We never expected Rihanna to appear in our blog again but made no allowance for her need for self-publicity.  Her latest campaign, Free The Nipple, demanded further examination.  It’s aimed at on-line deliverers who blank the delicate spot with an out of focus pixel. Rihanna and her pals complain that they don’t do that with blokes. That could change if Paddy ever appeared with his vest off!  Jez’s initial reaction was ‘go for it girls’, until we considered the implications.  Several of our lady regulars live their lives on Facebook but we thought it unlikely they would join the campaign.  On the off chance they do, Adrian had advice for Facebook – “you’ll need more pixels.”

    In the long term, historians judge leaders more by their actions than by their rhetoric.  An old Chinese proverb sums it up succinctly. ‘Not the cry but the flight of the wild duck leads the flock to fly and follow’.  We say actions speak louder than words but the Chinese said it about 1000 years before us. It’s hard to find words to describe the downing of an airliner with almost 300 souls aboard and we can only spectate as world leaders sound off about what should happen next.  What we really need is action.  As the separatists grudgingly give access to investigators, Putin still has an opportunity to regain some credibility.  He should order the separatists to step back and allow investigators to do their work unhindered; to facilitate the return of loved ones to their families.  Putin postures as a strong leader but how he reacts during the next few days will show the world what sort of a leader he really is.

    While British ministers discussed Flight MH17 and Gaza at a COBRA meeting our Deputy Prime Minister busied himself on Channel 4’s Sunday Brunch; his version of the event, extending his reach to those who don’t watch political television. The questions posed by interviewers were like watching cricket with a soft ball; designed not to hurt. We should expect to see him at knit & natter sessions in the near future.  “Knit one, purl one, where do the rest of you stand on greater federalization of the EU.”  Mind you, as Ben remarked, he stands in Sheffield and Yorkshire men aren’t famous for donning aprons or doing the cleaning.  So if he loses the blokes as well as the students he might be visiting a job centre next May.  On reflection he won’t need to.  His pals at the EU will surely find him a well-paid sinecure.

    Another long held belief came under fire this week.  I think the main advocate of people only using about 10% of their brainpower came from Dale Carnegie in his book, How To Win Friends & Influence People.  It has taken 80 years but neuroscientists now say it’s nonsense.  They state that the brain is fully active all the time.  Sam Wang of Princeton University in the USA suggests that the myth has been perpetuated by the multi-million self-help industry.  He probably has a point by the number of gurus who pontificate on the topic.  Sam’s view, “these neuroscientists never drove on the M25 during rush hour”, his point being that if some of the motorists he observed have fully functioning brains, it might be time to sell the car!

    Euthanasia caused a split in the Lords last week but it is still alive and well in business.  Philip Clarke, Tesco’s Chief Executive, yesterday fell on his sword, placed close to hand by the board, as the God of market share claimed another victim.  It came as no surprise to us, lured into Lidl and Aldi by attractive offers.  We didn’t know the brands at first and bought a couple of items to try them.  But all six of us did it, and suddenly we were recommending what we thought was good (and inevitably cheaper) over a pint.  In a couple of months we knew quality items we could trust and became regulars, Tesco et al just top up stores now.  A trial of six is never conclusive but the figures suggest we’re the norm.  How long before Marc Bolland at M&S follows Clarke.  Our wives insist the store has lost sight of what were its core customers, namely them.  That’s a trial of four but I wouldn’t bet against the ladies.

    Ben saw an interesting piece on pain differences between men and women this week, suggesting that higher levels of oestrogen may be why women have worse headaches than men.  His comment that oestrogen levels raise at bedtime got some smiles, then nods when he said he now knew what caused his problem.  Honesty from men, whatever next!        

    The World Cup finally came to an end, with general agreement in The Duke that the best team won, not to downplay the Argentinians who were worthy opponents.  As Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles echoed round the Maracana stadium, Paddy remarked that he hadn’t heard it sung with such passion since he was a kid!  He doesn’t have a forgiving nature.  After the blip in the German economy last month, Angela Merkel must have prayed for this result.  Even so, as the goal went in, both Mutti Merkel and President Joachim Gauck celebrated like fans, not politicians, genuine delight writ large on their faces.  The only person to out-Merkel Merkel was Rihanna, from that great footballing nation Barbados.  Rihanna’s name got blank faces from four of the lads who don’t have grandchildren the right age to worship at the feet of pop stars. By the pictures on Twitter, Rihanna became a naturalised German, for one night at least. That said, we doubt her next release will be a version of Deutschland, Deutschland, though we’d pay to hear that. We assume that David Cameron applauded the result politely, teeth gritted, knowing he won’t get to reprise Angela even if he stays in power until he retires; an event as unlikely as England winning another World Cup.

