We have recently been introduced to Vargic’s Miscellany of Curious Maps. It offers great statistics in map form. We’ve found it interesting to look at several statistics to see if we can find relativities.

e.g. The ladies with the largest boobs tend to come from Russia, with the southern states of the USA a close second. It seemed logical to check if the big boobs attracted well-endowed men. They didn’t.  In fact, both areas came well down the list in terms of size, fourth place in the world to be exact, and a similar size in inches! It seems logical to assume that Russia and the southern states of the USA have some unhappy ladies and some of the most embarrassed men. ‘Show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ can only end in disaster for both parties. It comes as no surprise that both geographical areas have the highest divorce rates. As we expected, the UK is middle of the road, with C cup women and 5.5inch men. Never has half an inch seemed so important! Seeing the world in cartographical terms is quirky but great fun. It also helps when you’re choosing holiday venues. For its interesting history and architecture we’re considering St Petersburg again this year. Honestly, we love antiquities.

    We’ve never cruised with AIDA, but any that have and sought medical help will be asking questions now. A doctor who has been treating passengers and crew for five years has been exposed as a fake. The names of the ships he worked on are being kept under wraps, but any ladies who had to strip when they saw the doctor with seasickness might now understand why!

    The Welsh Government has proposed a law that makes people go through a ‘cooling off’ period before having a tattoo; it could become a criminal offence to tattoo somebody who was drunk. Sad really, since shopping has become more interesting as crop tops and hipster jeans reveal memorable tattoos. Many of them challenge your creativity as you try to work out where they begin and end, let alone what they represent. Our winner to date is a large young woman who appeared to have a grape vine emerging from between the cheeks of her bottom. We can only guess where the grapes are at present. We estimate that with normal ‘southwards aging’ we should be able to identify the grape variety within ten years.

    In the first Saudi municipal elections in which women were allowed to vote the ladies have won seats, at least four. We’re not sure how voters will recognize their elected members, but that’s not much different from the UK where they don’t hide their faces.

    A suspected drink driver in Tadcaster ran from his car and tried to hide in a Nativity scene built in a large shed. We tried to work out what role he assumed. Clearly not a wise man, he may have been fooled by the message ‘Jesus Saves’. Apparently it doesn’t apply to driving licences.

    After calls for an ambulance went unanswered, a woman in South Delhi gave birth in an Uber taxi after it got stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital. The woman’s family asked the taxi driver to name the child and he did - Uber. On reflection, it sounds slightly better than Ambulance!

    Before Tim Peake blasts into space he may have to bow to the superstition surrounding the launch. Yuri Gagarin stopped the bus on the way to his launch and had a pee on the back right wheel. That impressed us since our nerves would have demanded a release from the other exit. Ever since, astronauts have continued the act as superstition demands. Whilst the superstition is associated with Gagarin, many believe it began with Laika, the stray dog that flew in Sputnik 2, but cocked her leg on the way to the launch.

    When Angela Merkel made her ‘all welcome’ speech about refugees she thought it would raise her already high profile. It did, but not in the way she expected. As her popularity plummets she has been forced to rethink her position. In a speech at the Christian Democrat conference she finally said that the time had come to ‘dramatically decrease’ the number of migrants coming to Germany. She repeated her call for a unified European response, code for quotas. That won’t happen. She took the cork out of the bottle and they never fit as well when you try to replace them.

    We hadn’t seen or heard of The Tremeloes since we shook a leg to them in the sixties. As soon as their names came up we managed an accurate but tuneless rendering of Yellow River and Here Comes my Baby. It is probably due to our age that we even remembered the words. Why did their names come up? Because two of them have been accused of indecently assaulting a girl in 1968. Not a typing error – 1968! A photograph of the two accused, Rick Westwood and Leonard Hawkes, showed two old blokes who could have been on a pensioners outing to the shops. We tried to recollect anything any one of us did in 1968. As a group, we couldn’t think of one specific event from that year – no surprise really. So what will the police use as evidence against this pair, apart from what they’re told by the accuser. The only certainty is that Westwood and Hawkes reputations will be damaged even if the case is dropped. Since the Jimmy Savile events came to light, accusers of old stars have crept out of the woodwork. Over half the accusations have held no water but the mud will stick. It’s time the accusers were made as public as the accused.

    The Siberian city of Novosibirsk had its moment of fame last week. A former soldier, whose wife was a glamorous member of the Kremlin’s United Russia Party, brought their sex in the back seat of her car to an explosive climax by pulling the pin on a grenade. The world moved for both of them, but they were in no shape for a post sex cigarette. 

    An interesting new trend has begun for users of The Underground system in London. A group called Overweight Haters Limited is handing out cards to people on the stations that they perceive as fat – only women as far as we can ascertain. The postcard has the single word FAT on one side and a lengthy message about why they hate Fatties on the other. British Transport police are investigating the handouts that have upset recipients. The company named on the cards isn’t registered at Companies House (there’s a surprise) but it raises interesting possibilities. Getting knocked from pillar to post in the rush for a tube isn’t unusual, shouting as trolleys are rammed into your ankles in supermarkets and people letting doors go to swing into you are daily events, so why not a card for that. We thought hard about the key word, INCONSIDERATE obvious but far to long for a postcard. We finally settled on WANKER, short and to the point. So think about your behavior in future or some tosser may hand you the latest card.

