So Cameron is back and trumpeting his new deal with the EU. We’re hoping someone will spell out the details in the near future since nothing stands out. The ‘in’ position seems to be the risk of leaving rather than the changes that have been agreed. If that remains their case it simply reinforces the lack of success in the negotiations. If we’d always avoided risk, in 1944 for instance, the Germans would be in total control of Europe. Whoops, for a second I forgot, they already are. Oh for a Churchill when you need one. Someone called Cameron, Churchill Light the other day. If only he was that close to the real thing. And now he’s taken a very public and extremely snide shot at Boris Johnson for joining the ‘out’ campaign. That shows a side of his character that we hadn’t seen before – inability to cope with a setback is a serious weakness in a leader. Interestingly, all the major European newspapers see Johnson’s support for ‘out’ as a major boost for that team so maybe that’s Cameron’s real concern.  Hopefully, in the weeks that follow we shall see some factual debate to support one side or the other. If not, we’ll be having a finger in the air decision about the most fundamental decision of a lifetime. 

    The fatwa on Salman Rushdie just got increased to $600,000. He should launch another book asap. He could never raise a marketing budget that large through normal events. The concensus in the pub is that the exchange rate means the reward not quite high enough yet!! If it reaches a mill Rushdie may need to steer clear of the areas we frequent.

    We’re not sure if it’s kosher, but what purports to be a copy of a receipt for a six-night stay and treatment in a USA hospital is circulating the web. At just north of $55,000 (£38K in real money) it is an eye opener for those who complain about our NHS. It included charges for the operating room, the emergency room and the recovery room. We kept looking for charges for the bathroom since the individual that got the bill would certainly crap him or herself.      

    Jai Dara Latto (It’s her real name) had a short-lived spell as Miss Transgender in the UK. Stripped of her title for not living full-time as a woman she has lost the prize of £10,000 of surgery in India. Losing the title was inevitable after she was seen working out in the gym wearing boxers and a tee shirt. The solution is for the competition to have a naked stage though it seems likely there would be more testicles on show than in the male showers.

    Scientists say that the worsening floods in American coastal communities are down to our production of greenhouse gases. Currently the floods are routinely dealt with but the US National Academy of Sciences states that we’re getting signs of things to come. They forecast sea level rises of 2/3 feet over the 21^st Century. Emerging economies will demand their right to growth, making the unarguable point that developed countries never had limits on their use of fossil fuels. So we need another solution in the immediate term. Yet all that we hear national leaders pontificating about are greenhouse gases. When will they think outside the box and take some immediate action to buy time?

     The North Middlesex Hospital in Edmonton got so jammed with patients this weekend that they took emergency action. They made a loudspeaker announcement at 11p.m asking anyone without a life-threatening illness to go home, adding that the wait to see a doctor could be eight hours. It must have led to some interesting discussions between patients as they tried to assess their conditions. Diagnose a Friend classes will shortly be introduced at the hospital.  Even more interesting would be the confusion of immigrants who didn’t understand the broadcast message. Net immigration last year was 330,000, slightly more than the population of Coventry. Neither the NHS nor the Education system can cope. It has nothing to do with xenophobia, racism or lack of moral compass. It is simply a matter of numbers. In the meantime, sign up for the nearest ‘Diagnose a Friend’ class. You may need it sooner than you think!

    Media reports that American Intelligence Services tapped the phones of former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi got a rapid reaction. The Italian foreign ministry summoned the US ambassador for discussions. They were satisfied when US sources confirmed that they only wanted a copy of phone numbers in his little black book!      

    A truck driver in Wisconsin came up with a great excuse after failing a breath test. He put it down to the beer battered fish he ate for lunch. The police didn’t buy it, maybe because of the open beer in his cab and the fact he’d been caught drink driving nine times before. Nice try though.

    When I posted last week’s blog I forgot it was Ash Wednesday so no calls for any of you to fast. Not that it affects our crowd as we’re all over 59 (18 - 59 is the fasting age range). Others who get a free pass are either pregnant, nursing or sick and we score on two of those. If any of our crowd manages the third exclusion, we can look forward to a second coming. But to show willing we have decided not to eat in any five star restaurants throughout Lent.

    American presidential elections have never been big topics in the pub but whatever you think of Trump and Sanders (they sound like a music hall act when written like that – coincidence maybe?) they have raised our interest in the current race. We’ve even taken a look at Bernie Sanders new ad and think Hilary should be a little worried. Cynically, we find it hard not to be when talking about politicians, it’s a strong pitch for the black vote, but as ads go, this one is hard to ignore.

