The new Ikea game has been the talk of the pub but nobody has found anything more about snakes and ladders.  There have been some interesting ideas about how it may work, several of which would almost certainly result in arrest.  Escalators and stairs are the obvious ladders but snakes have defied creative thought. What the blazes can you slide down? Ideas welcomed from all age groups. We’re not sure where the rumour surfaced, be it in Europe, the States or Australia – no leads to date.  We’ll keep our eyes on the web and our ears to the ground. 

   German research has shown that 45-minute power naps can improve memory by up to five times.  Professor Mecklinger suggests that a short nap in the office or at school is enough to deliver significant improvement to the learning process.  Most of our old gits find the conclusions hard to accept.  We tend to take power naps any afternoon that we settle in a chair.  To date it doesn’t improve our memories and if we learned something more than ten minutes prior to the nap, we can’t remember it.  Most of us don’t even recall the nap.  Still, the research gives an excuse to those who need to take a break from their iPhones or Facebook whilst at work.

    Cold callers are driving us round the bend again.  They tend to come in spates, a bit like tsunamis.  The numbers are generally untraceable or withheld and many of the callers have Indian Continent accents and names like David or Richard.  Based on the names they give, I tell them I am now called Mahendra.  Their script doesn’t cover that and their uncertain reaction gives me a laugh. The scams vary; computer problems, market research, credit card misuse and rip offs in general.  The latest one, an offer to stop cold calls, has to be the best.  All they need to do is stop making the calls.  Maybe that is their offer!

    Appeal court judges have ruled that Prince Charles letters to government departments can be published.  With his well-known green credentials we had a shot at reproducing our version of one of his letters.

Dear Centrica,

As a grandfather with high hopes for his grandchildren’s future I feel you should do more to address global warming.  By reducing gas and energy supply you would encourage people to wear warm clothing rather than turning up their heating.  It may cause the deaths of more old people but that would free up accommodation to ease the housing shortage.  It would also encourage people to retire to bed earlier.  That should result in a population increase if my memory serves me.  More workers on minimum wage to toil on organic farms would be an obvious advantage.  Camilla and I retire at ten each night, have a high tog duvet and require no heating of any sort until mid morning the following day, when our staff wake us with tea and Duchy biscuits.   I hope this proves helpful.

Charles    

    It will probably come as a surprise that Tuesday was the first day of election campaigning.  All the rubbish we’ve been showered with since New Year’s Day has been foreplay.  Unlike what is generally defined as foreplay, this has lasted longer than 30 seconds and produced no promise of things to come, suicidal thoughts more likely than orgasm. We’re calling this the crystal ball election.  Not because the result is difficult to call, but simply based on the ability of each major party to give details of their opponents ‘real’ manifesto.  Cameron and Miliband specify the opposition’s plans in much greater detail than their own.  With Jeremy Clarkson in need of a new job, we’d like to see the election settled by timed laps from the party leaders, all completed in an average family saloon.  Fastest time – Prime Minister.  Slowest time - Leader of the Opposition.  Go for it JC.    

    The Archbishop of Canterbury is said to be disconsolate about Clarkson losing his position.  Can someone explain to him about the JC nickname.