It was interesting to see the arrests made as a result of the Hatton Garden robbery.  Most of the gang is either retired or should be contemplating it by the way they limped into court. And the shouts of “speak up, we can’t hear you” as they were charged, made it seem like a television comedy. The blag seemed more like a pensioners weekend away rather than a major crime. But never forget these old guys abseiled down a lift shaft. I hope they were being sponsored! Hopefully they can get hip replacements while serving at Her Majesty’s pleasure.  Video of the way the job was carried out must have given the police clues.  The construction skills the crooks used to gain entry showed real artesan skills, the old fashioned apprenticeship type, not the sort you get from under 50’s. The robbery took an entire weekend suggesting an error in their planning. The elderly gang members could easily have forgotten why they were there. Sadly the gang won’t be around for many years if you’re thinking of adding an extension.  You can be sure they would have done a first class job, even if they burgled all your immediate neighbours while they were doing it!  It’s a shame they didn’t go into banking.  With their ingenuity they could have ripped off millions with no threat of prison.

    After a series of incidents involving forgotten weapons, training is being introduced to teach armed US Capitol officers in Washington DC to use public toilets without leaving their guns behind. All of us know the relief of finding and using a public toilet when you get taken short, but leaving your gun behind suggests euphoria rather than relief.  One of our lads once left his underpants and shirt in the ladies, but that’s a different story. The length of the training sessions hasn’t been released. Will it be a one-day training course or could it take longer?  We assume it will include role -playing with CCTV analysis, guaranteed to go viral if ‘leaked’ to the web. (Sorry) An obvious issue will arise if the officer receiving training doesn’t need to go to the toilet.  To ensure reality, laxatives will have to be issued at the start of every course.  And if they remember their weapons, what might they forget?  We have visions of officers leaving the toilet, ‘weapon in hand’ so to speak (sorry again) but dress misplaced.  And heaven forbid they forget to use the paper while searching for their guns.               

    What a test match?  Cook 100 and plenty, Stokes 101, the fastest ever at Lords, as England fought to a win.  We were reminiscing in the pub.  Does anyone remember a bloke called Pietersen who used to score a few for England?  We seem to recall a few voices calling for his reselection, but compared to these youngsters he doesn’t have a lot to offer.  And he needed to score bundles to make up for his stodgy fielding! The loudest voice shouting for Pietersen was a chap who used to edit The Mirror, Piers something.  All the telephone hacking by Mirror reporters must be a hell of a surprise to him. These egos come and go don’t they.

    We thought the world had gone crazy when the police went mob handed to shoot a cow that strayed in Wallsend, Northumbria. An eyewitness said the cow was unarmed. Locals decided to outdo the police nonsense by holding a candlelit vigil for the deceased cow. I said last week that however cynical you become, it’s hard to keep up.  A very beautiful blue tit committed suicide by flying into my conservatory window yesterday. The vigil is planned for next weekend. Please bring your own candles.  If you can’t make the vigil, just click on the respect page on Facebook.  All attendees at the vigil will receive counseling from a resident psychologist plus a free attempt to shoot one of the grey squirrels that are plaguing the garden. Prizes will be awarded for multiple squirrel kills! The first prize is an opportunity to spend a day fox hunting, drag of course.

    The cyclist who knocked down a toddler while cycling on the pavement is complaining that his life has been destroyed by the negative publicity.  If the incident hadn’t been captured on camera he would have ridden away without a second thought.  The 23 year-old had been cycling on the pavement because of heavy traffic.  Obviously worried about inconsiderate motorists!  What a shame he didn’t hit a bloke.  He could have continued his journey wearing his bike.