    Lord Carey, the former Archbishop of Canterbury raised more than eyebrows with his comment last week that ‘it would not be un-Christian to legalise assisted suicide’.  The lads have frequently talked about euthanasia, since death enters your life with increasing frequency when you reach our age.  Two of us have watched parents disappear into the never-never land of dementia, misnamed as life simply because the body still has certain active functions; not that life in any worthwhile sense defines the patient’s situation.  When the parents involved eventually reached the medical definition of death, we shed no tears, instead feeling a sense of relief for them.  We’ve said that given the option, we would have agreed to a happy relief, easy when you don’t have to make the decision.  We’ll be interested to see how Lord Falconer’s Assisted Dying Bill gets on at its second reading this week.  All the lads say that they hope someone will take pity on them and end their existence if dementia becomes their lot.  The difficulty, as always, is the decision you are forcing on a third party, maybe your children. 

    The opinionated Stephen Fry jumped in with both feet while hosting a recent Labour fundraising dinner.  He lambasted Operation Yewtree, the police enquiry into historic sex abuse, on the basis that less than half those investigated have been convicted.  His comment that people are innocent until proven guilty would get no dispute, or that those who invent claims should be equally open to prosecution.  The celebrities that have been investigated and found with no case to answer have undoubtedly suffered immense stress and damage.  In fairness, their accusers should be named and investigated just as thoroughly.  But Fry seems to have forgotten that several of those investigated are now serving prison sentences for the abuse they committed on the young and vulnerable.  Their victims are every bit as important as the celebrities who thought their position put them above the law.  Perhaps the most significant lesson is that we hear too many rants from so called celebrities.  It may be time to take away the oxygen of publicity and allow them to fade quietly into the background, the ultimate indignity for most of them.      

    NICE are telling us how to live our lives again.  Even sticking within the safe alcohol guidelines, 2 units a day for women, 3 for men raises the risk of future illness.  Apparently GP’s will soon be advising us not to share a bottle of wine with a friend in the evening.  Sam already says he wouldn’t dream of sharing one if it was a decent year.  Having lived many years of our lives with rationing in place, a similar period might offer the country a solution to all these health problems.  Introduce rationing for 20 to 45 year olds, animal fats, sugars and alcohol only available with a controlled number of coupons.  At a stroke, the health of the nation would improve. It takes age and experience to come up with the solution like that, so the politicians won’t.  Eat you hearts out NICE and while you’re considering our idea, Ben can get the next round in.

    Backpainhelp.com have released a survey that suggests that housework is the most common activity that people give up because of back pain.  Fewer give up sex or driving.  There’s a surprise!

     

    I heard a short discussion on the radio about which books politicians should take with them to read during their summer holidays.  The ideas from the lads came thick and fast when I raised it. Cameron and negotiation are words that don’t sit comfortably in the same sentence but we found a book that might help.  Getting Together by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown is well worth a look; only a couple of hundred pages so Dave should be able to read, learn and inwardly digest without reducing his 'me' time. If he struggles to understand the logic it delivers, we are available.  The Ultimate Book of Useless Information by Noel Botham would be useful to statistic spouting Ed Miliband.  He may even learn something from Mexican revolutionary Sancho Villa’s dying words – “Don’t let it end like this, tell them I said something.”  Villa didn’t have enough breath to add his last word, “useful” Ben’s suggestion. That final word would be essential rather than useful to Miliband’s case.  Nick Clegg seems hell bent on political suicide and we asked the library if they had any books on the topic of suicide.  Apparently there are some, but borrowers never return them!   

    Hillary Clinton has been busy promoting her book Hard Choices during a visit to the UK.  We got talking about it since four of us have either seen or heard her on television or the radio.  The fact Jez heard her on Woman’s Hour raised a couple of eyebrows but we don’t bother to comment anymore.  Accepting that she was promoting her book and would behave accordingly, all our comment seemed positive.  She’ll go head to head where necessary, as Obama found out when they met ‘gloves off’ for the Democratic nomination, but she understands diplomacy as well.  On reflection, her balanced approach to the role of Secretary of State did a great deal to re-establish the US reputation and position in the world after GW’s sabre rattling.  She’s playing her cards close to her chest, fairly close anyway, hint, hint, about running for president but she’d get our vote.  That won’t help much if she runs, but with Bill behind her, I should really rephrase that, we believe she’d do a good job.  

