty Shades of Grey that it is begging women to stop bringing them in. Interestingly, a large percentage of them are pristine, clearly unread. Perhaps the ladies were frightened to read them in case hubby’s expectations of bedroom performance changed. It certainly offers an opportunity for a budding female author to write a sequel called Implementing Fifty Shades of Grey, a ‘How To’ manual that would render The Kama Sutra obsolete. At the same time one of us old gits could put pen to paper about the debilitating headaches from which men sometimes suffer in bed. Failing that I can recommend the male version of the book, Fifty Sheds of Grey, a good read if you haven’t seen it.

    Hilary Clinton has identified a large group of voters and almost guaranteed their votes by suggesting she will declassify Area 51 files if elected as President. ‘Trekkies’ will vote en masse to get their hands on those files. Even better, Hilary should open up the area for ‘Trekkie’ conventions. If any extraterrestrials do exist in the area they would soon be looking for a route back to where they originated when they see Hollywood’s version of their antecedents. We can just about imagine delegations of extraterrestrials arriving at the White House with a simple request – “beam us up Hilary”.  

    Chaos theory is the mathematical study of dynamical systems and their unpredictable knock on effects.  Often referred to as the butterfly effect, it is about to be tested. Thousands of EU staff are arriving on the Greek islands of Lesbos and Chlos to begin the mass repatriation of refugees and economic migrants. The fag packet deal with Turkey has massive implications, few of which have been carefully explored. Several politicians have referred to the deal as a merry-go-round – people out equating to people in. They’re wrong. A merry go round is wholly predictable. We’d bet that unpredictable results surface in short order with more short-term, sticking plaster solutions so beloved of politicians. Mathematicians should watch carefully as the theory is proved.

    As the doctor’s strikes escalate it becomes harder not to take a view. One of our mates has been in hospital for five weeks so we’ve become pretty familiar with both the hospitals he has been in. His medical treatment has been first class and he’s on the mend. But what about the seven-day service that junior doctors say we already have? They must be incredibly tired not to have noticed that two days in seven don’t meet that requirement. The meagre staff coverage if you visit at weekends tells its own story. We can understand junior staff kicking against the loss of overtime payments and would happily side with that position. But why try to wrap it up as a safety issue. If they tell it as it is, they will retain the backing, and more importantly, the respect of the public.

    Donald Trump says once more that Europe isn’t safe. I’m sure we’ll miss him but I wouldn’t want him to risk a visit!

    So the EU has done a ‘deal’ with Turkey to send boat arrivals back from Greece, before sending an equivalent number of genuine refugees for allocated resettlement in Europe. Now watch the shambles as they try to implement the ‘deal’ with false Syrian passports at a premium price. We use the term ‘deal’ with tongue in cheek. It sounds better than terms like over a barrel, not a position of which Angela Merkel has much experience. As the Turkish Prime Minister said immediately after the deal, ‘we today realized that Turkey and the EU have the same destiny’. Nicely put and he tried not to smile as he said it! David Cameron seems to have given the nod to the deal without coming back to parliament for ratification, probably because we’re not in Schengen. In reality, if the EU says yes, it’s deal done for the UK. Those who favour Brexit are regularly asked to describe our circumstances if we vote to leave. It has to be time to toss the question back. Perhaps the ‘yes’ campaign can describe our circumstances if we vote to stay in. It will probably mean a switch from over the barrel to our turn in the barrel!  (You might need to be a pensioner to remember the old joke about a monastery.) Will post it if I get requests.

     North Korea seemed to declare war on Neptune after firing five short-range missiles into the sea off its east coast. They seem hell bent on escalating tension in the area after another nuclear test and a long-range rocket launch, this following a barrage of nuclear strike threats to Seoul and Washington. While taking their threats with a pinch of salt you have to be concerned about whose finger is on the button. Most countries have complicated protocols to ensure that a brainstorm keeps the crazy finger under control. We wonder if that applies in North Korea.

    Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation has the pundits leaping forth with their analysis of his reasons. Is it cuts to benefits or Brexit? IDS says it’s the proposed cuts – now shelved it seems – but it raises another interesting question. Who crunches the numbers for George Osborne? Did he really believe that a proposal that would cost the most needy people in the country around £3,600 would be acceptable? Is he that naïve or unable to assimilate the detail? Hopefully neither but it leaves another question. How good is his judgment about the people close to him. If he is focused on strategy, he needs good people close to him to focus on tactical detail. It’s time he reviewed his advisors. Or maybe it’s true that him and Dave are just a couple of posh lads with no idea how the rest of us live. Maybe Boy George needs to read a bit of military history to widen his parameters.

            ‘A plan which succeeds is bold, one which fails is reckless.’

                                                General Karl von Clausewitz, 1832

    Green Park, next door to Buckingham Palace, appears to have become a dogging hotspot at night according to Sexwithstrangersuk.com. Hopefully someone will explain to Her Majesty that it doesn’t mean that the park would be an ideal spot for her to exercise the corgis. And it might be better not to tell Philip at all.

    Another fine episode in the history of the police draws to a close as Operation Midland is scrapped. It only cost £1.8 mill and led nowhere. The claims of a VIP paedophile ring named several elderly high profile individuals but protected the name of their accuser. So reputations were trashed, some post mortem, though no evidence came to light. At some stage the police will have to take a hard look at the accuser’s stories and background before dragging the accused into the limelight.     

    Jamie Oliver should have stuck to the debate about sugar. Stepping into the breastfeeding arena shows him to be either courageous or crazy, the backlash totally predictable. For or against doesn’t matter (he seems to be for) since he’s perceived as moving into the women’s rights area. We have no wish to be involved though I had one experience I don’t wish to repeat. In a crowded coffee shop at a railway station, a lady with a young baby took the only available seat, next to me.  Either baby or mum were inexperienced and her attempts to feed the child resulted in enough splatter to make me move my Americano – I hate Latte. Was I embarrassed? Of course not, it’s a mother’s right! Is that politically correct enough? 

    Obama really is struggling if Cuba has become his legacy!

    As ‘The Donald’ closes in on the Republican nomination he’s keeping doctors busy. ‘Trump Anxiety’ is a new condition as patients claim sleepless nights and panic attacks at the thought of him actually getting into The White House. POTUS now has a new meaning - PROBABILITY OF TRUMP UNDLYING STRESS. Several patients have also begun to wet the bed though doctors say this is simply a case of enuresis. On hearing the word Trump instantly retorted that Enuresin immigrants would not be allowed into the US under his presidency.

    A poll for Scotland on Sunday suggests that those north of the border would vote for independence if a Brexit win drags them out of the EU. Nicola Sturgeon could easily switch sides and become a leader of Brexit if she thinks it might help her to achieve her ultimate aim. We could offer her another option. If there is another referendum on Scottish independence it should be a UK wide vote. We’re sick of hearing Nicola’s views so the English vote could easily swing the result for her. Let’s face it a large number of the English would vote for Scottish independence just to get rid of the SNP clique in parliament and to stop Nicola banging on about a free Scotland.

    Kellogg’s are investigating a worker who urinated on a conveyor belt at a Memphis factory. It happened in 2014 so any food affected is past its expiry date – is that code for it has all been eaten by now? Taking the piss can sometimes get you fired from a job but we’re not aware of many cases of adding the piss producing the same result. Kellogg’s should be carrying out a careful analysis of market share immediately after the event. If the new taste produced an upward trend a radical reformulation of Rice Krispies Treats would make sense. Roll on the first vice president of urination!

     It is suggested that Obama will use his visit to the UK in April to lobby for ‘Remain’ in the EU. If he does so it will give a massive boost to the ‘Brexit’ campaign. We can imagine Obama’s reaction to a supreme court with the ability to override decisions made in the US courts or free movement from Central America. His legacy to the US is in question but this visit could leave a bad taste in our mouths.

    Maria Sharapova has lost some big sponsors following her admission about using meldonium. But every cloud is supposed to have a silver lining and we see one for Sharapova. Sales of meldonium are rocketing in Russia, forecast sales doubling in March compared to February. We hope the new users don’t come down with a bump if they find out that Sharapova’s sexual grunts only occurred during tennis matches.