    Valentine’s Day has come and gone unless you live in South Korea. They have three Valentine’s Days – one for men, one for women and a third one for those who didn’t find love. The so-called Black Day falls on April 14 and singletons are expected to wear dark colours and commiserate with others in a similar situation. In the UK the 14^th April is likely to be called Mingers Day.

     The Russian anti-doping agency Rusada, heavily criticized by world athletics, seems a dangerous place to have worked. Disgraced former head, Nikita Kamayev, felt chest pains while cross country skiing and died suddenly, probably due to a massive heart attack. People close to him were unaware of any heart problems. His death comes ahead of a visit by inspectors from world athletics governing body to evaluate Russian anti-doping efforts. No inconvenient questions for Nikita then. I wonder if he glows in the dark?

    Shane Warne is earning a few dollars by appearing in the Australian version of ‘I’m a Celebrity, get Me Out Of Here’ and he’ll say whatever it takes to stay in. His comments on humans evolving from monkeys with the help of aliens got the audiences attention. It also gave an insight into his bowling. No human being could turn it like that. It raised another question. What did he whisper in Liz Hurley’s ears during their intimate moments? Maybe he has a view on how aliens have sex, though our memories of ET don’t recall the appropriate physiology.  Perhaps ‘phone home’ passed through his mind.

    The recently published letters from Pope John Paul II show an interesting relationship between him and a close friend, Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka. There is no suggestion it was a sexual relationship, but the letters could certainly be described as loving. Perhaps the 21^st Century is the time for the Roman Catholic Church to seriously review its doctrine on celibacy. Numerous priests have been caught in the act so to speak, as the modern world refuses to turn the blind eye that was the norm 30 years ago. And those are just the cases that have come to light. Why should a priest in a loving or married relationship perform his duties less dutifully than one struggling with the concept of celibacy? The Catholic view on contraception raises equal doubts. It seems likely that a high percentage of Catholics in the developed world practice contraception. Only believers in the poorest of countries accept the doctrine if birth rates are any indication, and they pay the price by the lifestyle that comes with over population. The debate on both topics is generations old but the letters might give it added focus.

    Stephen Fry has deleted his Twitter account - again. He knows how to put a smile on our faces!

    St John’s Primary School in Greater Manchester has sent a letter to parents asking them not to smoke spliffs when dropping off the children. Apparently, the complaint came from other parents who noticed it as they delivered their kids to school. We’re not sure what gave it away but if you’ve ever tried it, you never forget the aroma!!

    Having voted ‘yes’ to the European Union in the 70’s we face another vote in coming months. Most of our crowd lived through the Second World War and experienced the sort of austerity that questions the use of the word in relation to 2016 living conditions. To us, the concept of a common market and a Europe that didn’t go to war with each other was unfailingly attractive. But how things have changed. In so many areas we see Brussels taking decisions that should be taken in Westminster. Even worse, we see decisions taken in Westminster overruled by Brussels. A quick poll in the pub showed a distinct leaning towards ‘no’ this time. Some things are similar. In 1975, the ‘yes’ campaign was well staffed, well funded and contained like minded, respected people from all three major parties. The ‘no’ campaign was led by the likes of Enoch Powell, Tony Benn, Dr Ian Paisley – the usual suspects to use crime thriller terminology. Today we see high profile personalities praising Cameron as he throws the Conservative manifesto in the garbage, while high fiving crumbs from the EU. At the same time, the ‘no’ campaign is downgraded by infighting. History is generally a guide to the future but today’s politicians don’t achieve (or deserve) the levels of respect they once had. We’re told the vote will be a once in a lifetime affair but for us it’s already a second. If a ‘yes’ proves a disaster there must be a third and the country won’t wait 40 years.

    Dr Sally Davies, the ‘one glass of wine will shorten your life messiah’ should have listened to a recently deceased 107-year-old in Spain. Antonio Garcia from Ribadavia in northern Spain put his longevity down to drinking four bottles of red wine every day. He had the great advantage of owning a vineyard. While gratefully accepting his advice we shall have to temper it on a pure cost basis. But a 107-year-old woman in London is taking medical advice more seriously. She stopped smoking at 102 for the sake of her health and now only consumes one bottle of whisky a week! She has kept one packet of ciggy’s stashed away in case of a very stressful moment. In our opinion that could occur if she ever meets Sally Davies.