    Tracy Emin’s bed made £2.5mill to an anonymous buyer when it went to auction last week.  Adrian bets the wife of the bloke that made the winning bid doesn’t know he bought it.  But art lovers can relax since Jez has already started to save his used underpants.  We know it will be a sculpture since some of the offensive garments already stand up of their own accord!

    Speaker of The House, John Bercow, has found it necessary to tell the media that he’s not a sex symbol. We’re not the right crowd to make a judgement so checked with the ‘girls’ in the pub.  No worries John, it’s not a general perception.  Apparently wife Sally says his role in Westminster has made him more sexually attractive.  Maybe he wears his robes in the bedroom while Sally pretends to be a party whip?  Whatever the reason, Ben summed up the announcement perfectly.  Straight faced, he voiced that “it was only a short statement.”  You cannot argue with that.

    An interesting bit of information about global warming also got us talking this week.  America’s Snow and Ice Data Centre, funded by NASA, revealed that the amount of Antarctic sea ice has hit a new record high.  Satellite observations didn’t start until 1979 so it’s a short term trend; it is however, supportable and accurate.  Climatologists base their predictions of global warming on computer modelling, not data, and berate any doubters.  We won’t be around to find out who is right, but based on our own recollections we’ve generally been in agreement that the weather in the UK has changed during our lifetimes. Global warming, who knows?  Like so many major issues, we’d love to see real data rather than opposing arguments.    

    Paedophilia is filling the headlines at present, another potential scandal daily it seems.  As elderly entertainment figures begin their sentences, a potentially greater concern is surfacing.  Did a paedophile ring of the great and the good also get a free pass because of their power in and around government?  Names have surfaced, mainly posthumous, but if the rumours are proven, there will be survivors. If so, the perpetrators should be punished, but so should those who protected them from exposure; they are equally culpable.   Right now, there is a strong smell emerging from the corridors of power and a radical fumigation is required.

    Yvette Cooper, the shadow home secretary, is quoted as saying she wants teenage boys to grow up as feminists; all for equality then.  I’m not sure how that will stand up if we find all women short lists interviewed for certain posts.  If she can make unequal equivalent to equal, she should be shadow chancellor! 

    Funniest comment of the week came from Jez about spectators doing ‘selfies’ of The Tour De France.   “The silly buggers are turning their backs on the peloton.”  Someone has to tell him!! 

    Back again after a great trip to Iceland, The Faroes and Orkneys.  What can be better than twelve nights with a bunch of pensioners of every shape, size and opinion?  Almost anything, I hear younger people voice, but what do they know?  We’ve been involved in discussions about politics, sport, the environment and every medical condition known to man.  In a couple of cases we only had symptoms to guide us and the suggestions about what they indicated would have filled several issues the British Medical Journal.  The ideas voiced will make for an interesting discussion with the appropriate doctor on their return from the cruise.

    One highlight for me was a visit to the Italian Church near Scapa Flow. Built inside Nissan huts, it is testimony to the Italian POW’s who did the work and will remain in memory of them. The Churchill Barriers also act as a reminder of the German submarine that penetrated the anchorage early in The Second World War.  It’s not often we see Jez looking reflective but an 18 year old relative of his went down with the Royal Oak.  Long may we remember them, and all the others who paid the ultimate price, regardless of which side they fought for. 

    None of us are mad keen soccer fans and England’s ignominious early exit from the World Cup caused a minimum of pain.  More interesting in some respects was listening to the pundits holding forth on England’s performances.  In business we used to call that sort of pointless discussion, ‘paralysis by analysis’.  Perhaps they miss the basic point that we just aren’t good enough.  Our players are good, but world class is a whole different level.  Never mind, the players will continue to pick up their £5mill or thereabouts back in The Premiership next season and that should help to ease any pain they felt.  Perhaps the failure to even reach the knockout stage should lead to a halving of their salaries, the other half being used to develop soccer skill centres for children up to the age of twelve.  I’m sure the players concerned would be happy to contribute the money in order to produce genuine world class contenders.  Did anyone see that squadron of pigs in the flypast as the players deplaned?

    The ‘knicker’ police have been busier than ever at Wimbledon, white the only acceptable colour.  We can only hope they’re checking gusset thickness as well since even ladies perspire.  A failure to check absorbent quality may result in spectators thinking Brazilians have taken over the competition!  Ben loves tennis and watched a couple of games in the pub while we were away.  With lady players grunting like mares on heat and white undies flashing in the sunlight, the effect on Ben was said to be hypnotic.  Pam described the look on his face as acute longing overlaid by the pain of realistic expectation.  She has a lovely turn of phrase does our landlady.   