    Aveiro, in Portugal, must have something in the water to promote long and very active life. A 91-year-old woman appears to have suffocated during a sex game with her 49-year-old neighbour. Her death is believed to be a tragic accident, though the victim wore a broad smile. A neighbour said the 49-year-old often went to the old ladies house to do odd jobs. We couldn’t have put it better ourselves!

    Pope Francis began The 29^th Holy Year with a call to set aside ‘fear and dread’. With the Vatican airspace closed, a ban on the transport of petrol, gas, weapons, explosives and fireworks in Rome, machine guns in the streets, he clearly isn’t relying on prayer.

    Baba Vanga, a blind Bulgarian clairvoyant is said to have predicted the rise of ISIS (Daesh). The lady died 20 years ago but followers claim her predictions proved highly accurate, the Boxing Day tsunami and global warming as examples. Almost forty years ago she predicted a ‘great Muslim war’ and the establishment of a caliphate that would have Rome as its capital. Maybe the Pope is taking note of the ‘Nostradamus from the Balkans’ and has taken the first steps to protect his domicile.

    Chief Medical Officer, Sally Davies is at it again. She’s now calling for flexible working hours and arrangements for menopausal women. We see it as sexist since several of us shared the menopause with our wives and suffered accordingly. But we agree with her on one thing. Apparently she likes a decent drop of wine.

    Donald Trump continues to offend as he fights for the republican nomination – or does he? A radio phone-in in Ohio about his ban Muslims from the USA received overwhelming support. It poses an interesting dilemma for his opponents. His views are extreme but are they at odds with voters?  And if he wins – what then?

    The Venerable Karen Gorham, The Church of England’s latest woman bishop is a strong advocate of naturism, though she stopped hanging out, too pert maybe, in her youth. As congregations reduce she may be just the person needed to reverse the trend. Calendar Girls have recently stripped off again to produce a 10^th anniversary calendar – only six of them this time so it looks like being a short year. So why not a C of E calendar – with only eight female bishops, some of the blokes will have to chip in, The Archbishop of Canterbury an obvious choice. And why not go the whole hog - have naked services. The pew seats will be a bit cool during the winter but that should help singers to hit high notes during hymns. Another obvious benefit is that eyes will certainly close during prayer when people in the pew directly in front of you kneel to pray. Go for it Karen, it’s in your hands or maybe your bra.      

    A mate had to go for a prostate examination a few days ago and his GP tried to get him to relax by talking about one of their nurses with a well-developed sense of humour. As he left the examination room after completing a prostate examination, the nurse followed him in to do a blood pressure. He heard her say to the patient “who was that bloke?” They had to give the patient a drink and sit him down for an hour before they could do his blood pressure!

    We’ve seen a piece of research from the University of Waterloo, in Ontario, that makes us wonder even more how funding is obtained for some projects. Their controversial study on babies exposed to marijuana in the womb suggests it improves some forms of vision for the child, namely their ability to track moving objects. By the time they are teenagers, we’re guessing that the objects that become clearer move at speed through space and little green men can clearly be seen through the windows. Thanks for teaching them good habits, mum!

    Tyson Fury beat the odds and Wladimir Klitschko to win the world heavyweight title in Germany. Gypsy Tyson is said to prefer a caravan to a mansion but he should be able to find somewhere legal to park it. On reflection, if he parked it on my lawn I wouldn’t be in a hurry to tell him to move it!

    Great news from the Ministry of Justice - over a hundred prisoners left their cells to take driving lessons or tests last year. Prisons Minister, Andrew Selous, tried to ease the pain by saying the jails only made a contribution to the cost of lessons if prisoners couldn’t afford it. We’re pleased to be making a tax contribution to training the next generation of getaway drivers. At least the police will be able to track them safely since they should obey speed limits and give clear signals before turning. The other positive we identified - if one of these drivers steals your car they might drive it carefully - before they torch it, that is!

    John McDonnell, Shadow Chancellor and number one supporter of Jeremy Corbyn, decided to use Mao’s Little Red Book when making his rambling attack on the November financial review. Mao had a lot to say, quote:

            A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or painting a picture

or doing embroidery; it cannot be so refined, so leisurely and gentle,

so temperate, kind, courteous, restrained and magnanimous.  A revolution

is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another.

Thanks John – we think we know where you are coming from. At a guess you’ll vote against bombing IS in Syria but might not be so restrained if the vote was on bombing Knightsbridge.

    We think November has become transgender month. It could only be a matter of time before Government got involved. A Whitehall guide on how to treat transgender employees and customers is now available. It includes a glossary of terms and practical advice on how to treat both transgender and transitioning individuals. It also states that transgender people in gyms or pubs should be able to choose a bathroom or changing room “appropriate to the gender in which they present”. We imagine that could cause some confusion at fancy dress parties! Transgender individuals should be treated with respect and allowed to quietly get on with their lives. It takes government and people with agendas to make it into a big deal.