Saturday 15^th October – has ‘The Donald’ finally blown it as women come out of the woodwork with alleged assaults? With no time to examine and challenge the allegations Trump has to let them run and fight them any way he can. That guarantees a fascinating final debate with Hilary. Bill Clinton might want use earplugs and under no circumstances smoke a cigar.  And what a brilliant diversion to suggest drug tests before the debate? It would finally reduce the election of the most powerful person on the planet to a sporting event. At least that would strike a chord with the millions worldwide that view politicians with distaste.

    Sunday 16^th October – back to the real world at last. A bloke in Honduras has had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck in a bottle for four days. When it went black and began to rot he finally overcame his embarrassment and went to hospital. The surgeon who performed the operation has repositioned the urethra so that the patient can urinate. With no information about the repositioning you wouldn’t want to stand next to him in the urinal, especially if you were wearing decent shoes. I see him as another victim of the switch from glass bottles to the everlasting plastic. He could have smashed a glass one!

    Britain and the US are considering economic sanctions against Russia over bombings in Aleppo. At least they have stopped murmuring about the gross stupidity of ‘no fly’ zones that would be likely to lead to shooting war. Typically, they are too late in stepping up to the plate. While they dithered, Putin acted and he has been on the front foot ever since. That’s unlikely to change and the final scenario will involve Assad in power over at least a part of Syria and Russia with a base in Syria.

    Tuesday 18th October – a Russian fleet seems to be heading for the English Channel en-route for the Eastern Mediterranean to support Assad in Syria. Instead of shadowing it with naval ships and aircraft I suggest that P&O and Cunard pull all their cruise liners into The Channel. Passengers would almost certainly pay a premium to escort the heavily armed fleet. It would also give Entertainment Managers the opportunity to organize great British ‘sailaways’ throughout daylight hours. Pop music combined with passengers singing Rule Britannia and waving plastic flags would cause more embarrassment to the warships than anything our armed forces can muster.   

    Tuesday 11^th October – I must be feeling a touch better. I’m sitting with my PC on my lap shouting abuse at politicians on the television.

    The destruction of Aleppo is an offence to the human race but one with an inevitable end. The opposition fighters of whatever group will continue to hold positions within densely populated civilian areas. That way they try to win public support since Assad’s forces, Putin backed, will inevitably kill civilians as they drive to take Aleppo. And they will take Aleppo, while the western world wrings its hands and shouts foul in various guises. Then we have Boris Johnson calling for demonstrations outside the Russian embassy. The call is sure to be taken up – left wing groups like their demonstrations. When they occur I suggest that the British Embassy in Russia quickly place an order for tin hats since the Russians won’t take it lying down. In England, our police will have the task of controlling the demonstration/s. Does anybody believe that Russian police will do the same. To whom can we turn to protect us from politicians?  

    While on the subject of politicians, we now have another bunch of clowns hiding in dark places before leaping out to scare the living daylights of any passer by. A simple solution would be to allow drivers two clowns each on their current licence. They would quickly become a threatened species.

    Thursday 29^th September – Jonathon Dunne, the man behind the Tube Chat badges has been surprised by the reaction of travellers. He thinks it is a great idea to wear the badge to encourage people to chat on the tube as they travel to and from work. Four out of five offered the badge refused point blank but he is not easily put off and has ordered another delivery to prove the point. A card handed out with each badge tells people they will ‘benefit from a daily chat’. Our experience of rush hour travel on the tube doesn’t suggest that chat would improve things. You share bodily contact with total strangers, odours of unidentifiable types and pushing and shoving at every stop. Approached by a smiling stranger, tapping his/her badge with a finger and suggesting a chat could get some interesting results. We are currently investing in some badges that we plan to hand out. The message is simple. SPEAK TO ME AT YOUR OWN RISK.

    Monday 3^rd October – hit by so far unidentified illness. Whatever it is it has flattened me so no blog this week. Hope to be back next week.

    Friday 23^rd September – Francois Hollande is talking tough about the Calais ‘jungle camp’, vowing to close it and relocate the inhabitants in weeks. They will be transferred to reception centres around France as their cases are examined. Migrants who do not seek asylum will be deported. It is not often that we agree with the French President but in this he is absolutely correct. If migrants do not seek asylum they have no right to stay in France or to move on to another European country. If Hollande walks the talk it will send a clear message to migrants who are travelling the length of Europe to target their ‘preferred countries. If the migrants begin to understand that failure to claim asylum in the first safe country they reach will result in immediate deportation the dangerous sea journeys might cease.

     Saturday 24^th September – a woman in Moscow has been killed by a tram.  She stood in the middle of the tram tracks to look at her phone and we hope she received a happy message since it was to be her last. Clearly she hadn’t downloaded the ‘beware the tram’ app!!

    In an interview with Andrew Marr earlier in September Owen Smith said he was 100% sure he could win the Labour leadership. With the polls saying mission impossible we wondered which cloud he lived on. After his massive win, Corbyn told Smith they were part of the same Labour family. We feel fairly sure that JC views Smith like the relative nobody mentions when talking about their family.   

    Sunday 25^th September – Scotland is famous for many things but we’ve had some doubts about their deep fried delicacies – Mars bars, etc. But the latest one we’ve seen has to be the weirdest – deep fried pizza. It seemed unimaginable but a taste might change your mind – but only a tiny taste. It seems sure to catch on and reduce life expectation even further in Scotland.