    David Cameron has found himself outmanoeuvred by the European Union yet again.  Never having a proper job can be a real handicap when entering negotiations; it seems that the concept of leverage is beyond his understanding. Waving an In-Out referendum that is dependent on the Conservatives winning the next election carries little weight unless the odds of winning are strongly in Cameron’s favour.  With a built in advantage to Labour it can be no surprise that bookmakers have Ed Miliband as slight favourite, and I tend to believe the odds-makers rather more than the polls. 

    Angela Merkel was the key to the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker.  She remains the key to most aspects of the EU right now, and once her support was lost, so was the battle. Now the deed is done, Angela is trying to apply a plaster to Cameron’s wounds, not directly you understand.  Wolfgang Schauble, Germany’s finance minister now says that the UK is indispensable to the EU and almost in stereo, Dr Michael Fuchs, a leading member of Angela’s Christian Democrats chimed in to say “he couldn’t imagine an EU without Britain.”  When Mrs Merkel has had enough of politics, she could make a fortune as a ventriloquist.  At least she let her mouthpieces use their own voices.

    We hear interesting news from the scientific world about a camera that can see round corners.  We can only hope they take a while to reach the consumer market.  Jez continues to take his version of selfies with his phone and prior to that he owned a camera that refused to centre any object that he photographed.  People always appeared at the edge of his prints, generally missing a portion of head or feet.  The mind boggles at the thought of him shooting blind round corners, though Paddy thinks it might improve his pictures.

    An early blog this week since two of us are off on a cruise, but there should be plenty of material on our return. Experience tells us we shall meet a lot of pensioners on the ship, and unlike us, they have lots of moans! However, like General Douglas MacArthur, we shall return.

    Statins are in the news again this week.  About 7 million folk in the UK are currently receiving them but the NHS would like to up the numbers.  As normal, the medical experts are at odds about benefits versus side effects, leaving us, the potential recipients, sitting uncomfortably on the fence worrying we'll get piles.  We’re fifty-fifty in our group, with three on, three off, none of the user group feeling any different.  Sam had his first statin changed because of side effects but is OK on the new one.  If offered the statins, the three non-users are 2 to 1 against at present. Rightly or wrongly, we like to feel a benefit from anything we take.  Adrian has just been offered and signed up for an MOT from his GP.  We await the results with interest, free medical advice noisily available from the lads anyway, generally involving another pint.  Paddy had something similar and hasn’t stopped complaining about the size of the tube for the ‘pooh’ test.  The way he talks, he needed a Tupperware container!

    Boris Johnson has bought three second hand water cannons from the German police and we can’t wait to see them in action.  It will be the first time some of the protesters and water have been in contact for many a day.  It might be an idea to add shower gel to the water tanks to improve air quality in the vicinity of the protesters. Boris could use the idea to reinforce his green credentials.

    As Iraq implodes George W and Tony Blair should hang their heads in shame. Instead, Blair has hit any media that will give him air time or space to try to justify his position.  Whatever he achieved as Prime Minister, he’ll only be remembered for one thing, Iraq. Saddam Hussain was a monster, but what eventually replaces him could be infinitely worse.  Trying to introduce our form of democracy to Iraq was always ill thought.  Sunni and Shia mix about as well as oil and water, providing a perfect growth medium for Islamic fundamentalists.  Sadly, both Bush and Blair couldn’t wait to puff out their chests when the shooting war was won; never in doubt with the resources they had available. When Bush said “mission accomplished” he couldn’t have been further from the truth.  There are no short-term solutions in the Middle East but our leaders continue to cheer lead the Arab Spring then wring their hands at the chaos that results. 

    Adrian raised an interesting letter exchange from The Telegraph about speed awareness courses.  One gentleman complained that he’d learned nothing from his course, a respondent disagreeing, saying he’d learned from all three he’d attended.  We weren’t sure what the respondent learned, but attending three times suggests he missed the basic point about speed limits.  Our group have form, four of us having completed the said course.  We all took something from the course but generally agreed it didn’t need a half day to complete; a couple of hours could comfortably cover the material.  Maybe the snail speed instruction is part of the lesson!     

