Friday 15th July - Nicola Sturgeon is at it again – what a surprise. Her suggestion that the ‘Brexiteers’ negotiate a deal that leaves Scotland in the EU was greeted with hoots in the pub. Clearly she needs help and we’re happy to give it. Let’s have another referendum on Scotland but with the English allowed to vote. With our help, given freely, she’d get her wish. Her whining is reminiscent of a clapped out bearing in a washing machine. We try oil – more devolved powers in government speak - but eventually say enough and dump the offending machine. The failing EU is a bit like a badly managed corporation tip so now might be the time to offload Nicola and her mates. Maybe the EU leaders would welcome her with open arms but after her recent visit there we wouldn’t bet on it. The Spanish minister said “testiculos” to her views – a very polite form of bollocks if my translation is correct. Keeping the Scots at home would require some work on Hadrian’s Wall. It is in a poor state of repair but we must have enough Polish builders to knock it into shape. Pro-immigration Nicola could pay for it with her oil revenues – there must be a dribble left. Scottish independence would also free up some seats in parliament.  I like this idea more by the minute. Poor old Nicola – born too late to become a proper Krankie but in prime position for the new series, Mingers! 

    Saturday 16^th July – new Prime Minister Theresa May says we can’t do too much for the brave servicemen who keep us safe and secure when the call comes. A 20-year-old Basingstoke girl seems to have taken it literally. Driven to Bulford Barracks to ‘service’ two soldiers she didn’t call a halt when two became seven. The orgy came to light after she complained about being hit on the thigh with a regimental cane, though she dropped the charges after seeing part of a video of the escapade. The soldier who used the cane has since been promoted for courage above and beyond the call of duty. As seventh man he was allowed to wear a gas mask. Waders may have been more use. We expect to see the young lady in the New Year Honours list for services to the armed forces! We’re unsure what award she will receive or where she will wear it!    

    Sunday 17^th July – where will it end - carnage in France, then an attempted coup in Turkey aimed at challenging the pro-Islamist policies of President Erdogan. The events perhaps stem from the so-called ‘Arab Spring’ and growth of ISIS. It’s too much of a coincidence to ignore. As the repercussions rumble around countries surrounding the Mediterranean, world leaders ring their hands and do little else. The only certainty associated with these events is the death of innocent people. Politicians who applauded the beginning of these insurrections should hang their heads in shame. At least a form of peace existed when these countries were managed with an iron fist by dictators, evil as they certainly were. It might be smart for European leaders to close their eyes and ears as President Erdogan re-establishes his control of Turkey.

    Luckily we still have Donald Trump to bring a smile to our faces. His new running mate, Mike Pence, is fairly openly anti-LBGT and a reaction must be forthcoming. We forecast that Trump face-masks will be best sellers at the next Gay Pride march. The sight of several thousand ‘Donalds’, dressed in pride regalia will be memorable.  

    Monday 18^th July – the rumour that Dermot O’Leary would replace Chris Evans at Top Gear has been smartly put to bed by the rumoured replacement. Good move Dermot. If the Beeb come with an offer now your price just shot up. However big the offer, it won’t be enough. It was hard enough to resurrect the programme before the dismal replacement we have just seen. Fronting it now would be like having a death wish. RIP Top Gear.

    Tuesday 19^th July – after the cataclysmic forecasts about Brexit another bunch of academic experts have produced a doomsday report about climate change. Extreme temperatures, flooding, crop destruction are just a few of their predictions for 30 years time. To look on the bright side, Monty Python like, typical pensioners, we should be able to swim in the sea just a few yards from the house and my lawn, that currently we can see growing as we watch, will be burnt to a frazzle - no more mowing. One of the authors, Professor Richard Bardgett, University of Manchester said 'this report is based on authoritative views of academics and reliable research’. I well remember the Y2K disaster predictions that experts forecast. By definition experts are often people with more data than judgment. On the other hand I get regular calls from Asian gentlemen insisting they are from Microsoft and telling me I have a problem with my computer. I assume they’re experts from Fraud R Us!