    The LibDems took a battering in the last election, new voters at a premium as they fight to recover. And they are leaving no stone unturned to find splinter groups that will give them their vote. Their spring conference has just voted for the legalisation of cannabis.  Included would be shops licensed to sell it and householders allowed to grow their own. We can’t wait for the next election, imagining ‘new ‘LibDem’ voters skipping into the booths, roll up hanging from mouths, grinning vacantly. On reflection, nothing much will have changed.

    Prosecutors have said that undercover footage of a man masturbating a dolphin at a sealife centre in Holland shows nothing illegal. It appears that the act is performed as part of the training within their breeding programme. Since dolphins are known to communicate with each other this action may have a serious impact on people’s bucket lists. Swimming with dolphins is invariably in the top 20 but once this dolphin in Holland gets the message out to his mates, swimming might be far from their mind. To be on the safe side, wear gloves if you take the plunge!           

    Hungary’s Prime Minister, Viktor Orban, has come out fighting in a speech commemorating their 1848 revolution against Austria’s Hapsburgs. He blames EU leaders for the influx of migrants and says the EU is bent on creating a United States of Europe that will swallow up nation states. The only way to stop mass migration is to put a brake on Brussels, he states. For the first time we hear a leader talking the way we hear people talk in the pub. He’s a lone voice at the moment and will shortly be getting a spanking from Angela Merkel and her federalist friends. But who knows, maybe others will step where so far angels have feared to tread in Europe.

    ‘Double, double toil and trouble’ for Scottish farmers, says David Cameron as he seeks support in Scotland for remaining in the EU.  Macbeth’s troubles were minor by comparison. We’re thinking of renaming Cameron The New Bard and wondering which part of the UK can expect the plague of toads. I’m sure he will tell us in the near future. We keep waiting for him to give us positive reasons for staying in the EU, but none are forthcoming. Is it possible he can’t think of any?

    Coexist, a company in Bristol, is to introduce a ‘period policy’ that will allow female staff time off during a painful monthly cycle. We would expect male transgender staff who suffer phantom periods or pregnancies during transition to receive similar treatment. In addition, male staff whose wives are transitioning the menopause will also require time off to recover from stress. With a bit of thought it should be possible to transform the work place so that nobody works full time.

    It seems that a man managed to walk past security before getting legless at the Moncrieff Bar in the House of Commons. You can only feel sorry for the security staff that thought they were seeing normal behaviour from certain ‘Right Honourables’.

    Grenache restaurant in Manchester have taken a stand against unnamed diners who said they did not want to be served by an autistic waiter. We applaud their stand – to quote them – ‘we employ staff based on experience, knowledge and passion for the job……not the colour of their skin, how many tattoos they have, their dress size, religious beliefs or illness”. We tend to feel the same, visiting restaurants for the quality of their food. However, I’ll add one word of warning. We couldn’t eat for laughing after being served by a waiter with Tourettes. His comment after we ordered – “so you all want f-----g steaks?” cracked us up. It happened a long time ago but he lives in our minds as a star. We never saw him again but assume he went on to greater things.

    The responsibility for the recent bomb attack in Belfast has been claimed by a group calling themselves ‘the new IRA’. Members of the ‘old IRA’ now hold senior positions in the Northern Ireland executive. It will be interesting to see if they can get a grip on the new boys on the block. Maybe they can resurrect their punishment teams.

    If you’re short of ideas for Easter presents, buy your friends a ‘Nudee’. All you need is two hi res photos of your head, one front, one side and Firebox will do the rest. They offer a choice of three body types, all wearing pants, on which the 3D print technology head will be seated. The body types vary from slim, through muscular to worst nightmare. Take a look at the options on Firebox. On reflection, don’t buy them for good friends.

    North Staffs man, Tony Cartlidge, just won a 12-month community order for outraging public decency. His crime was to flash a young lady that he claimed to think was his ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t. Mind you, anyone can make a mistake and who can remember all our girlfriends. It could have been worse. The lady may have started to laugh but that could be why the real lady became an ex-girlfriend.

