A short early post with holidays beckoning.  Back to normal in mid-May.

    A bit of intrigue crept into St George’s day.  Andy Wilman, executive producer of Top Gear quit the show and within twenty-four hours had a meeting with Clarkson, May and Hammond.  Wilman has often been considered the driving force behind Top Gear and it seemed like a natural reunification of a winning team.  Had it been Easter, fans would have welcomed it more than a second coming.  We can’t help thinking a queue will form to produce a new format and wouldn’t be surprised if it included fast cars! Wilman also let it be known that the BBC always wanted Clarkson to co-present the show with a woman. We’re not convinced that would have worked but a bit of cross-dressing when the lads re-launch could add an extra dimension.  The thought of that master of sartorial elegance, James May, choosing a frock would add a million viewers in an instant. We’d suggest that the new team should include a decent chef, a self-defence instructor, a politically correct one-line writer for JC’s ad-libs and a spin-doctor, nothing to do with driving, simply to cover JC’s ass when he goes off piste. 

    Plans for the first permanent rainbow coloured Zebra crossing may have to be abandoned.  The crossing in Totnes, in support of Gay Rights, could cause problems for people with Alzheimer’s.  We could imagine it causing rather more problems for pedestrians as holidaying drivers don’t recognize it as a Zebra crossing.  Sometimes called Britain’s Alternative capital and recognized for its New Age Community, Totnes seems determined to be first in something.  What or why isn’t obvious to the average mortal.

    Nigella Lawson is about to make a comeback with a new programme on BBC.  She gets full marks from us for taking serious knocks, shaking herself down, and coming back fighting.  In addition to that, Jez can’t get enough of her dumplings!

    Like most folk our age we visit more funerals than most.  Having been to two at the same venue recently, I couldn’t help noticing familiar faces in the audience.  They appeared to have no relationship with the deceased and sat at the back of the church, well away from invitees.  They came into their own when the hymns started.  They knew the words and actually sang while many of us mumbled quietly so as not to spoil the atmosphere.  We’ve never thought of funerals as a spectator sport but this may be a growing trend.  If Facebook or Twitter ever pick it up the services will have to move to Wembley.  On reflection, it might be more fun than watching England play.

     

    We’re hearing desperately sad accounts of migrants drowning in their attempt to cross the Mediterranean in unseaworthy boats.  The EU must take action to stop the deaths.  This will prove a dilemma for EU leaders.  If those seeking a better life keep coming, there will be calls for them to be dispersed among EU countries, many of which already struggle with the flood of immigrants.  It will also encourage traffickers to lay their hands on anything that floats to increase the flood.  The only real answer will be to use EU naval resources to patrol close to the Libyan coast, their role to turn back the deathtrap vessels within easy distance of their point of departure.  Turning off the money machine will soon stop traffickers from using that route, though they will seek others.  Then the West has the problem of improving the lives of those that seek to come.  The improvements have to be made within their home countries and foreign aid won’t provide a simple solution.  Perhaps the real learning point is that the western form of democracy doesn’t sit easily within other cultures. While despising the tyrants who have ruled these countries in the past, they did provide a form of stability.  Their means of keeping control may seem unacceptable to developed countries but our promotion of an alternative has led to a blood bath which has no predictable ending.

    Nick Clegg entered the election fray this week with a comment that made us smile.  “We will add heart to a Conservative Government and a brain to a Labour one.”

    He made no comment about balls, mainly because he couldn’t offer much in that department.  Unlike Nicola Sturgeon who has come out fighting, a smile on her lips but a claymore in her hands.  The agreement round the table was that she had bigger balls than any of the other leaders’ as she demanded the keys to the treasury.  The size of the mythical testicles would require major surgery, removal of one at a time the only option.  Unfortunately, the removal of the one on the right would make her left leaning, her preference, the one on the left making her lean towards Cameron, heaven forbid.  The answer must be to suspend her from the ceiling, giving a classic hung parliament!  We’ll accept answers on a postcard about the best means of suspension.

