The EU referendum is taking centre stage as both sides gear up for the vote and for the first time we felt a tremor down at the pub. Committed federalist, Jean-Claude Juncker, says he is confident that the UK will reach a deal. Asked why he thinks this, he replied, “my knowledge is allowing me to tell you that.” The comment is far removed from his previous utterings. As a serious hint that it’s deal done he couldn’t have been clearer, and knowing his position on some of our public concerns (not necessarily the same as our politicians concerns) we wonder if his command of English has let him down. He may have confused deal with stitch up. And now we have the ‘spin kings’ suggesting that Cameron has achieved more than he has made public – rabbits from the hat time. Could we be hearing Cameron deliver a paper over cracks, Chamberlain like ‘peace in our time’ message, in the not too distant future?

    A teacher in Spain has lost his appeal against sacking from the Catholic school where he worked. He had watched porn on his computer while pupils took a 50 -minute exam, not realizing the images were projected onto a large screen behind him. He was dismissed for failure to understand the school’s teaching technology, though the unprotected sex met Catholic ideals!

    New York city has opened its first masturbation booth for stressed out men. It looks a bit like a glassless phone box and contains a chair, a laptop and a curtain to block out viewers. There is no charge for using the quaintly named GuyFi booth. There is no washbasin, so if you see a work colleague emerging from the booth remember not to shake his hand! We’re not aware of any booths in the UK though Newark would be an obvious site for one. And how about a drive through version? Some of the drivers we see on a daily basis carry the appropriate title.

    Sadly my passport isn’t due for renewal for a year or two so I’ll have to wait for the transgender variety where I can put an X instead of male or female. Maria Miller, an MP of course, informs us that 600,000 people are unsure of their gender. I’m not sure where that number comes from but logic suggests I must know one. I shall now keep a watchful eye on all my friends, looking for any hint of them changing sides. More worrying, they may be watching me so I’d best explain. I only turned up as Gerry Hall because it was a fancy dress do and I knew Rupert Murdoch needed a carer.

    If you didn’t know before, the Russian Government just confirmed it. Don’t take liberties with them. Andrei Filin was determined to maintain his position as a Pastafarian. You may remember they came to our attention last year as members of the piss taking Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They wear a colander on their head as their badge of membership. Andrei insisted on his right to wear the colander for his driving licence ID picture and the authorities finally gave approval. But the police struck back. If he gets stopped for any driving offence while not wearing his colander, his licence will be revoked. Touché!

    So-called ‘Blue Monday’ and I don’t feel as bad as I’m supposed to. It’s probably because of a piece I read in the Sunday papers saying that red wine still offers health benefits. Another ‘expert’ will state the opposite tomorrow but right now I’m bathing in the glow of Sunday’s advice. I’ve cancelled the papers for the rest of the week!

    Interesting to see that the pollsters have now decided that their failure to predict a Conservative win in the election was due to unrepresentative polling samples. The obvious question is ‘how and by whom were the samples selected’? Clearly the pollsters need to come up with their excuses as the referendum approaches or they could miss out on the biggest money-spinner for years.   

    Infertile men are now being offered a new form of treatment to stimulate sperm production. It involves a daily electric shock to the testicles. The device to deliver the shocks looks remarkably like a mobile phone and legend suggests it was invented by a group of female scientists. Others suggest that the inventors were interrogation specialists. Fortunately, we have reliable information from Tony Blair et al that British intelligence officers took no part in the testing procedures. RIP Chilcot.

    A friend and regular author has now compiled all the utterings of OLD GITS THAT LUNCH into a single volume on Kindle. He says it produced a 2015 diary of sick minds but what does he know.