    We’re not sure who advises Ed Miliband but he ought to take a hard look at them.  His stunt with Rupert Murdoch’s Sun newspaper was an accident looking for a home, though none of his advisors seem to forecast the implications. After Hillsborough, Liverpool folk have no time for The Sun, but they do vote Labour; it runs head to toe through them like the word in a stick of rock.  How Miliband and his merry band missed that is astonishing.  And we thought the tits only appeared on Page 3!    

    Star of the week for Jez is Amy Spilsbury-Butler, a social worker who performs burlesque in her personal time.  She has been disciplined by her council employer for performing her ‘lewd’ act dressed as a pensioner called Old Molly; making fun of the vulnerable people she helps in her employer's opinion.  She has had to change her stage name to Alabama Breeze and her new internet video, the one Jez now dribbles about, shows her shaking her breasts and bottom at the audience.  Jez, living in hope, plans to contact social services to arrange for care visits.  He'll go blind if she turns up. 

    Our guru tip for the week:  Don’t just complain about poor service – tell them what you want as a result of their failure, turn the call into a negotiation!  We’re available as soon as we get the call from Oprah.   

    We got the predictable result in Newark, even though the Tory majority halved.  Unless Farage takes the next step, namely to produce a series of policies that ring bells with the electorate, UKIP will remain a protest party.  The danger UKIP face is trying to map out a manifesto that challenges the main parties in every aspect of their programmes.  If they try, they’ll lose.  Focus is the key, and not just on the seats they fight. Immigration and the European Union will remain issues but Farage needs another 3 or 4 key areas to fight on.  Pareto is the clue; 80% effort on the 20% of issues that the electorate see as important. We shall watch with interest since it might make a good case study.  The Lib Dems also got a predictable result in Newark, finishing sixth, just ahead of Nick The Flying Brick in seventh.  With a better turn out, Nick the Brick fancies he’ll beat Clegg’s lot in the general election!   Clegg and Cable tried to show togetherness during their pub announcement.  Words like ‘piss up’ and ‘brewery’ spring to mind.  They should fire their PR team before they come up with something really ludicrous.  On reflection, how can they top that?      

    We generally have a laugh when we meet but today produced hysterics.  Jez has bought a new Apple iPhone.  We’d have paid good money to hear the salesperson explaining the features to him.  Adrian said the Samsung Galaxy would have been better for Jez; not buying one at all would have been best in the majority view.  Jez bought the phone after seeing all the pictures that keep appearing in the papers of celebrities doing ‘selfies’.  Unfortunately the title hasn’t quite registered on him.  The pictures he showed us were reflections of himself in a mirror but he capped that by getting Pam to take a group photograph of the lads and called that a ‘selfie’.  Adrian thought Jez had rationalised ‘selfie’ to mean any photo that included him.  That soon got disproved.  Jez told us he was going home to take a ‘selfie’ of his Labrador, Zak.  Maybe the dog will explain it to him.

    Obama’s speech at the D Day celebrations was brilliant.  He may not have written it, but the delivery made the hairs stand up; a fitting tribute to the young Americans and Brits who stood to be counted at a moment in history that we hope will never be repeated.  On his feet in this media age, Obama stands out as a world figure.  Hopefully there will be no downside to the negotiations with The Taliban to get Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl released.  Two of our group spent their business lives doing commercial deals and know the implications of precedent.   Once in place, precedent can’t be discounted as a one off.  Putin struck a lonely figure in Normandy, isolated by other world leaders as a result of what is happening in Ukraine. It seemed unfortunate when we think of all the Russian soldiers who died to defeat Hitler.  They played a major part in the final victory and shouldn’t be forgotten.

    The row rumbles on about the television programme undertaken by Kent Police and Crime Commissioner, Ann Barnes.  The highlight for us was her use of an onion in her attempt to explain the setting of police priorities.  Sam said all he kept seeing was a turnip.  He didn’t need to explain. This lady is paid £85,000/annum plus expenses and appears to have no job description.  We would happily write one for her but she might need to buy some new Marigolds to fulfil it.  Cameron and Osborne had most people onside when they came to office; we needed to cut public spending.  If the need still exists, they should take action when an expensive role such as this is exposed to ridicule.

    The church and charities are up in arms about the block of flats in London that has introduced one inch studs to discourage rough sleepers from using the covered alcove near the main entrance.  As a dog walker, who carries a plastic bag to remove anything my Labrador leaves behind her, my sympathies are with the residents of the flats.  Instead of voicing anger, the church might consider opening their doors to rough sleepers.  Their shelters have limited space, but a warm dry church could sleeps hundreds. 