    Television series, The Jump, is gaining viewers by the thousand as pseudo celebrities and retired sports stars give it their all on skis. The accident rate is what is acquiring viewers, the winner likely to be the last person standing, or maybe just lying quietly if the trend continues. If only the next series could be dedicated to politicians – the ratings would go through the roof, hopefully joined by a couple of the contestants.          

    Josh James collected his meal from a drive-thru Wendy’s in Florida, paid and gave the staff a surprise. He tossed a three-foot alligator through the drive-thru window. As tips go, this must have been a first. The alligator was eventually released into a nearby canal. No comment has been heard from staff since they are still in the toilets.

    German Intelligence says that Islamic State militants have slipped into Europe disguised as refugees. The statement came after the arrest of four suspects believed to be planning an attack in Berlin. What a surprise. Four down and only X number more to be found.

    Angela Merkel is now asking Turkey to hold up the latest flood of refugees that have arrived on the Turkish border. The refugees are driven by President Assad’s Russian assisted advance in Aleppo province. So her ‘all welcome’ speech has finally come home to roost and she is desperately seeking to pass on the problem. Turkey’s deputy Prime Minister, Yalcin Akdogan, summed it up yesterday by accusing Europe of voicing lessons on morality without practicing what they preach. He accused Europe of saying open your borders, take everyone in, but don’t let anyone through. He makes a good point. On the other hand, he should understand politics. When a leader makes a total cock up they need to seek a scapegoat. Merkel will shortly be blaming Turkey as the road north gets choked with immigrants/refugees.

    After another round up of who takes the most tablets nowadays, Paddy made an interesting point. At our age, no matter how many tablets you take, nobody says you are a hypochondriac.

    Amanda Holden threw a hissy fit after being booed off stage at Britain’s Got Talent auditions. That’s a lot of no’s from the audience then!

    Ben shared some email exchanges he had with M&S last week. He popped into their Hedge End store to buy a few bits and pieces for a soon to be holiday, all clothes. Even with problems finding stock of the right size he and Sue managed to spend £50. He was surprised at the till to find that clothes still don’t get a bag unless you buy one. Most people want new clothes in pristine condition to carry them home and the carriers we all use for groceries are pretty tatty. Ben raised the possibility of recyclable paper bags if M&S are so concerned about the planet. After all, buying a plastic bag doesn’t reduce usage and we don't buy clothes very often. Their response that paper bags would increase their carbon footprint may be valid, but they buried it with a final sentence. ‘We are however looking to bring in a new free bag which we will provide for customers who spend over £100 on clothes’. Global warming, what global warming, if you spend over a ton.

    We’ve renamed David Cameron, Don Quixote. He tilts at more windmills than the legendary Don and with a similar success rate. His ‘negotiations’ in Brussels are descending into farce. He’s asking for very little and seems ready to settle for less. To take the pressure off he simply selects another windmill and hopes the headline it generates will divert us. The latest windmill is a classic. He says that if you’re black you’re more likely to be in prison than at a top university. Without doing the analysis we’re betting the same applies if you’re white and only measure blue chip university intakes. We tend to associate prison sentences with serious crime so unless those banged up are there for other reasons we’re not sure what point he is making. At least it gives him a headline that doesn’t involve Google’s tax or the EU.       

    A 14-year old girl in Croydon has been jailed for four months for punching an 87-year old woman on a bus. It makes us long for the old days. The return of the birch might have a more lasting effect. The old lady will never forget the attack while her attacker will wear it as a badge of honour when back with her friends. As W.S.Gilbert wrote in The Mikado, ‘to make the punishment fit the crime’ has a lot to recommend it. Give pain to those who inflict it!

    At last an interesting survey, and a touch of validity about the findings due to the way the figures are produced. NHS patients in Blackpool had the highest average spending per head on antidepressants last year. £10.46/person, equivalent to a three-month course, is based on the population of the town. If you had a tough year in 2015, we would recommend a holiday in Blackpool this year. You’ll feel a lot better once you’ve mixed with some really depressed locals. And you’ll soon get used to the safety harness on the big wheel. They’re not taking any chances!

    Aldi in Australia have recently come up with a high-risk marketing strategy. They posted a ‘fill in the blank’ message on the internet. How about this for taking a punt?

I became an Aldi lover when I tasted ------------ for the first time.

You can insert your own words since most of ours were unprintable, particularly the one regarding the lady on the Delhi counter. Enough said.

