We had another anti-austerity march to cheer our weekend. Estimates of the numbers involved varied from 250,000 – the marcher’s estimate, to 25,000 – the analyst’s estimate.  Pollsters refused to give a figure for some reason! As usual, the genuine public sector workers were let down by the rabble that attach themselves to every one of these gatherings. And they really should change their mouthpieces to retain credibility. Russell Brand was spouting his normal rubbish, prompts scribbled on his hand to avoid overloading his brain. Then we were treated to a Welsh ‘gobalong’ from Charlotte Church, but thankfully she didn’t sing. Finally, we had that man of peace, Martin McGuinness, to moderate any extreme views.  I bet none of them offer open house to the homeless or dip deep into their seriously well-filled pockets!  While disagreeing with his views, it took ‘would be’ Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn to offer balanced views at the march.  Interestingly, none of the protagonists will be around when the UK finally has to go head to head with its debt. Our grandchildren will have to face that!

    Ascot came to an end on Saturday and the changes to etiquette rules regarding knee length dresses and hat sizes were there for all to see.  One rule didn’t become apparent until the champers flowed at post race parties in the car park.  The most recent dress code that Ascot produced stipulated that knickers must be worn, and as beautifully dressed and coiffured ladies succumbed to one glass too many, it became apparent that they had accepted the ruling. The only exception was a Scots gentleman who raised his kilt to join in a foot race organized by the chalets.  Shouts of “get a bigger sporran” were lost on him.

    Some news was greeted with disbelief as we put the world to rights over lunch and cabernet sauvignon at The Yew Tree. (We’re rapidly turning into champagne (almost) cynics).  High court judge, Mr Justice Collins, has ruled that an electronic tag should be removed from a Somali terror suspect because the man feared it contained a bomb. This despite evidence that the gentleman in question had provided support to militant group al-Shabab for many years. His delusional thoughts had grown worse so the tag breached his human rights, stated the judge.  So much for our human rights, as the judge frees an unexploded bomb to walk our streets with no means of monitoring his whereabouts.             

    One of the lads raised the problem of litter in the roads round the villages and the discussion moved on to the way companies in the USA sponsor roads to keep them tidy.  It led to some interesting ideas.

      SSL International, owner of the Durex brand – all the streets in Soho

      The BBC – the left side of streets surrounding Broadcasting House

      Paul Sykes Group Ltd, UKIP donator – the right side of the BBC streets

      The Labour Party – un-adopted streets and dead ends

      The Conservative Party – short cuts and rat runs

      The Chilcot Enquiry Team – roads that meander to nowhere.  RIP Chilcot.

      Ann Summers – roads near to schools, jammed by frustrated mothers’ 4WD’s.

You can probably think of many more and we’d be interested to see your ideas in the comment section.

    Vegan Peta Watson-Smith, the latest member of the RSPCA’s ruling council sounds like a real find.  She likened farming to the Holocaust no less because of the way she perceives the treatment of animals on farms. We await the increase in prosecutions against farmers.  Whilst accepting there will be bad farmers, most of them treat animals extremely well in our experience, and we live among them.  Having viewed the PDSA as a worthy charity in the past, the lady has guaranteed we won’t support it in the future.

    Roger Mosey, ex-head of TV news at the BBC has accused his ex-employer of bias in the way it reports views on immigration.  BBC biased, surely not!!! His comments seem to be based on two events. One, he no longer works for them, two, he has a book to sell.  These Road to Damascus conversions so often follow a similar pattern.        

    At last the news is out.  Chris Evans is taking the Top Gear job.  Never one to shy away from new ideas, Evans will go for broke in the new role.  But May and Hammond have given it a swerve, however big the payday offering.  So the scene is set for JC and the boys to switch channels.  It delivers a mouthwatering thought.  How long before we see Top Gear and Top Gear Original going head to head. Then we’ll know if the A Team were replaceable.  Bring it on. 

    When trained as a negotiator in the dim past, we were told that if you shafted someone without their knowledge you must never let a word of it pass your lips.  Speaking about it to anyone at all risks it getting back to the opponent.  If it gets back, the person concerned will never forget and any opportunity for revenge will be grabbed with both hands.  An election for the Labour leadership meant Ed Miliband had no option but to shaft his brother in public, crocodile tears and hugs for the cameras post election, fooling no-one.  Will David forget and forgive because it’s his brother – no chance.  Big brother put the boot in post election but that wasn’t enough. He returned to the attack in an interview with CNN saying that under his brother Labour had been “insufficiently credible on the economy or on reforming the state.”  We have a feeling David’s knife is still sharp and the memory of his defeat like a boil that won’t burst. We doubt they’re planning summer holidays together, unless it culminates in a fishing trip a la Godfather! 