    Hundreds of skinny dippers bared all and dashed into the freezing North Sea in Northumberland this morning. The annual event is a fund-raiser for the charity MIND and the event is now in its fifth year. The charity gives first class support to those with mental problems and may be required to give aid in future to anybody who skinny dips in the North Sea on a regular basis.

    Monday 26^th September – Clinton v Trump became insignificant as conspiracy sites reported that asteroid 2009ES was on course to collide with earth. The 10-mile wide asteroid would strike earth with the force of three billion nuclear bombs. There’s a thought. But rest easy, the conspiracy theorists got it wrong and the asteroid passed by without causing a ripple. NASA claims to have detected about 97% of the ‘planet killer’ asteroids and say that no large object is likely to strike earth in the next several hundred years. Since that threat has gone we can get back to the big debate. With the polls suggesting a close run thing, will ‘The Donald’ be the biggest asteroid to strike in the near future. Perhaps the real decision for the American people is much simpler. Clinton will offer more of the same while Trump offers change.

    Tuesday 27^th September – we can’t keep ‘The Jungle’ in Calais out of the news. Reports that female aid workers are travelling there for sex generated a few smiles in the pub. We’re on the lookout for the first of those box number ads from men seeking women.

Young man 16-24 approx. seeks a woman from the UK for friendship and perhaps more. He has his own home, fully waterproofed in a pleasant French seaside town. He enjoys socializing and regular strolls along the local motorways to view freight transport. Age is no barrier to the right woman who would like to meet a man with high energy levels.

Ben summed it up quite well. “Maybe these so called aid workers have the wrong definition of relief.”

    Mathias Doepfner, German Chief Executive of publishing giant Axel Springer, says that in the medium term the UK will be a highly attractive alternative to the EU. Freedom to implement a talent-oriented immigration policy would have a positive effect on the UK economy. Nice one Mathias.

    Thursday 15^th September – Prince Charles has had a run in with a deer on the Queen’s Royal Deeside estate. His Audi was badly damaged and the Prince somewhat shaken up. Prince Philip was unimpressed. Stalking and clean shots are the only way to kill deer. Using a car gives an unfair advantage.

    Jean-Claude Juncker has announced his plans to install free WiFi in public spaces across the EU, abolish data roaming fees and enable 5G connectivity for everyone. He’ll teach us the downside of voting Brexit. We’re waiting for Theresa May to announce free bars in hotel bedrooms in the UK, but only for UK patrons. Next.

    Friday 16^th September – 110-years-old and going strong. Grace Jones from Worcestershire has shared her secret of longevity – it’s whisky. She has a nightcap – Famous Grouse – every night and has done so for the last sixty years. Anybody like to do a straight swap with several bottles of decent vodka! At least Adrian has a smile. If a single whisky nightcap gives you 110 years he probably thinks he’ll live forever

    Saturday 17^th September – massive marches took place in seven German cities, against the EU’s planned trade pacts with the US and Canada. The mounting public backlash against the bloc’s trans-Atlantic trade policies is gathering pace. Brexit is looking more attractive as each week passes. But still the ‘Remainers’ bleat about a second referendum. Tim Farron, the LibDem leader was at it again asking for a second referendum on the final deal. He doesn’t seem to understand that we won’t know the final deal until it has been signed off. Still, we can put that down to incompetence. Then we have Owen Smith’s position. The potential Labour leader believes we should reapply to join the EU if Labour win the next election. We’re beginning to believe that pigs really may fly in our lifetime.

    Sunday 18^th September – if you see something dog paddling in the sea around the British coast, don’t panic. It’s probably Nigel Farage, and with luck he’ll be wearing his underpants. De-mob happy before his final speech at the UKIP conference, him and Aaron Banks the UKIP financial backer, reinforced by a few drinks, stripped off for a swim. Banks said skinny-dipping but Nigel insists he kept his pants on. We can only hope an extra bottle of wine doesn’t lead him to discard them next time.

    Monday 19^th September – the EU army seems to be creeping closer as France and Germany agree that a permanent strategic HQ should be established in Brussels. But with the UK still a member, we can block any proposal to form the army. It sounds like another trade off for Brexit. And the thought of a military run by the EU almost guarantees the order Ready – Fire – Aim based on their decision-making precedents.

    The LBGT traffic light filters installed near Trafalgar Square for gay pride week are here to stay according to Transport for London. Age Concern believe a second sign should be added showing elderly couples supporting each other rather than holding hands. This is due to seeing elderly people peering at the green signs but refusing to cross as they are unsure what message the lights are giving. LBGT training courses for the over 70’s will shortly be introduced in Central London to resolve the problem. There will be no practical work on the courses.

    Tuesday 20^th September – ex-soldiers yesterday completed a 22km march through New York to raise awareness about the 22 vets and soldiers that take their own lives each year. They are trying to shed light on PTSD and the effect of it on many former soldiers. The US is not alone in the lack of support offered to those who served their country. Those who marched towards the sound of battle deserve on going support, whatever the cost, as they try to return to normality back at home. At the same time the UK government should put a stop to the spurious allegations made against our soldiers for events in the Iraq war. Most of them are based on word of mouth, mainly unsupported, but with the simple aim of receiving money for so called compensation. Wars don’t end with the last shot fired.

    A woman in Barnstaple, Devon accidently rang the police in Barnstaple, Massachusetts to report a car accident near Ilfracombe. The US cop showed a great sense of humour by telling her the response time would be about six hours! The lady in question raged about the irresponsible motorist who caused the accident but her grasp of technology may make her account questionable.