    The award of $55 million dollars to Fox sports reporter Erin Andrews brought forth a few ideas down the pub. The stalker who took the video of her in the altogether shared the blame with the hotel chain that let the adjoining rooms. The stalker managed to alter the hotel peepholes to make the video. We had no shortage of volunteers to be secretly filmed by our stalker and Adrian, our DIY expert, felt sure he could modify a peephole in order to make the case. We’d already agreed we would accept a much smaller settlement. However, the thought of most of the volunteers in the nude proved a terrifying step too far.

    If ever we needed proof that the EU can’t manage crises the latest proposed deal with Turkey brings it front and centre.  Migrants in Greece will be repatriated to Turkey provided the EU takes one for one from Turkey into the EU. So how does that change the numbers? In addition, visa liberalization for Turks to travel within the Schengen area will be fast-forwarded as will Turkey’s accession to the EU. The deal still has still to be ratified and we can only hope common sense prevails. But the EU approach to crises remains the same – panic/talk/produce nonsense decisions/tweak/take fall back position of hysteria.  

         

    The report on Savile and the BBC has received major coverage as expected, but was the conclusion unexpected? It appears that nobody at top level was aware of the sexual predators taking advantage of their high profile and ‘stardom’. Really?? Excuse us being cynical – must be something to do with age.

    I was having another clear out at home and found a sign that used to hang in my office. It was a reminder about a key element if you want to stay in business and thrive.

            ‘When you can measure what you are speaking about and express

            it in numbers, you know something about it. When you cannot

            express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and

 unsatisfactory kind.’

                                                            LORD KELVIN

Any questions on net immigration should be directed to David Cameron but avoid the use of numbers - they confuse him.

    ‘The Donald’ is receiving more flack than war torn Syria and he seems to thrive on it. The more condemnation of Trump’s utterings, the more votes he collects. Perhaps voters are tired of the standard position taken by most politicians – namely, to say what they believe people want to hear. Their reason is pretty straightforward. We hear the promises they make, we put our cross in their box and then appear surprised when our selected party doesn’t deliver. Dr Richard Bandler, the father of Neuro Linguistic Programming summed it up beautifully when he said, ‘if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’. Maybe that has sunk in and people are voting against the status quo rather than for Trump. And we’re still not sure if the Trump wall is to keep immigrants out or Trump in!

     The 29^th of February has arrived as I write this para so we should see plenty of ladies on their knees today as they propose marriage to their chosen. We shall also see a lot of white-faced men who used the word love casually to achieve a biblical relationship. An Irish folk tale says fifth-century nun St Brigid of Kildare began the tradition. She asked St Patrick to allow women to propose to men every leap day. He agreed and she promptly proposed to him. Caught flat- footed he managed to refuse and sought solace with the choirboys, in a platonic sense of course!

    India’s supreme court has ruled that sleep is a fundamental human right. Their actual ruling stated that’ sleep is essential for a human being to maintain the delicate balance of health necessary for it existence and survival’. Human rights judges in Brussels will be examining the ruling in detail before producing a European version. The Working Time Directive can easily be modified to contain rules about sleep periods during the working day. That said, we have dealings with staff in some companies that seem to be permanently asleep.

    A lot of our ‘gatherings’ sound like medical conferences but we had an interesting one this week. One of our number has been a bit bunged up lately but the discussion on laxatives got overtaken by a learned oration about the poop button. Paddy seems to be an expert. The so-called button is three finger widths directly below your belly button. This spot, also known as the Sea of Energy, is apparently connected to other body functions – digestive system, colon, reproductive organs. So what is the laxative process? First find the spot, three finger widths down, take deep breaths and press firmly, moving the fingers slightly. Continue for two or three minutes if necessary. Apparently the response can be quite rapid so we suggest you never try it while out shopping or in a social setting.     

    As the noise about the referendum hid most other news, the government took the opportunity to slip out their proposal on changes to probate fees. The progressive (code for increased tax) charges will be based on the value of estates and could raise as much as £250 mill for the exchequer. We often hear that death and taxes are the only certainties in life but now the government plan to ensure that taxes reach the afterlife.

    Ever wondered in which areas of the UK your surname is most popular. Wherever you now live it might relate back to your birth. If you wonder, take a look at named.publicprofiler.org. It is a bit of fun.