    We’ve not seen many details of the world’s first successful penis transplant, carried out last December in Cape Town, South Africa.  It appears to have worked well since the man’s partner is now four months pregnant.  It raised a couple of questions in our minds. One, from where did the transplanted organ come? Three of us have signed up to have our organs used after death, but had never considered that that this most personal item might be harvested.  Contemplating it made our eyes run even though we’d have shaken off this mortal coil. In war, in sport, men take great care of that part of their body. The thought of your heart, lungs, kidneys and eyes offering new lives to others has a positive feel.  The thought of a third party enjoying your manhood – we weren’t as sure. And how about if the bloke’s partner wasn’t impressed, size matters and all that.  Fortunately, the second question came from Jez as we talked about the operation.  His query about the surgery, “was it a big job’ reduced us to hysterics, killed any further discussion.

    Greece is really taking it to the edge this time as talks about their debt rumble on.  Hard words are coming from Germany and the IMF but we’re betting a compromise will be cobbled together yet again.  The euro has never worked for Greece and never will.  How long before EU bite the bullet?  The alternative will be treating Greece as a charity case and they deserve better than that.  An exit from the euro would bring severe times to Greece but they would recover.  Staying in will simply guarantee the hard times roll on into the foreseeable future.

    Rachel Dolezal, a white woman, has caused controversy in the USA by posing as a black person.  She appears to have gone to extremes to build her black persona and become a leading light in the National Association for the Advancement of Coloured People.  It’s hard to make sense of what she has done and the revelations are more likely to damage than further the NAACP cause.  We’re assuming that both black and white will pillory her as the case progresses, leaving little opportunity for a fresh start in the States.  Maybe she could change her name to Huang, a common surname in China, meaning yellow, and start a new life.

    More breast-beating again this week about the two British men who have died fighting on behalf of a terrorist group.  We understand the feelings of their families.  Losing a child is devastating.  But their actions caused the barely mentioned deaths of others, who also had families.  Once radicalized, these lads will seek opportunities to fight for their cause.  If it’s not in Kenya or Iraq, it’s likely to be on home soil.  If they have left the UK, the focus of our security services should be to stop them returning, not trying to get them back home.

    It’s not often that Belgium as a country enters our thoughts or crosses our lips, even capital Brussels meaning EU in our minds, as a rule.  But we did raise a glass to Belgium at the weekend. France blocked the introduction of a two-euro coin commemorating the Battle of Waterloo, saying it would receive an unfavourable reaction in France.  Clearly they are still touchy about the defeat in 1815 by an army led by our local hero, The Duke of Wellington. (Our local drinking hole is The Iron Duke).  Belgium got around the ban using a rule that allows EU countries to introduce irregular denomination coins.  Hence the 2.5-euro coin now being minted.  Vive Bruxelles for ensuring that the French meet their Waterloo again.

    Charities are getting some stick over hounding pensioners for donations.  Coincidentally, a ‘chugger’ approached me in Farnham a few days ago. I was standing outside a shop waiting for my wife, making me a stationary target. He was trying to sign people up to sponsor guide dog puppies. It is a charity we have supported in the past, but I don’t like this pushy approach, or the telephone version. The ‘chuggers’ that try to sign you up all have to be paid by their organization and I wonder how much of the donation finally reaches the charity.

   Our crazy mixed up world gets crazier.  A Lesbian couple in Canterbury has alleged that they were banned from a ‘bring your dad to class’ day.  Surely the hint is in the title.  While their son may understand their roles in the family, other children in the class might get confused, particularly if they are part way through sex education. Before the couple begin to scream that children have to understand LBGTQ, we disagree. Most people will never have real understanding of all the individual definitions and more to the point, have little to gain from understanding them.  Needless to say the shouts of discrimination were raised in an instant. A majority of people is relaxed, probably disinterested, about same sex marriages, so why make issues of non-issues.  Because it suits their purpose and what they see as a cause.  At some stage they have to understand that being Lesbian isn’t a cause.  Why can’t they just enjoy their lives, their son, freedom from real discrimination.  The belief that any form of publicity is better than no publicity doesn’t always apply. If other parents react to the publicity it could result in their son being distanced from his peers. Oh dear, have we identified another cause? 

    John Hinkley Junior, the man who shot President Regan, has apparently tried to get a job at Starbucks.  It could easily give a whole new meaning to stopping for a shot of coffee!