    The Mail On Sunday you magazine had a guide to lifestyle gurus on Sunday.  Ben raised it because all the gurus were women.  Apart from Oprah, who apparently gets about 71 million views a month, we didn’t recognise the names, but it raised a question.  Why are there no blokes?   We had to give it a go.  Jez suggested that stick on soles give years of extra life to shoes.  I could just imagine the celebrities following that advice; stick-ons for your Jimmy Choo’s madam?  As connoisseurs of curries we settled on our recommended actions after a Vindaloo.  Just before bed, drink a large glass of water and put a toilet roll in the fridge.  Follow that Oprah!       

    Tony Blair lifted his head above the parapet as the Chilcot Enquiry into the Iraq war hit the news again, “not down to me guv,” his position on the delay.  There’s a surprise.  After much argument, Adrian held sway, and we agreed we could understand the block on complete publication of the communications between George W and Blair.  The Americans are our allies, have been since 1944, and that’s sufficient reason.  But Chilcot et al have seen and heard every word.  A journalist said this puts the onus on them to ‘man up’, a modern term we don’t understand.  If their analysis of the communications tells them that Blair had already made the decision to go to war before the nonsense about WMD’s, they need to make that unequivocal. It’s time to go balls out, a term we do understand.  Failure to do so will result in Sir John being held in similar contempt to many of our politicians.  If the words ‘we need to learn lessons’, public sector code for I must protect my pension, appear anywhere in the report it will be time to abandon hope.  Get the truth published, we’ve waited long enough.

    On a more serious note, Charles Saatchi has decided to sell Tracey Emin’s iconic bed.  The sale will make it second hand, a brilliant irony.  Even when new it looked as though it had been through more hands, knees and bumps a daisy than most of us experience in a lifetime.  It could easily be sold abroad, which provides an opening for a contemporary new sculpture.  Numerous suggestions later we settled on a washing basket with several pairs of Jez’s used underpants as our sculpture.  The title took seconds to resolve – Skid Marks, unchallenged once voiced.  We’ll be disappointed if we don’t get shortlisted for The Turner Prize.  Full marks to Emin though; she pictured something when tumbling out of a slutty bed and made her name and hopefully, fortune. Not many would have seen the opportunity; our sort of girl.  In recent years, she’s been quoted as saying that she’s now regarded as an outsider in the arty world for voting Tory.  We had a look at a couple of her drawings on the web to gain a perspective.  We have no artistic credentials between us but none of us could answer Ben’s query of “what’s that supposed to be?”  A switch to UKIP might restore Tracey’s credibility.  She could design their literature and Nigel Farage seems like a bloke who pays his corner in the pub.

    Four of us, ex-regulars, have given up on BBC Question Time on television.  Adrian and Sam still watch, Adrian in hope, Sam to keep up his exercise regime which involves jumping off his chair to shout abuse.  Last week seems to have plumbed the depths according to their comments about two of the panellists; Joey Barton and Piers Morgan no less.  Maybe they should change the programme title to The Egos Have Landed, with apologies to Jack Higgins.  Adrian didn’t bother to check the Question Time viewing figures but we’d bet they’re going south.  Maybe it’s coincidence, but didn’t that happen with CNN?

    We’re old enough to think we’ve heard most things before but fraudster Juliette D’Souza takes the biscuit. She posed as a faith healer who could relieve life threatening illnesses, even help women to conceive.   She convinced victims that their money should be sacrificed by hanging it on a magical tree in the rainforest in South America.  Shamans would perform rituals around the money before it was sent back to the owner.  It came as no surprise that as the money took its extended journey, it got lost in transit.  Juliette missed her calling. She could have made a fortune in commission, working on the knocker to convince people she could save them money on their gas and electricity.  You don’t even get your collar felt for that scam.  Paddy thought we might be missing a trick.  He knows of a tree in a wood close to the pub where a girl lay down in the shade of its branches and became pregnant!   We decided we would have to seek younger help to make that business opportunity viable!

    Andrew Neil scored a bull’s eye on the Sunday Politics Show.  He was discussing the Newark by-election with Diane Abbott, the Labour politician.  Whatever points she tried to make were quickly put into perspective by her answer to Neil’s simple question “where is Newark?”  After an “um” plus an “er”, the show stopping “I know it’s outside the M25,” came as her considered answer.  Mind you, for £66,396 a year plus expenses it was no more than I expected of a politician. And they say us pensioners drain the public purse.  Out of touch metropolitan elite springs to mind but locals of Newark would simply refer her to the anagram of their fair town.