    Blatchington Mill School in Brighton set an interesting homework the other day. They circulated a survey released by the Children’s Commissioner for England, Anne Longfield asking them to define their gender from a list of more than 20 different terms. Girl and boy seemed pretty straightforward but we began to struggle with ‘gender fluid’. Sam was convinced it related to discharge released by both boys and girls in moments of erotic excitement, therefore making them ‘gender common’. His scientific background excludes him from most discussions. We gave up in hysterics as we discussed Genderqueer, Non-binary, Androgynous, Intersex, Not sure and Rather Not say. But it is good to know our Children’s Commissioner is focused on the critical issues for kids in the UK. 

    Has the Trump bubble burst in Iowa. Maybe the result is similar to the last election in the UK where pollsters forecast one result and the electorate delivered another. Answering a pollster requires less thought than registering your vote. Before you place your cross, you probably take a much harder look at the character of those shouting for it.  Time to try an alternative hairstyle Donald.

    Prime Minister Manuel Valls of France has finally spoken the unspeakable. At the World Economic Forum in Davos he said that the future of a unified Europe was under threat from the enormous numbers of migrants flooding to the continent. He warned that the numbers forecast would destabilize European societies. In reality, European culture as we know it could disappear. Perhaps he has begun to listen to the people, unheard of by a politician. The referendum in the UK won’t be about staying or leaving the EU. In reality it will be a vote about immigration. Unless immigration is curbed, the ‘NO’ vote will continue to grow for all the wrong reasons.

    And the lady that triggered the stampede for Europe is coming under even greater pressure from her own allies. Horst Seehofer, leader of the Christian Social Union gave it context during a discussion on immigration. His comment that “chancellors in an advanced stage of their office only believe in themselves,” seemed to ring true for most of Europe’s leaders. He thinks Angela Merkel got it wrong. At the same time, Austrian Interior Minister, Johanna  Mikl-Leitner states that the cap on refugees allowed in is likely to be reached within months. Once the cap is reached (37,500) they would refuse to accept further asylum applications or reject refugees at the border. The time for sticking plaster solutions seems long past.

    The lads were interested to read that some restaurants in China have been prosecuted for using opium poppies as seasoning with the aim of making their food more addictive. You can tell which restaurants are doing it since they only have one dish on the menu! I can’t wait to read their reviews on Trip Advisor. 

    The Home Office announcement about a new language test for immigrants got off to a great start. As their Muslim lady staff member said, her spelling of langauge was close enough for most immigrants.

    Donald Trump gets better. He recently told an enthusiastic audience he could shoot somebody, randomly chosen, and still not lose any voters. He sounds like an ideal person to live in the White House with a finger on the red button. More worrying is the volume of voters who hang on his every word. On reflection, what we are seeing may be the reaction of ordinary folk to the people who run our lives. The current political classes seem further removed from the people than ever before.      

    We were surprised to learn that a 30 second ad at Super Bowl 50 costs around $5,000,000. Even more surprised that producer’s had turned down an advert. Then positively shocked that the ad they refused was from Peta, an animal rights group. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) – where do they get that sort of dough? Then we saw a few shots from the banned ad and decided it should have been run. Junior schools in the UK will shortly be using it in sex education lessons. The message, ten out of ten for visual clarity, suggests that a vegan diet clears clogged up carnivores, delivers improved blood flow and augments sex life.  It gives a new meaning to the old joke – ‘is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me’?  Worth a look on the web.    

    The crime statistics in Sherborne, Dorset, took a worrying turn last week after its first ‘drive by’ attack. The victim was standing outside her shop when she was hit. The yoghurt carton was full and splattered all over her as the miscreants roared away in a convertible with its roof down. Police are extremely concerned since supermarkets have recently introduced two-litre pots of Greek yoghurt.

    Thieves in Turlock, California have stolen $50,000 worth of bull semen. The mother of one of the thieves summed it up beautifully. “He always had sticky fingers as a boy!”

    A new condom machine called Johnny be Good is being introduced that requires more than coins in the slot - it is breathalyzer activated. The potential customer has to blow on a panel that gives an alcohol rating. Too much alcohol on the breath and the machine won’t supply the necessary. So, next time you hear a drunk mumbling about a ‘lousy blow job’, it may not be what you think.

    Bournemouth crematorium has introduced an on line internet link for relatives and friends that cant attend a funeral. You Tube for mourners – wait for the first one that goes viral!