    We’re sad to hear that a tourist from the US got mauled to death by a lioness at Gauteng Lion Park.  But getting close up to a lioness with your car window wide open must have seemed like an invitation to dinner. The cat’s behavior was true to type. We hope no action is taken against the lioness.

    A regular topic of conversation when we meet in the pub is the loud background music that now seems de rigueur for modern TV programmes.  It is frequently at a level that makes speech content almost pointless.  Peter Fincham, director of television at ITV now tells us there’s nothing wrong with the background sound level. According to him, it’s our ears that are the problem. He suggests that as we get older, background music sounds louder.  It seems strange that we have no problem hearing when there is no background music.  Perhaps sub titles should become the norm on ITV series. The alternative is to switch channels as soon as you hit retirement! Having referred to the Russell Brand dictionary (see last week) I have to assume that Mr Fincham is well versed in the theory and practice of galimatias!

    We laughed at the news that a mother wants the taxpayer to fund a session at a fat camp for her overweight daughter.  After all, parents can’t be held responsible for their children, it’s a function of the state nowadays. The photograph suggested the girl was simply following in mum’s footsteps.  It brings to mind the NLP mantra.

        If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got

    By the time you reach our age, the comment, “the world has gone mad” trips off your lips on a regular basis.  But some weeks you use it with startling frequency.  Not that it becomes a problem since you forget that you said it within about half an hour.  This week has been a cracker though. 

    One of the highlights is Craig Revel Horwood’s prediction that a same sex couple will appear on Strictly Come Dancing in the not too distant future.  The inevitable question was who would lead?  Or would they take it in turns? (Sorry) And then there is the dress.  We can imagine blood being spilled about who gets to wear the dress. The Beeb can stop worrying about the loss Top Gear if Horwood’s prediction floats.  Mind you – dancing cars?  JC can have that idea as a freeby!

    And now a group of women, many of them priests in the Church of England, want to refer to God as a woman to combat sexism.  Raising this as an issue shows how out of touch with real people the group is.  Can it be any wonder that the Church of England is shedding worshippers in large numbers?  Presumably these ladies believe that beginning The Lord’s Prayer with the words ‘Our Mother’ will begin to fill emptying pews.  Wake up ladies.  Focus on the real issue.  The elderly congregation is going the way of all flesh and you’re not attracting younger people.  If you can’t start replacing the shortfall more of the churches will finish in the hands of developers.  On reflection, they make nice flats based on those I’ve seen!  Maybe the thought of that type of conversion will stop this nonsense.           

    No holds barred from Vladimir Putin as he reacts to the sanctions imposed on Russia.  Nick Clegg has been banned from entering Russia. The Russian blacklist takes away a country Clegg might have visited, meaning he is likely to spend more time in the UK.  The Russian leader certainly knows how to hurt us. We pray he doesn’t ban Tony Blair.

    I was listening to some Beatles music the other day while scanning the paper.  Maybe it was coincidence that Can’t Buy Me Love came on as I read about the FIFA goings on.  Sorry lads but Sepp Blatter proved your words wrong in every sense.  By funneling money into third world countries, Blatter bought the undying love of those followers, consummated with the votes he needed to be re-elected.  I hope both sides used contraceptives to avoid the exchange of any unpleasant side effects. That said, we’re not sure contraceptives are much use for deleting emails!  Rumour has it Blatter even got votes from the French representatives.  Could that be a reflection of their economic predicament and the need for a bucket load of dollars?   Stop press – Blatter’s gone.  I wonder if the US prosecutor’s office has whispered in his ear. 

    Now we hear that Matisse, the dog that won Britain’s Got Talent, used a stunt double because he doesn’t like heights.  They say owners begin to resemble their pets over time but the winner is already acting like a Hollywood star by avoiding the risky bits.  Presumably Matisse will need the full entourage of hairdresser, make-up artist, agent et al in the near future.  We can’t wait for high wire replacement, Chase, to go solo and dish the dirt about his life as a stunt double to a pretty poseur.

    Found a great book in a charity shop last week.  The Superior Person’s Second Book of Words is a great discovery. It should become be the book that Russell Brand uses as his dictionary. Knowing his predilection for beautiful women and big words, I scanned the book for something appropriate.  I wonder if Russell knows that a gynotikolobomassophile is someone who likes to nibble on a woman’s earlobe. I don’t remember any of the lads saying I’m an ear man or seeking women with big ears? I must ask Jez.

    Sad about Charlie Kennedy.  A thoughtful politician with integrity and humour will be missed.  He was right about Iraq when most weren’t.  RIP Chilcot.