A recent survey identified 50 signs of success in life, so inevitably we tried to work out how well we’d done.  The first 9 left us with no score but number 10 gave us a chance.  It was a wine cellar.  Five of us imbibe wine frequently.  We settled on frequently after some pointless discussion about units.  None of us has a cellar because the wine doesn’t last long enough to be laid down.  Eventually we gave ourselves half a point.  We didn’t get another chance until number 19.  This was an orchard in your garden.  Between us we have plums, apples and pears that we share, so another half point.  24 was a wet room and that caused some disagreement.  Two of us had wet rooms until we had the conservatory roof repaired.  That produced slippage since conservatory is at 27 but we stole a point anyway.  We all went blank at 43, a lazy Susan.  Jez said he didn’t know anybody called Susan!  49 cheered us up.  Being on first name terms with the pub landlord was a winner for us.  We scored ten points on that one, even with our local landlord insisting we call him sir.  Well, based on the survey we’re a bunch of failures, but we would love to meet anybody who scored more than twenty just to get their brain scanned for signs of life.

    Domestic godess, Nigella Lawson, has been showing US television viewers what she’s made of during her judging of the cookery competition Taste.  She described the view as a décolletage failure, code for more out than in. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without her.  When I saw the pictures, it reminded me that with the entire family to feed I had better order two turkey crowns!

    Stargazing Conservative MP, David Tredinnick, is still delivering his beliefs via Uranus. His latest homily on the use of homeopathic remedies received a well-targeted broadside from leading scientist Robert Winston.  Labeling the MP’s support for homeopathic remedies as “lunatic”, Winston went further by adding that he can’t believe that Tredinnick can sit on the Commons Health Committee.  The old gits sit firmly behind Winston.  Homeopathy is a belief supported by legend but not science.  There are no double blind trials on any homeopathic products and none  are planned.  Believers insist they are unnecessary since word of mouth results prove their efficacy.  On that basis, the queue for colonic irrigation should be getting longer by the minute. “This will improve your wellbeing, sir but take a deep breath while we insert the tube.” We have to assume that the placebo effect has passed unnoticed by believers in homeopathy.  In the dim and distant, we called it our youth, GP’s were allowed to dispense placebo to patients.  Most produced excellent results.  Come on Tredinnick, get the double blind trials set up if you want us to listen.

    If we believe the media, and we have a standard approach of divide by ten to most of the headlines, we have two major issues in the UK; one is starving people, the other is obesity.  No wonder old timers like us think the country has gone mad. Food banks seem to be on the increase, as are the numbers using them.  There can be no surprise at that.  As more free food becomes available, more people will turn up at their door.  It’s human nature to look for bargains and you can’t do better than free.  All this media chatter follows a Black Friday when people fought over discounted televisions! We’re in favour of helping those in genuine need but cynically await the next headline.

OBESE BLAME FREE FOOD BANKS FOR THEIR PROBLEM EATING

    With Christmas approaching, this made me laugh.  A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  Polite words and soft music produced no improvement in the birds behaviour. If he yelled at the parrot. it yelled back. In desperation, the young man grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, the young man opened the door to the freezer. The parrot stepped out onto his outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. May I ask what the turkey did?"