    Reports have emerged that Bake Off presenter, Sue Perkins, has quit Twitter after death threats.  They followed the hint that she might replace Clarkson on Top Gear.  Jez quite liked the idea but his remark that ‘JC, Hammond and May never competed much on the skills of reversing and parking’ probably account for his two failed marriages.  On the other hand, Sue’s constant double-entendres on Bake Off might offend regular Top gear viwers!

    “What we hear on the doorstep” has become our political phrase of the week.  We’ve heard it spouted by politicians of every colour and wonder why no one has ever rung our front door bell.  They would be welcomed with open arms.  After all, when do we get a chance to really spell out our views?  There would be no unfairness because we don’t rate any of them.  UKIP might get an easy ride if they did a Nigel and met us in the pub, but even then it would depend on them buying their round.  As ‘researchers extraoadinaire’ we take our work seriously.  To date we have heard fourteen politicians use the phrase.  We suppose that if they use it often enough, they will eventually believe it, but they’ll be on their own in the belief.

    Payday lender Wonga has just posted a loss of £37 million.  Maybe one of the banks will lend them enough to keep going.  A 40% interest rate sounds reasonable.

    The very high salaries paid to managers in the NHS have suddenly hit the headlines.  How strange that it should take so long.  Our local hospital is rated very highly by local people, the only complaints we’ve ever heard relating to administrative mistakes.  Perhaps it’s time for a cull.  Don’t pour in more money until every ‘suit’ has been made to explain what their work delivers to patients.  Two of us worked as business consultants (a pause for all the rude jokes) and saw many over managed companies during our working lives.  In our experience, problems within an organization generally started at the top.    

    As is often the case at our ages, a visit to the doctor by one of our crowd started a discussion in the pub.  Whenever any of us go nowadays we invariably get asked if we smoke or drink.  We quite like the smoke question, giving forth an angelic Goody Two-shoes smile, as we answer no.  The drink question is more difficult, especially as they now try to get the answer in units.  That’s the bit where we start hedging, before telling outright lies that make the doctor smile. After all, one person’s unit may be different from another’s. It also raised an interesting discussion point.  When we pour a nightcap at home, what size is it?  'Enough for a bloody decent taste' received general agreement but didn’t seem particularly scientific, so we decided to do our own research. We’ve carried it out over several nights and the results are interesting.  The optimum size to produce a decent tot is 60 mls of your preferred spirit. It more than wets the bottom of the glass so to speak. One more surprising fact resulted from our research.  We’d all used the little calibrated plastic container you get with Night Nurse to measure our tots.  So the one fact we can all be certain of is, that men of a certain age all have Night Nurse in their medicine cabinet.  We’re hoping that any ‘old gits’ that read the blog can check their medicine cabinets to confirm our findings.    

    Tony Blair has decided we need his input to the election debate, though his speech sounded more like an advertising pitch for the European Union.  At least he didn’t hide his contempt for the electorate.  His statement that leaving the EU was too important to be left to a referendum made his view of the voters very clear. In his view, we’re not bright enough to make the big decisions.  Amazing how ex-politicians change when they’re not standing for office.  At least he didn’t threaten us with weapons of mass destruction again, though anything he does utter is measured against that lie.  RIP Chilcot.   

    The flight plan to deliver the atomic bomb to Hiroshima, compiled by Captain Robert Lewis, co-pilot of Enola Gay, will shortly come up for auction.  It’s an amazing document in its simplicity.  In our hi-tech world it’s easy to forget the way things were just 70 years ago. In the horror voiced about the number of civilian deaths, it is easy to forget the courage of the men who flew that mission.  Their ‘fag packet’ plan could easily have resulted in them being victims of the bomb, but it didn’t deter them. And it would be impossible to quantify the number of deaths that would have resulted if an invasion of Japan had been required to end the war in the Pacific.  It would be sad if the documents disappeared into a private collection, only to be seen in future by a select few.  They should be kept in the public arena as a tribute to those who flew the mission and a reminder of the lives they saved.

