Friday 29^th July – just heard Jamie Oliver promoting his new book on radio. Is this the same Jamie Oliver that threatened to leave the UK if we voted Brexit? Go promote your book in Brussels Jamie.

    Only an Australian could come up with the idea of a Bourbon Burgel. Think of a well-stacked burger with a circular hole in the top bun – burger meets bagel – get it? Then insert a decent shot glass of Bourbon in the hole. There you have it. We’re not sure if you measure the potential body damage in calories or units. The idea has to spread with the Scots next to have a go. Their Hagmar will replace the beef patty with haggis and the Bourbon with a deep fried mars bar. It would soon replace pie and beans as the delicacy of choice in Scotland. Krankie Sturgeon would immediately demand legislation from Brussels to protect the Hagmar from copies. Understandable since the French economy is, to use financial technical terms, in shit order and they may try modify their Nagburgers to grab market share.

    Saturday 30^th July – Stephen Hawking is making Cameron’s apocalyptic threats about Brexit pale into insignificance. Without co-operation, collaboration and sharing of wealth we could be moving towards the end of our species he suggests. Self interest rules I’m afraid, Stephen.

    If you’re waiting for the second coming you’ve missed the boat. Jesus Christ is alive and well, living in Burnley. He used to be known as John Birtwhistle but the name didn’t give credence to the bus-driving healer, so he changed it by deed poll. Having accepted his role as the Son of God he fears a second crucifixion since it would worsen his shingles. He now plans to become the next MP for Burnley. His manifesto includes free bus passes for anyone over 60. We assume he’s based that policy on Corinthians 9:15. We’re hoping he attempts the feeding of the 5000 at a home match at Burnley football ground. That will actually involve two miracles. The first will be the ability of Hollands Pies (hollandspies.co.uk) to produce five thousand of their great steak pies in a single day and the second will be getting that many spectators for a home match at Burnley.

    Sunday 31^st July – Pope Francis has set up a commission to study the potential for women to become deacons of the Roman Catholic Church. Deacons are one rank below priests and can officiate at weddings, preach, preside over funerals but not celebrate mass. They are not forced to practice celibacy unless they plan to become priests. Perhaps a first step of women becoming deacons may lead to them becoming priests. And the big step? Celibacy has been a major cross to bear for the church, plagued by sexual imprudence of every shade. Perhaps Pope Francis will prove to be the leader who takes them into the 21^st Century.

    Monday 1^st August – Joshua Hare was found naked in a car park near Homebase in Swindon. Hiding his drugs was at a premium but lack of clothes a serious issue. Undeterred he tried to hide 7 grams of cocaine under his foreskin! Hare, Big Josh to close friends, was thought to be on his way to Homebase to buy materials to build a truss!

    Tuesday 2^nd August – there have been numerous concerns raised about the quality of water around Rio de Janeiro as the Olympics are about to start. Now an analysis of government data and testing suggests that Rio’s air is far from perfect, particulate matter from exhaust fumes the major culprit. Japanese tourists wear face masks around cities during normal times so it will be interesting to watch their athletes in Rio.

    It had to happen. A Pikachu statue appeared overnight in New Orleans. Authorities will probably remove it but stand by for the flood of other statues. At least New Orleans can claim a first.