    An interesting comment from Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt caught our eye.  He thinks the crisis in the NHS is due to the pressure of an aging population.  Is there anything we’re not to blame for?  We generally have more bedrooms than we need, so we’re bed blocking in more than one way perhaps.  We also use local tradesmen to carry out jobs we used to do for ourselves, paying cash no less.  So I guess the black economy can be laid at our door. Let’s hope Viagra doesn’t result in us fathering a raft of children or we’ll be blamed for the population explosion next!     

     Channel 4 are shortly releasing a new documentary that reveals children and relationship issues are the main talking points for men in the pub.  They obviously missed all the pubs we frequent when they did their research.  Have they never heard of Clarkson?  Of all the new roles suggested for JC round our table, Pope got the most votes.  A new Popemobile by Ferrari, white smoke from wheelies in St mark’s Square, a decent pub in The Vatican.  The mind boggles.  Come on JC, put us out of our misery.  Where are you going next?

    As the election manifestos are unveiled, it reminds us of a game of poker at a meeting of Gamblers Anonymous.  None of the parties call, they all raise.  And like addicts, they haven’t a clue where the money will come from.  Is it time for a new group to be formed?  Politicians Anonymous would be a good name for the group since we’ve never heard of most of them.  Their opening line is obvious.

“My name is Joe Bloggs and I’m addicted to lying”

    Several of the lads are serious Top Gear fans so Clarkson’s current situation is generally on the agenda when we meet.  We now feel confident that we have diagnosed JC’s underlying problem.  Those who have the misfortune to hear our views have been heard to say that the outpouring is down to age.  We call it maturing rather than aging.  JC’s problem is that he is maturing faster than most of his age group.  His irreverent, politically incorrect comments tend to be milder than ours but he is moving in the right direction in speedy fashion. Can it be any surprise that he has personal go faster stripes?  For instance, any negative comment he makes about the BBC would probably be considered as praise by the old gits.  Keep maturing JC and if you need friends, the beers will be on us if you visit our local. Any form of Rosé wines might be an issue but we’ve been threatened with bans before.  There will only be one condition if you join us for a beer or three.  We don’t take kindly to our comments being criticized as extreme. 

    Fear must be growing for English voters as Nicola Sturgeon ramps up her requirements for Scotland.  We’re all beginning to wonder what the ‘No’ vote put us in line for, a debt level to challenge Greece suddenly a distinct possibility.   If the polls are even close to correct, the SNP must hold the balance of power when the dust settles in May.  Since she would only support a Labour administration, she’ll hold Ed Miliband gently by the hand, only switching to the throat if he tries to fight her demands.  Her latest comment, that increasing the pension age is unfair to Scots since they die earlier, is a classic.  Since the shorter life is generally attributed to higher rates of alcohol consumption, smoking and poor diets, that sounds like self-afflicted damage to us.  Make them eat broccoli and sprouts with their deep fried Mars bars, Nicola. It sounds like a vote winner!

    All Saints Church in Wolverhampton, my hometown perchance, set an interesting precedent last week.  They moved the Maundy Thursday service back by a day to Wednesday because it clashed with a weekly drop-in session for sex workers.  We’re not sure what happens during a drop-in session, but assumed it to be a medical expression.  The local bishop commented that the sessions were important for vulnerable women and exactly what Christian churches should be doing.  He certainly knows how to fill his churches but on the basis he likes his congregations to all join together, I wouldn’t risk closing my eyes when down on my knees!

    The Epping Ongar Vintage railway got some unwanted publicity last week when its train became the setting for steamy sex scenes in an adult movie.  The sex scene, involving a young woman dressed as a schoolgirl, has caused outrage from parents who are more used to seeing the train decorated as Thomas The Tank Engine.  Mind you, we’ve always wondered about that Fat Controller bloke!

    When the French need a scapegoat their eyes tend to turn in one direction, straight across the channel.  They seem to be blaming an increase in binge drinking by 18-25 year-olds on British youth.  Apparently, French youngsters are copying this Anglo-Saxon phenomenon.  But true to type the French call it “beuverie express”, fast-drinking.  Perhaps the possibility of English words creeping into the French language is more worrying than the trend to get legless.  At least the Élyséé Palace may get a break from the pesky media who keep raising the deficit. Cul sec, mes amis.

    It’s hard to keep Ikea off our radar.  Store bosses in China have had to ban sleepy customers from taking a nap on display beds.  Comments about snakes and ladders have died a death but sleepovers might be a great alternative.  We’ll keep an eye open for anyone in clothes that hint of nightwear or carrying an overnight bag.  Meatballs are readily available so partygoers will only need to bring the drinks!

    As the deadline approaches for the next Greek repayment to the IMF, the battle lines are being redrawn.  Alexis Tsipras will be shaking hands with Vladimir Putin today, hints of reciprocal deals to provide much needed finance coming from both parties.  At some stage the EU will have to bite the bullet.  The British are fond of Greece and the Greek people, but they were never natural members of the EU.       

    The new Ikea game has been the talk of the pub but nobody has found anything more about snakes and ladders.  There have been some interesting ideas about how it may work, several of which would almost certainly result in arrest.  Escalators and stairs are the obvious ladders but snakes have defied creative thought. What the blazes can you slide down? Ideas welcomed from all age groups. We’re not sure where the rumour surfaced, be it in Europe, the States or Australia – no leads to date.  We’ll keep our eyes on the web and our ears to the ground. 

   German research has shown that 45-minute power naps can improve memory by up to five times.  Professor Mecklinger suggests that a short nap in the office or at school is enough to deliver significant improvement to the learning process.  Most of our old gits find the conclusions hard to accept.  We tend to take power naps any afternoon that we settle in a chair.  To date it doesn’t improve our memories and if we learned something more than ten minutes prior to the nap, we can’t remember it.  Most of us don’t even recall the nap.  Still, the research gives an excuse to those who need to take a break from their iPhones or Facebook whilst at work.

    Cold callers are driving us round the bend again.  They tend to come in spates, a bit like tsunamis.  The numbers are generally untraceable or withheld and many of the callers have Indian Continent accents and names like David or Richard.  Based on the names they give, I tell them I am now called Mahendra.  Their script doesn’t cover that and their uncertain reaction gives me a laugh. The scams vary; computer problems, market research, credit card misuse and rip offs in general.  The latest one, an offer to stop cold calls, has to be the best.  All they need to do is stop making the calls.  Maybe that is their offer!

    Appeal court judges have ruled that Prince Charles letters to government departments can be published.  With his well-known green credentials we had a shot at reproducing our version of one of his letters.

Dear Centrica,

As a grandfather with high hopes for his grandchildren’s future I feel you should do more to address global warming.  By reducing gas and energy supply you would encourage people to wear warm clothing rather than turning up their heating.  It may cause the deaths of more old people but that would free up accommodation to ease the housing shortage.  It would also encourage people to retire to bed earlier.  That should result in a population increase if my memory serves me.  More workers on minimum wage to toil on organic farms would be an obvious advantage.  Camilla and I retire at ten each night, have a high tog duvet and require no heating of any sort until mid morning the following day, when our staff wake us with tea and Duchy biscuits.   I hope this proves helpful.

Charles    

    It will probably come as a surprise that Tuesday was the first day of election campaigning.  All the rubbish we’ve been showered with since New Year’s Day has been foreplay.  Unlike what is generally defined as foreplay, this has lasted longer than 30 seconds and produced no promise of things to come, suicidal thoughts more likely than orgasm. We’re calling this the crystal ball election.  Not because the result is difficult to call, but simply based on the ability of each major party to give details of their opponents ‘real’ manifesto.  Cameron and Miliband specify the opposition’s plans in much greater detail than their own.  With Jeremy Clarkson in need of a new job, we’d like to see the election settled by timed laps from the party leaders, all completed in an average family saloon.  Fastest time – Prime Minister.  Slowest time - Leader of the Opposition.  Go for it JC.    

    The Archbishop of Canterbury is said to be disconsolate about Clarkson losing his position.  Can someone explain to him about the JC nickname.